Rambling post, aka 2015 has been a year of struggles

H left for Very Distant Country today, so he's gone for the next four weeks and I'm feeling reflective? Melancholy? I don't know, but I felt like writing something over here.

Even if you know me on other social media, you likely don't know what a rough time I've been having.  I'm pretty sure I have depression (I haven't seen a doctor about it, because... that's another post). I feel so sad and isolated most of the time when I'm at home. I don't get out much since I really only have acquaintances and colleagues- nobody close. I go to lunch, museums, etc. alone near D's school when I get time- and I enjoy that. But when I'm home- I really struggle for something to occupy my time so I don't start feeling so low. D's eating issues have resurfaced and she started meds for anxiety this year. She's still doing great in school and loves being at an arts school, but a lot of things are a struggle for her. She's my whole life right now. I drive her to and from school (two round trips is about four hours every day!), make sure she gets what she needs, etc. She really is my whole purpose in life these days. Other than work. I'm still not ready to go up for promotion like I should be by now. I got a good draft of paper finished during Academic Writing Month, but it's not quite finished. And my co-authors are too busy to help. So maybe I can finish it and submit this winter term (we have a short term between fall and spring).  So, yeah- on the surface my life looks great, but I feel pretty awful most of the time. I'm getting through and hoping that D will be okay when she goes off to college in a couple years. I worry about her so much.

Anyway, if anyone still reads this, hope you're doing well. I haven't kept up with blogs (unless they're on tumblr- I guess I could think about moving this over there... Hmmm... something to think about). Maybe that can be a project for New Year's Eve- when I'm home alone with the cat!

Catching Up

As you know, I haven't been keeping up with the blog. I haven't been reading blogs either- mostly because I'm not reading content through the blog reading apps these days. I'm more likely to read tumblr or see something Twitter, so I've missed out on happenings on the blogs. I realized it's been almost two years since I posted something over here! Let me catch up with some random bullets:

• D is in high school now(!) and I drive her to a performing arts school almost an hour away (two rounds trips every day). It is worth it for her to go this school, but also to get out of the local high school here which is 99% white. She loves her new school, but still has the same teen struggles. Her eating disorder never got too serious, but she's still coping with body dysmorphia issues. She's in therapy and it definitely helps.
• I've been advising students in our major, minor, etc for the past three semesters. I enjoy it, since students stop by to see me and talk about class scheduling, etc. It's a good fit for me since I like talking to people. 
• I still haven't gone up for promotion. In theory, I could have gone up this year, but I just need some more research productivity to strengthen my record before I can do that. And with my current commuting schedule that is going to be even more challenging than before (I'm in the car 20+ hours a week). I really need to get another grant funded, but I'm sure you know how hard it is to get those things written and submitted- and then they're usually not funded, either. To be honest, I don't even care that much about promotion- other than the salary increase. I'm not a star researcher and never will be and that's fine. I like to have some leisure time in my life. Wow, I am a slacker.

Otherwise, things haven't changed a whole lot around here. We still live in the same house, our newer kitty is hilarious to have around- H even likes her. D is growing up (she'll be 16 this year!) and I'm already thinking about how my schedule will be freed up when she goes to college (without the commuting). Time flies.  I won't make any promises about posting over here, so if I do it can be a little surprise for everyone. 

How life is pretty sucky at the moment

Hey, remember me? Well, I think I know a lot of you on Twitter and Facebook these days, so it's not  like I've really been out of touch, right? Well, my semester leave is officially over, but of course it's summer now, so still no teaching for me. I had a fairly productive semester, submitting a big collaborative grant proposal, attending some conferences and meetings, working with grad students- I'm advising four plus serving on other committees, so I was on campus most weeks to meet with students. I still have a PhD exam tomorrow, then that should be all wrapped up. I have a lot more I hope to accomplish this summer- especially since we're not headed to Very Distant Country this year. H will go for his grant, but D and I will stay here. I have a work trip in late July which will be welcome after all that time alone with D (H will be back by then).

