Rambling post, aka 2015 has been a year of struggles

H left for Very Distant Country today, so he's gone for the next four weeks and I'm feeling reflective? Melancholy? I don't know, but I felt like writing something over here.

Even if you know me on other social media, you likely don't know what a rough time I've been having.  I'm pretty sure I have depression (I haven't seen a doctor about it, because... that's another post). I feel so sad and isolated most of the time when I'm at home. I don't get out much since I really only have acquaintances and colleagues- nobody close. I go to lunch, museums, etc. alone near D's school when I get time- and I enjoy that. But when I'm home- I really struggle for something to occupy my time so I don't start feeling so low. D's eating issues have resurfaced and she started meds for anxiety this year. She's still doing great in school and loves being at an arts school, but a lot of things are a struggle for her. She's my whole life right now. I drive her to and from school (two round trips is about four hours every day!), make sure she gets what she needs, etc. She really is my whole purpose in life these days. Other than work. I'm still not ready to go up for promotion like I should be by now. I got a good draft of paper finished during Academic Writing Month, but it's not quite finished. And my co-authors are too busy to help. So maybe I can finish it and submit this winter term (we have a short term between fall and spring).  So, yeah- on the surface my life looks great, but I feel pretty awful most of the time. I'm getting through and hoping that D will be okay when she goes off to college in a couple years. I worry about her so much.

Anyway, if anyone still reads this, hope you're doing well. I haven't kept up with blogs (unless they're on tumblr- I guess I could think about moving this over there... Hmmm... something to think about). Maybe that can be a project for New Year's Eve- when I'm home alone with the cat!

How life is pretty sucky at the moment

Hey, remember me? Well, I think I know a lot of you on Twitter and Facebook these days, so it's not  like I've really been out of touch, right? Well, my semester leave is officially over, but of course it's summer now, so still no teaching for me. I had a fairly productive semester, submitting a big collaborative grant proposal, attending some conferences and meetings, working with grad students- I'm advising four plus serving on other committees, so I was on campus most weeks to meet with students. I still have a PhD exam tomorrow, then that should be all wrapped up. I have a lot more I hope to accomplish this summer- especially since we're not headed to Very Distant Country this year. H will go for his grant, but D and I will stay here. I have a work trip in late July which will be welcome after all that time alone with D (H will be back by then).

However, I'm quite miserable right now. D is being treated for an eating disorder. She had been starving herself during the day, overexercising (which she is still doing), and also does some binging (exercise is her form of purging). Life in our house has been hellish. We have the same conservations/arguments/discussions about food and exercise on a daily basis. D doesn't seem to believe us- she also thinks the counselor, dietitian, and doctors are all in cahoots with me, and everyone in the world is delusional about her appearance and weight but her. Everyone who meets her tells her how beautiful she is, but she thinks she is fat, ugly, and disgusting. I can't tell you how heartbreaking this is as mother. I'm so lucky to have a smart, talented, gorgeous child, but she thinks she is totally worthless. We have never made a big thing about appearance or weight in our family, so she must have headed down this road because of kids at school or media or who knows what. It doesn't help that she is one of the only non-100%-white kids at her school, so she looks different and has a different body type, but she is not overweight and never has been.

I've been told it takes a long time to get over an eating disorder, but I am feeling so hopeless about it right now. She doesn't care about ANYTHING else any more- not her friends, not reading (which she used to LOVE), not school (her grades have dropped this year). I've been trying to get her into some fun summer activities, but she only worries how that will cut into her exercise schedule. And I don't know how I'll keep her from exercising all day long once she's out of school. I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, like there is nothing to look forward to now. Things I love to do- like cooking and baking- make me worry that I'll encourage her binging. Going places or going out to eat are a struggle because she wants to know how many calories are in things and how soon we'll be home so can exercise.