However, I'm quite miserable right now. D is being treated for an eating disorder. She had been starving herself during the day, overexercising (which she is still doing), and also does some binging (exercise is her form of purging). Life in our house has been hellish. We have the same conservations/arguments/discussions about food and exercise on a daily basis. D doesn't seem to believe us- she also thinks the counselor, dietitian, and doctors are all in cahoots with me, and everyone in the world is delusional about her appearance and weight but her. Everyone who meets her tells her how beautiful she is, but she thinks she is fat, ugly, and disgusting. I can't tell you how heartbreaking this is as mother. I'm so lucky to have a smart, talented, gorgeous child, but she thinks she is totally worthless. We have never made a big thing about appearance or weight in our family, so she must have headed down this road because of kids at school or media or who knows what. It doesn't help that she is one of the only non-100%-white kids at her school, so she looks different and has a different body type, but she is not overweight and never has been.

I've been told it takes a long time to get over an eating disorder, but I am feeling so hopeless about it right now. She doesn't care about ANYTHING else any more- not her friends, not reading (which she used to LOVE), not school (her grades have dropped this year). I've been trying to get her into some fun summer activities, but she only worries how that will cut into her exercise schedule. And I don't know how I'll keep her from exercising all day long once she's out of school. I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, like there is nothing to look forward to now. Things I love to do- like cooking and baking- make me worry that I'll encourage her binging. Going places or going out to eat are a struggle because she wants to know how many calories are in things and how soon we'll be home so can exercise.

Being away from campus this semester also reminded me that I don't have any close friends any more. I don't know anyone who calls me or that I call or share things with. One of D's friend's moms contacted me recently about the eating disorder since her daughter told her about it. I ran into her at the grocery store and we had a nice talk, but I can't imagine actually calling her just to talk. She's busy with two kids and her work and friends, so who am I to impose on her time? I used to think I had some good friends at work, but I haven't heard a peep from them since I'm not on campus this semester. It's fine really, since I think I shouldn't get so close to people at work who are involved in all the political crap there, anyway. The time that having no close friends becomes a problem is a day like tomorrow. H and I are on a committee together and the exam goes until after it's time to pick up D from school. I don't have anyone I can ask! I've tried arranging rides with a friend but it never seems to work out and we're not on anyone's way home either. I was going to have D ride the bus home, but with her fragile mental state, I don't want her getting off the bus alone. The plan now is for her to stay and wait and school and we'll get there as soon as we can. Sucks.

So comfy on the couch.

The only bright side is that we recently got a new cat after 15 months of being a catless home! She's almost 8 and was at a shelter near here. She's very sweet and much more friendly and outgoing than Green Eyes was. I even think H likes her better- he really didn't want another cat! I need a good blog name for her instead of her actual name.

Anyway, I'll try to blog more this summer. I'll have a research student in again this year and hope to get some research and teaching planning done. March and April were crazy with proposal writing, traveling, and grad students, but now I can't seem to do anything. I need to get organized, make a plan, set goals, and get my shit together. Summer has never been a productive time for me, but every year I try to do better.

Hope everyone out there in blogland is doing well!

A New Record!

For not posting, that is. I can't believe it's been THREE whole months since I wrote over here. I've been busy (as usual), so I'm not spending much time reading blogs these days and spending more time Facebook doesn't help either. So, what have I been up to for last three months? Let's see:

• I had a class canceled due to low enrollment for the first time. This was good for me in one sense, since I've been busy with research this semester for the first time in a long time (more below). Having two classes instead of three has given me more time for other things. But, I had to add an extra class next semester (to keep my course load at five for the year) and that caused some stress (more below) because of the possibility of that one also being canceled due to low enrollment (since it's an unlisted seminar that I may never teach again). I have plenty of people registered now, but I was worried.
• I got the reviews from that paper (that wouldn't die, but I finally submitted in over the summer) and made the revisions requested. I'm still waiting to hear back about it now. After submitting the revisions, I realized the journal has a pretty good impact factor, so now I'm really hoping it gets accepted.
• I submitted a proposal to our state education agency to get funding for working with local teachers. It's similar to what NSF rejected several times a few years ago, but our chances should be better with this one. We'll find out in January- fingers crossed!
• Teaching has been business-as-usual this semester, although I've been unhappy with some things. In my Big Freshmen Class, attendance has dropped off because I am not monitoring it. I go back and forth with this, because during semesters where I keep track, I always have some really annoying students that show up and talk the whole time. When I don't keep track, it gets pretty empty as the semester goes on. I am thinking of trying some more organized group work next semester (inspired by this). If you have tried this, please share your thoughts!
• I walked stormed out of a faculty meeting for the first time a few weeks ago. We have an acting chair this semester who needs to work on some serious people skills (in my opinion!) and I felt ganged up on by others, so I said a few things (I think I even used the word 'jackass') and just left. I skipped our meeting last week, too, and don't plan to attend any others until our usual chair is back next semester (not that this actually changes much, but at least someone else will be running the meetings). I am tired of having my concerns and thoughts ignored and don't see any reason to subject myself to that stress. So screw 'em.
• The day after that meeting (less than 24 hours later), D fell off a horse at her riding lesson, was knocked unconscious (had a concussion), and split her chin open. She had no idea where she was when she woke up on the ground, bleeding. I wasn't watching so I didn't see her fall, but ran over as soon as I saw she was on the ground. One of the other moms said she landed ON HER HEAD (shudder). D was remembering things by the time we reached the hospital (in an ambulance with her strapped to the back/neck injury board). Luckily, her back and neck were fine and she doesn't seem to have any lasting effects from the head injury (she was wearing a helmet). She had nine stitches in her chin (it was cut to the bone, so they had to stitch in layers- five were on the outside). The stitches are out now and the scar doesn't look bad (plus it's kind of under her chin, so it's not noticeable). She is not doing riding lessons any more. It was VERY scary and the fall didn't even result from anything dangerous (she was just walking and trotting).

Otherwise, I am just trying to catch up with grading and looking forward to a break over Thanksgiving. Now that D is healthy again, we enjoyed some family time this weekend running errands and seeing the Vienna Boys Choir. In a couple weeks, we are also going to a live show of Prairie Home Companion- it should be fun. We aren't planning any trips this Christmas, so we'll be here in Small College Town. If you have any thoughts on Team-Based Learning- please share!! I hope everyone's semesters are going well.

Work-at-home Thursday

Did I mention how much I've been enjoying having some non-teaching days this semester? I can't believe what a difference it makes to not have to go teach a class (or two) every day of the week. I can actually get my mind to focus on other things (like research!). I can work at home without having to go into campus. I live really close to work, so it's not the distance, but rather the mindset. I taught a morning class every day last semester, so I never had a weekday to be at home and regroup. I had time after class to come home and do things, but I find that mornings are more productive for me, so the day was mostly a loss. I also don't have to come up with FIVE suitable teaching outfits every week, either. That was a real stretch for me. I mean, I could have easily worn the same five outfits every week, but I like to mix it up and dressing up every day was hard for me. I LOVE my days at home in sweats in my home office.

Today, I have some teaching prep to do, I need to read over some P&T files, and want to get some research work done- I need a more specific plan for that, though. If I just say I will work on research, I'll just go in a million directions and not get much done. My wonderful RA is trying to sort out her thesis topic right now and it's tied in with our project, so it's all connected. I'm really enjoying working with her- I wish I had more grant money to fund her for next year, too (she'll switch to a TA).

I also get to spend some time playing with my NEW MacBook Pro! I replaced my old* one with money I had from a workshop and the grant. I can't believe how much faster 4GB of RAM is- and I can add more! I just got it yesterday and am loving how fast it is. I can run a Windows XP AND a Linux virtual machine at the same time! And nothing is slow. BTW, if anyone has experience with Linux, I'd love to hear how you use it. I just installed it and haven't had much time to play around it.

D will be home this morning (at least), because they have a delay due to ice, so my morning may not be as productive as usual... Have a great Thursday, everyone!

*I bought the old one in late 2007 after getting word about tenure. It's underpowered for what I want to do with it.

Happy Belated Blog-o-versary to Me!

OK- now things are getting pretty pathetic if I missed my own 4th blog-o-versary! Of course, I haven't been writing over here that much lately, so I hardly feel like like I've accomplished something with this milestone. However, I am not willing to give up on this space. Even if my posts are rarer these days, I don't feel like I want to abandon this blog. I actually have ideas for posts swimming around in my head some days, but then don't have the motivation or time to actually write those posts. As much as I love Facebook, I still like having this pseudonymous space to write, too. There are plenty of things going on at work that I want to post about (some of which are escaping me right now!) and I could never write about them on FB in the same way.