Being away from campus this semester also reminded me that I don't have any close friends any more. I don't know anyone who calls me or that I call or share things with. One of D's friend's moms contacted me recently about the eating disorder since her daughter told her about it. I ran into her at the grocery store and we had a nice talk, but I can't imagine actually calling her just to talk. She's busy with two kids and her work and friends, so who am I to impose on her time? I used to think I had some good friends at work, but I haven't heard a peep from them since I'm not on campus this semester. It's fine really, since I think I shouldn't get so close to people at work who are involved in all the political crap there, anyway. The time that having no close friends becomes a problem is a day like tomorrow. H and I are on a committee together and the exam goes until after it's time to pick up D from school. I don't have anyone I can ask! I've tried arranging rides with a friend but it never seems to work out and we're not on anyone's way home either. I was going to have D ride the bus home, but with her fragile mental state, I don't want her getting off the bus alone. The plan now is for her to stay and wait and school and we'll get there as soon as we can. Sucks.

So comfy on the couch.

The only bright side is that we recently got a new cat after 15 months of being a catless home! She's almost 8 and was at a shelter near here. She's very sweet and much more friendly and outgoing than Green Eyes was. I even think H likes her better- he really didn't want another cat! I need a good blog name for her instead of her actual name.

Anyway, I'll try to blog more this summer. I'll have a research student in again this year and hope to get some research and teaching planning done. March and April were crazy with proposal writing, traveling, and grad students, but now I can't seem to do anything. I need to get organized, make a plan, set goals, and get my shit together. Summer has never been a productive time for me, but every year I try to do better.

Hope everyone out there in blogland is doing well!

I got nothin'

Manuscript reviews, thesis defense(s), grading, teaching, service, meetings, & my addiction to political news means I have nothing much to say this morning. Defense #1 is this morning, then I'll stay on campus all day for another meeting and labs (I usually work at home Tuesday mornings). D has a band concert tonight. H has had a cold, then hurt his back on Saturday and won't go to the doctor- or even my deep tissue massage therapist even though he is still having trouble bending over. Don't worry- I'll do everything around the house because you're too stubborn to get your back fixed! Tomorrow is a very scheduled day (8-5) that includes two phone conferences. At least Thanksgiving is next week- maybe I can catch up!

And now for something completely different...

A blog post! I can't believe it's been almost two months since I posted here. Although, I can because this semester is a killer. I am just counting down the days until Spring Break so that I can have a break from putting out teaching fires and spend some time catching up on research (whatever that is). I don't feel like delving into the details of my teaching so far, but it's been extra hectic- as I expected it to be. I have Big Conference coming up in April and need to get some work done for that, so Spring Break will be my saving grace there. I'm already looking forward to the semester ending, but obviously that's a long way off.

We have a visiting speaker here this week who I know from my Master's program. I love having campus visitors that I know and it's fun to catch up and hear what is going on back in Favorite City in Adopted Home State. I think I also need that kind of reset that comes from imagining something different for the future- something that doesn't come from all the negative energy that being in my department can bring. I feel like I've let myself down, though. I think I pulled myself out of the post-tenure slump, but I've also had some professional disappointments lately, too. I wish I had some good ideas and felt inspired about research, but I don't right now.

Anyway, I'm still here- way overwhelmed- but hanging in there.

Because I can't bitch about this on FB...

Ugh! My relatives continue to hurt my feelings from afar. You may recall this incident from over the summer. Well, visiting my brother was fine and I always feel close to them when we visit (which is not often). We sent them a package of gifts for Christmas and got one from them (I always feel like they send too much, really) and I called and texted my brother on Christmas. No response. Nothing. I thought I had confirmed that their package arrived, but now I'm wondering. My mom told me they misplaced one of her boxes and just found it the day after Christmas. I'm sure I'm taking this too personally, but why are we exchanging gifts if nobody can even call or email or text or FB message? I also got a card from my stepmom in the mail yesterday (who I did unfriend on FB and refused her attempts to refriend). I opened it to see if she wrote anything other than just a signature and then tossed it. (She did say something like "I hope you are doing well"). I also discovered that my brother's family exchanges gifts (or at least sends to) my (half)sister's family (again, FB revealed this to me). I have sent a couple packages to my sister (who is in the Air Force and stationed abroad) and feel that they were barely acknowledged, so I have stopped. I just keep putting myself out there to be hurt and am sick of it! I have taken all of them out of my news feed, because I feel like I am kicked in the gut just by reading updates on FB. Did I mention I have PMS?

In other news, we had a nice low-key Christmas at home this year- my sister-in-law came over and we had tasty food. She and I also drank a bottle of expensive (in my book, anyway) port over the two days and watched seven episodes of Nurse Jackie (she had borrowed it from a friend). I am hooked now, but don't get Showtime any more! I'll have to wait for NetFlix DVDs.

We have almost two weeks until classes start again, but I am feeling stressed. I have a LOT of class prep to do, but no motivation to do it this week. All this family crap isn't helping either. I have been getting deep tissue massage for some neck pain the last couple of weeks and love it- I feel great right afterward (even though it hurts) and my neck is much improved. I go back next Monday for another session.

Why oh why can't winter break be long enough to do holidays AND prep for next semester?? Sigh.

Dog Days of Summer...

Oh look! I guess it's time for my monthly blog post! Oh well. That was certainly not the plan, but here we are. We got back from our cross country trip last week. We had a great time, but it was a long time to be away (three weeks)- especially to be eating restaurant food the whole time. We saw most of my relatives that live out that way, but our visits at each place were a bit short. I planned it that way since the whole trip was so long already, but it was a little short to be in each place. On the other hand, visiting family can be exhausting, so maybe the short visits were just enough. It turned out to be a really bad time to be at my mom's since she was crazy busy with work. I felt bad and that we were in the way. It would be nice if people would visit us- only my mom comes to see us- and that's just a long weekend once a year. Anyway.

So it's August 1st, which means that the fall semester is just around the corner. Sigh. I have one class that may be canceled due to low enrollment- which means I would have to teach my three course load in spring. I'm still hoping that the class will go, but won't know until classes start. I had some ideas about revamping some things in my classes, so I'll have to think about those in the next few weeks and decide whether to tackle them now or just leave things alone. I'm just not excited about getting back to work and dealing with annoying things and annoying people. Ugh.

Otherwise, things are fine. It was nice to get away for a while- I even visited a few states I'd never been before and even met up with Dr. Bad Ass on our travels. They have some GREAT coffee in her town. :) I hope everyone else's last few weeks of summer are going well! If you know me on FB or IRL, you can see all of our photos. Otherwise, I posted a handful here.

I could use a vacation! (updated)

We leave next week for a cross-country trek to visit family in two states and I am just ready to get out of town for a while. The summer hasn't been too bad in terms of work, but I am supervising two students this summer- my grad student RA and a summer intern. They are working together and it seems to be going well for the most part. However, it's been tricky trying to work around everyone's schedules and field days and I am trying to get things well organized for my absence, too. I'll be reachable, but don't really want to be dealing with a lot of work stuff on our trip. I did manage to submit a long neglected paper this week (finally!). I'm hoping that this is the official end of my post-tenure slump, but I will need to get back to writing something new when I get back.

I had a real low point late last night when I made the mistake of looking at my sister-in-law's FB page (I actually hide some of my relative from my newsfeed for this very reason). I saw a message from my stepmom telling her that my (half)sister is expecting her second baby early next year. I know I should be happy for her, but I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. It also didn't help that my stepmom made some comment about "all the grandkids having January or May birthdays" (since this one is due in January). Well, D was born in October- and I know that I am not really connected to that part of my family because of my racist father, but it just made me realize that we really are a non-issue to everyone else. Not that I didn't know this already, and not that I have any interest in getting in touch with my dad, but my stepmom has always put up this impression that she wants to stay in touch with us (we are friends on FB and get a Xmas card every year). Another kick in the gut. I felt sick when I went to bed. And I can't talk about any of this with H, because he doesn't understand why I even want to stay in touch with them. Ugh. I wish we weren't even planning to visit my brother now- not that he and his family have done anything to us, but they see my dad and stepmom pretty frequently and I just don't even want to think about that side of my family at all right now.