Maybe my lack of writing here is also linked to my lack of writing in general. I have not been very productive in my research lately, despite being in the last year of my first Big Grant. I am thrilled with RA this year and have high hopes for making some good progress during our last year of funding, but I have been so swamped with teaching that I haven't done much work myself. I'm starting to wonder how I managed to get tenure, because my teaching load is the same as it was during the 2004/2005 through 2006/2007 academic years. I was getting research done, writing papers, writing proposals AND teaching my full load. Now, I can't seem to do much more than just teach and do grading and class prep. So, maybe that's part of it. I have not been reading blogs much lately, either, though. And that's even more sad, since I am not as connected with many of you. However, I am friends with lots of you on FB now, so I am in touch in that way at least.

So, here I sit, four years after starting this blog. I am sitting at the same desk, but typing on my MacBook instead of my desktop PC (which I still have!) I'd like to get back into the groove of writing for research, and maybe writing over here is a good start. You've all heard that one before, right?

New Year's Resolutions

Yes, I know it's August, but what better time to set some resolutions for the academic year?

• I will not let the students in my big first-year course get me down. If they are obnoxious, I will ask them to leave and not get all worked up about it.
• I will do my darnedest to get students to participate in discussion in my upper level courses. And I will try to bite my tongue, so that I don't take over the whole discussion!
• I will keep exercising at least four days a week (ideally five) when classes start. I may have to revert back to my EARLY schedule of yesteryear, but I am going to do it, dammit!
• I will try to have a positive attitude about life in general. This has usually been easy for me, but has seemed harder over the last year or so. I need to shed some cynicism.

These seem pretty attainable, right? I need to be more disciplined about some things, but I think I can do all of these. Monday is the start of the new semester, so we'll see how it goes.

Summer frustrations

Ah, summer. No teaching. Small College Town is peaceful and quiet except for the few students around taking summer classes and coming for freshman orientation. My days are generally unstructured and full of possibilities. And that is my major problem. I ALWAYS have trouble motivating and being productive in the summer. I think the endless stream of days ahead of me just lulls me into a sense of infinite time. "I can do that tomorrow! Or next week! Wouldn't it be better to just clean out this closet or watch a movie?" And that is just during the time that D is still in school. She has her last day on Wednesday, then I am really screwed. Not that she needs constant attention or supervision, but a day-long stretch of uninterrupted research time is just not feasible (OK- I'm just making excuses). But I want to do things with her, while we are both out of school, so I am distracted by making plans for those things. Maybe, I'm just lazy. Who knows, but summer is a time that I never seem to be productive and it's a shame.

What are your strategies for staying focused in the summer? I could use some ideas, because after seven years in this job, I still can't figure it out!

New month. Now with more blogging!

I hope, anyway. I really hadn't meant to be so quiet over here. I do place some blame on Facebook, but whenever I go back and read some of my old blog posts, I miss this place. So, I'll use this new month as a good time to get back to blogging. 

Things are just dandy here in Small College Town. We are in our last week before spring break right now and I am so thrilled to have that break from teaching coming my way. My classes aren't too tough, but the big freshmen course is more work than usual since I changed books (and am wondering if that was a good decision or not). I am having stupid annoying discipline issues with them, too. Last spring when I taught this class at 8:00AM, nobody was awake enough to chat with their friends, but at 11:00, they can be a real pain in the ass. Some days, I feel like they are so bored and I wish that I hadn't made participation part of the grade. Then the non-engaged students could just stay away. There's always next semester, I guess. My other class is OK, but it's a technical one (that includes some basic physics), so there are always some students who really just don't get it. It's times like those that I switch back and forth from thinking I am a terrible teacher to thinking that they never do the reading or they are just not up to the task. Sigh. 

Research? What's that? I have not done any research lately and am just thankful to have been on grad committees of students who are publishing and I am a co-author. At least my annual report had three papers in review- two from students. You may remember my RA saga from last spring and fall and how I have a total disaster on my hands? Well, I have told this student that s/he will not be working for me next year and the department has reserved a TA for him/her (which I think is a mistake). I am now in a mess, because we have a TA shortage and I want to offer my RA to a new student. So far, this is on hold, but far from resolved. All year, I keep second guessing myself and thinking that maybe my RA is really OK and can do the work I need. Well, we finally got to some basic tasks and s/he even messed that up. In a way, I am glad, because it shows me that I was not crazy to question his/her abilities, but I am also annoyed that my grant money is being wasted to pay this person for the whole year and I have no way to get out of it until May. Sigh.

Otherwise, H and D are fine. D went for her first sleep over this weekend and had a fun time. She is still loving her riding lessons and doing well with piano and reading at a 7th grade level (she's in 3rd grade) and sold LOTS of girl scout cookies. She seems to have some organizational issues with her school work, but hopefully she can work that out!

To end on a positive note, I was very pleased to have another brief (micro?) blogger meet-up last week. I won't mention who it was, since she has not blogged about this trip, but I will say that it was very good to meet her and I hope that she may even be coming back here soon! (fingers crossed!) 

Why I am sucking at InaDWriMo 2008

I am not going to try to make excuses, because if I were REALLY motivated and hard-working, I would not be watching TV in the evenings- I would be working on things that really need to be finished. That said, I am also feeling frustrated about my lack of progress at other times, too. 

I have two work-at-home days this semester: Tuesday and Thursday. The week of November 3rd was shot, because Tuesday was election day (and D was out of school), then Thursday was surgery day. I had actually planned to grade that afternoon, but was not feeling up to it (I thought I would feel fine). 

I spent both of those days last week grading- I had a first draft of papers for one class and a take-home exam for the other. I was glad to get those out of the way and thought, "great! I'll do research next week!" Well, now it's Tuesday again and guess what? I have paper drafts from another class to grade. Plus the few other assignments that I ignored last week. And a letter of recommendation to write. And a student paper to review for an advising meeting tomorrow. And articles to read for my class tomorrow (student-picked). 

I can put off some of this- like the minor assignments that I ignored last week- but the rest of it really needs to be finished today. This means that I won't have much time to focus on some research tasks (looking through a former students data to find something, writing a small piece for a collaborative paper, digging out the paper I am supposed to finish for InaDWriMo). I am not sure what to do. I wonder if I should go back to my EARLY schedule of a few years back, where I got up at 4:30 or 5:00 and worked for a couple undisturbed hours. I can't make that switch immediately- I'd have to gradually shift my wake-up time. That really doesn't sound appealing, though. I don't know, but I am frustrated and feeling like a total loser. It now seems that I will not be able to finish that paper during November, but maybe I can aim for January- before we start classes again. Ugh.

Another problem with my lack of time management is that I am not exercising either. At all. I was using the surgery recovery as an excuse the last couple of weeks (and I would have been too sore through last week, anyway). I can do it now, but I am also swamped with work. I would like to do a short walk on the treadmill this afternoon before D gets home, so I'll have to see how much work I can accomplish. If anyone has any secrets to time management, feel free to share. I used to have a system that worked (the early mornings), but have totally fallen out of that.

In better news:

I am thrilled that I do not have skin cancer (of ANY kind), but also EXTREMELY disturbed about the the dermatologist office that told me I did! WTF? I am tempted to write a letter, but figure it would not do any good, anyway. I could also go write a review on Google, but I never actually saw the doctor- it was the CNP. When they forwarded my biopsy results to my surgeon, he said he couldn't even tell what they meant, so he biopsied the tissue from that one, too (four mole-type things in total).  Everything came back benign- including the mole that looked exactly like the one the derm office tested. Obviously, I will not be going back to that place. It was weird in there, anyway.

Bummer!

I got an email from my new RA who is supposed to be starting in the Fall. She/he may not be coming now. I need to find another one. CRAP.

Makin' progress!

It's only Tuesday, but I'm already feeling the week slipping away before I finish all the work I need to. I have been focusing on some tedious work that keeps getting pushed to the back burner, so that I can finally hand off the data to my RAs next week. I haven't started working on the conference presentations yet, but once I have these other tasks out of the way, I think I will feel a LOT better- even if the presentations get put off until classes start up again (I still have almost three weeks until the first conference).  I also took a LONG break for lunch and watched some HGTV (in HD)- something I probably haven't done since last summer. It was fun, but I was riddled with guilt as I sat there on the couch. At the same time, I was feeling like I should allow myself a break since it IS spring "break" this week.

OK- back to it- I have lots to do!

Also: Welcome IHE readers- I noticed the HUGE traffic spike from my quote! Feel free to look around and stay a while...

One week to go!

Unlike some of you, I still have another week until Spring Break. And I am so looking forward to it, because I have a boat-load of work to catch up on. I'm actually a little afraid that I won't accomplish what I need to- even though it's still a week away. We have our last candidate in this week for the search I am chairing, so one of my work-at-home days is gone. However, my classes are pretty light this week (no labs), so that should provide a little extra time. My biggest concern about getting things done next week (and this week) is that I am so damn tired all the time.* I swear- I do not remember being so tired when I was pregnant with D. By this time, I had barely even found out about her yet and now I am sleeping a full 8 hours at night AND needing afternoon naps! I keep wondering if it's my "advanced" age- I was only 28 for most of my first pregnancy. I think I will have to try to work mornings next week. I think afternoons are going to really tough, as I keep nodding off on my computer.

Here's what needs to get done:

• research for conference #1
• research for conference #2 (which an undergraduate also needs for a presentation that same week)
• catch up on image processing tasks that I can't have my RAs do
• catch up on grading
• catch up on class prep- especially for days I am missing for conference #1 and conference #2

I guess the list doesn't look too awful- especially with the week away from class, but I'm still worried about it. It will be way too easy to just rest next week (which I feel like doing), but the conferences are sneaking up fast! Anyway- I have to be positive and think I can do it.  I'll keep you posted!

*see- here is that complaining that I promised!

Still here!

I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger of late. I have been busy, but I don't think that is the only reason I haven't been blogging. I haven't been reading blogs either- my Google Reader now has over 200 unread, so I doubt that I will actually get to read everything. I was glued to the TV on Tuesday night watching the election results, but most nights I am crashing out pretty early. You see, I'm teaching at 8:00 three days a week, so my schedule has shifted to sleeping earlier. The semester is going along smoothly so far. I am giving my first exam to the Big Freshman class tomorrow, so we'll see if I made it too easy or not. We got the almost final word on tenure last week- the Provost and President gave their seals of approval. As of July 1, I will be Associate Professor with tenure. I had been told this was practically a formality, but I just learned that someone in another department (also in another college) was denied by the Provost! I don't really understand how someone can pass through their department, college, and a university committee and then have one person decide they don't get it. I'm glad I didn't know that before or I would have been freaking out! That really sucks.

I am also busy chairing a search committee. We are about to invite people for interview, so it's pretty exciting. I got to call a few of them to ask for missing letters and they sounded very excited to hear from me. And I understand why! You send out applications and just jump every time the phone rings that they are going to call you. It's very interesting being on this side of it- I've been on search committees before, but not chaired one, so this is my first chance to do those sorts of things. I am also working on another proposal- just a small teaching-related one. I have no idea how competitive it is, but we're sending it in next week. I have so much work to do on The Grant stuff. I have two RAs, but some of the work is too complicated for them and I have to do it. And I have no time. And I keep putting it off. I have two work-at-home days per week and that work keeps getting pushed aside for other things- getting ready for classes, working on that proposal, search committee meetings at our other campus... I am presenting at two conference in April and need to use some of the results... I should be OK, but would feel better if things were out of my hands and passed on to the RAs!

So, I have no real excuse for the blogging silence. I wanted to do a Scientiae post, but missed that one, too. I hope you are all having good semesters (or quarters) out there!

If I am going to get tenure, why am I so stressed out? (updated)

We started classes yesterday, which meant that I was at work at 7:30 (I'm teaching an 8:00AM class this semester). One big advantage of this is that I got an AWESOME parking space. Another is that my class is not full (they all scrambled to get into the other section taught by my colleague that is offered twice a week and later than 8!) I ended up staying in the office until 5:00, then had to go out again later for another meeting, so I was wiped out last night. It felt good to "sleep in" today, but I need to get a bunch of non-teaching work done today (my work-at-home day). OK, here's my to-do list:

• make semester schedule for Big Grant, so that I can assign work to my RAs tomorrow done 10:15 a.m.
• work on some data pre-processing that has become the bane of my existence- I don't know why I can't seem to get it finished. And I have to do it myself, because it's too complicated for my RAs to handle- we tried that. If I had PhD students that would be a different story, but we're a Master's only program.
• work on grant proposal that I started before our trip to CA- it's due in a month, and not too terribly long, but I'm feeling panicked that it's just sitting there right now.
• read grad student internship report for Friday's defense (may put this off until Thursday)
• read grad student thesis chapter ASAP
• walk on the treadmill for 45+ minutes (I actually spent about two hours cleaning D's MESSY closet, which involved carting many loads of toys down to the basement. It was more strenuous than my walks usually are!)

Wow. I actually feel better seeing it in a list, than I did when it was a blob of stress in my brain. The research stuff is stressing me out, because I feel pressure to not let anyone down. I want to the work to be good, but I am also pushing a lot of things to my RAs. They are good students, but don't have tons of experience doing this kind of work, so I need to keep them on the right track. I am also chairing a search committee. I started reading files yesterday and am optimistic that we have some good applicants. Our first meeting is next week.

I met both of my classes yesterday and think that they should be fine. I am testing out student response devices ("clickers") this semester, so it should be interesting. I made it a big part of their grade, so it should be interesting... My upper-level technical class is 85% male- and I don't know any of them, which is weird. I hope they aren't trouble-makers!

Alright- I better start tackling that to-do list. I'll update when I finish things (I know you'll be dying to know what I'm doing all day!)

Buck up, little camper

The post title is in honor of my blog-buddy, Seeking Solace, who had a case of the Mondays yesterday! I'm sure she will get the movie reference, too.  I wanted to make sure she is cheered up.  

I also wanted to blog about my relaxing weekend.

Wednesday: We went out to lunch and ran some errands, since D was off that day, too.

Thursday: Lounging at home, then to a friend's house (my new female colleague) for dinner. It was mostly graduate students and and lots of fun. D was the the only kid, but was a really good sport. After dinner, we played Trivial Pursuit 80s Edition and my team won! Of course, most of the grad students are too young to remember the 80s, so those of us in our (late) 30s were at a real advantage.

Friday: We went the the Major City Museum Center with another family. Our daughters are in the same class and I know the father from work, so we had made plans to go together. It was very fun and a nice chance to get to know them better. We were there all afternoon and visited all three museums. On the way home, we bought a HD-DVD player at Costco (for only $160), had dinner, stopped by CompUSA, Caribou Coffee, then came home.

Saturday: D had piano stuff in the afternoon, then we went to dinner in Major City with my sister-in-law.

Sunday: More relaxing at home and D had a friend over in the afternoon.

I am so not in work-mode now. I think I mentioned before that we are trying to get pregnant now (now that we are going to get tenure!). I have a friend who is already due in April and found out about another one due in July! I am trying really hard not get too worked up about this, because it may not happen. It's been over 8 years since D and I am 37 now. I am also excited about the prospects, though. I don't want to turn into Caroline from "Tell Me You Love Me". I have to be OK with either outcome. I'll keep you posted if there are any developments- otherwise I don't plan to blog much about it. 

Lastly, please take note of my word meter, which has moved a bit today. I am working on a new version of the proposal that never got funded and need to write a one-page summary for potential collaborators. Tonight, I will be watching Dancing with the Stars, so I will work on it more tomorrow...

Jumping on the band wagon!

OK- so tomorrow is the start of InaDWriMo and I though I better take the motivation while I can get it! I have that paper that I started over the summer and totally abandoned. It sits at about 3,500 words and just needs to be finished and submitted. I told Dr. Brazen Hussy that I would pledge 2,500 words, which looks really lame compared to the others who are doing this, but it will be plenty to finish the paper and start to revise a grant proposal I keep kicking around (and have been talking about in the grant-writing workshop I am doing this semester). Plus- with my new Mac Book Pro on its way, I will have no excuse NOT to write! I just need to go find and install a word counter in my sidebar. We'll see how it goes!

5th Week Check-In

I feel like things are going well so far this semester. My classes are engaging(!), I'm making progress on some of the new research work, and I am not going too crazy yet. The absence of the freshmen-behemoth is really making my schedule manageable. Between the lab sections, TA meetings, and logistics of dealing with almost 100 students, that class is a huge time sink. My classes this semester are both upper level and most of the students seem genuinely interested in the subjects. There are some things that I am neglecting, however. I feel that pit in my stomach every time someone mentions writing. I have completely abandoned that paper at this point. I still plan to finish it, but am not feeling motivated to dig it out and get back to where I was (I know- it's bad). I am enjoying my schedule, but next week things are looking a bit busier:

pink is personal, purple is work-related

I signed up for a grant-writing workshop that starts next week. It's in the area that I had the failed proposals over the last few years, and if I submit a proposal, I will get $1000! We'll meet about 8 times over the semester, but it means I have to go to campus an extra day those weeks (I'm so spoiled, working at home, I know!) I have some mixed feelings about this right now, since I just got The Grant, but I don't think this will overextend me if I do actually get funded. There is a program with an early November deadline that I want to apply for. I could do the workshop and apply this year, but I would like have that Grand!

I also volunteered to help with D's class once a week. I'm not entirely clear what I'll be doing, but it's for their Accelerated Reader program. I'd never heard of this until D came home with a very cryptic sheet talking about ZPD scores last week. They read books and take computer-based quizzes, so I'm guessing I'll be helping with that.

A doctor's appointment this morning threw off my schedule and I not in work-mode now, either. I think I will try to get a few research things done, though, in the couple of hours I have before D gets home. Or I could go watch The Office or waste MORE time on Facebook.... No. Must. Work.

Career meme & LOTS of data (updated)

As seen everywhere:

1. Cartographer

2. GIS Specialist

3. Computer Trainer

4. Personal Trainer

5. Environmental Consultant

6. Animal Trainer

7. Paleontologist

8. Professional Athlete

9. Print Journalist

10. Market Research Analyst

11. Writer

12. Translator

13. Kinesiologist

14. Political Aide

15. Activist

16. Veterinarian

17. Critic

18. Marine Biologist

19. Oceanographer

20. Zoologist

21. Communications Specialist

22. Zookeeper

23. Public Policy Analyst

24. Mathematician

25. Corporate Trainer

26. Public Relations Specialist

27. Horticulturist

28. Foreign Language Instructor

29. ESL Teacher

30. Botanist

31. Animal Breeder

32. Fitness Instructor

33. Actuary

34. Meteorologist

35. Biologist

36. Technical Writer

37. Ecologist

38. Criminologist

39. Nursery / Greenhouse Grower

40. Tour Guide

Some of these struck me as quite odd and I wonder which question pointed the program that way- animal trainer? zoo keeper? fitness instructor? Most of the "ists" and science jobs sound pretty reasonable, though. Before I went in and added education level, I also had housekeeper in my list!

In other news, I have taken over some tasks from my grad student because we are working with some data that requires a new software package. S/he has plenty of other things to keep busy for the project, though. I also decided that I needed to download mass quantities of other data and process them in ways that is really taxing my home computer (but I really don't want to go do it at school, since it requires lots of waiting). I queued up four processes to run overnight and only two have finished! I quadrupled my computer's memory yesterday (I only had 1 GB!) However, that doesn't change the processing speed- it just means that my computer won't crash when I have too many programs running at once. I have been doing other things while it runs, like grading and class stuff. sigh.

ETA: I'm at school now checking to see if my *new* Windows Vista machine can process these damn data faster... I'll let you know

Unleashing about the first week back.

I expected to write a rant for the "unleash" theme of the September scientiae carnival, but surprisingly enough- after teaching my classes this week, I have some positive things to unleash about:

1. I am so unbelievably thrilled that I am NOT teaching my big freshmen class with multiple lab sections this semester! Hooray! Hallelujah! Woo hoo! It's such a treat to teach only classes that students are actually (at least somewhat) interested in. I also had crappy evaluations in that class last semester, so the break will give me a chance to get over the bitterness of that. (also remember this: that was my semester of three job interviews and two conferences and I tried to make the class more interactive and used a new book!)
2. I am teaching two upper-level classes: one small (<10) and one medium (<30). They are both on subjects that interest me and I have taught both of them before. Did I mention that I am not missing those freshmen?
   
3. I have TWO research projects getting underway- one is The Big Grant, the other is an internal project that I was asked to contribute to. I am supervising one grad assistant this semester and will have two in the spring. This is a first for me, as I've only had TAs in the past. Just yesterday, I realized how completely awesome it is to have a grad student doing a lot of the computer work that I would usually be doing myself. He does some work, checks in with questions, we resolve issues, he goes back and does some more. I hadn't considered what a huge time saver this is!
   
4. I am going up for tenure! I should be saying "arrgghhhh!", right? As I mentioned in an earlier post, it's all done. My current accomplishments are what will be used to evaluate my performance, so all I can do now is wait. I shouldn't have anything to worry about, but I am not assuming anything or taking anything for granted. There is still a sense of relief that the frantic part is over, though.

The only obligation left for this week is a faculty meeting. I may more to unleash about after that- stay tuned!


scientiae carnival