I feel better this morning, but last night just felt awful. I was thinking about how the baby we lost would have been about 18 months now and how D was at that age (and how my friends who had babies when I was due have kids that age now). And my brother and his wife have a one-year-old now. I used to think I was so tough and could handle anything that life threw at me and be just fine. The last few years have proved that I am the biggest wimp I know. Ugh- when will it stop hurting? I suspect it never will. And as I inch closer to 40 (only about two more months!), I know there is little chance of doing anything about it...

I'll try to blog a bit from the road (we are DRIVING across country). It will be an adventure for sure- I hope a good one!

UPDATE: I know I shouldn't torture myself, but I just looked at my stepmom's FB page, where she announced the news of this new grandchild in her status. Her friends wrote messages of congratulations, which she followed with "Thanks, everyone. This will make 5 beautiful grandkids!!!" (That's one from her son, two from her daughter, and two from her stepson- my brother- so his kids are not blood relatives of hers either. I guess my child- who was born before any of the other grandkids does not count in her book). Would it be weird to unfriend my own stepmother? Because I am thinking I will do just that! WTF?

Feeling dissed

I have a few different things that I've been wanting to blog about lately, both personal and professional and even started writing a few times, only to abandon the post. This is one topic that I can write about in both contexts. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too sensitive and take things too personally, but maybe not.

Let's start with being dissed in my personal life. As my long-time readers know, I haven't talked to my dad in over 10 years (actually it's 11 years now). That was his choice, but I really have no desire at all to reconcile with him. While I don't miss him, this whole situation makes it awkward with my stepmom, brother, and (half) sister. My dad and stepmom are still married (although I sometimes wonder why) and my sister is now married with a toddler and in the Air Force. I haven't seen any of them since my brother's wedding in 2002*. I get a Christmas card from my stepmom (which she also started signing for my dad in the last couple of years). Nothing has been strained with her, but we haven't kept in close touch. It's the same with my sister, although we communicate through Facebook fairly regularly and I sent her a care package while she was deployed. It makes me sad to not be in closer touch with them and seeing pictures of my sister and niece makes me a bit sad, too. I recently (back in February) sent a message to my sister's husband (whom I have never met), just to say hello and let him know that I would like to be FB friends if he's OK with that. I never got a response**. And I am very insulted about it. I didn't mention it to my sister, because it's not the end of the world, but I am truly hurt. I thought that he wasn't like my dad, but I now I have to question that. I feel like not even reaching out to them at all, now. I have never been really close to my sister since we've never even lived in the same state, but I have always tried to keep some contact and know what is going on in her life.

Professionally, I ran into a few people at a conference recently- people I knew in grad school- and felt like some of them really just didn't want to talk to me. For me, one of my favorite parts of attending Giant Conference in my Discipline is to see people from grad school and hear about what they are doing now. One of them was someone I was excited to see since I know she recently had a baby. I saw her from a distance and she waved, but just kept moving on without even stopping to talk (and she didn't look in a hurry). Maybe I'm just too friendly and perky for my own good, but I really enjoy those encounters with people I haven't seen in years.

As I said, maybe I'm just too sensitive. People are busy with their lives (so am I!), but what is life if you can't make those brief connections with others. It just bummed me out. I also read this post from Profgrrrrl earlier and it got me thinking about how my life has changed since I started this blog. I've decided that I am less happy now than I was before I got tenure. Sure, I had that pressure to get tenure, but I honestly think that I was generally happier then. I was perfectly thrilled to have one child and didn't even consider wanting another one. The future seemed full of possibilities. The same political crap at work is still there, even though some of the people have changed. I feel like I spend less time with H than ever (I can't remember the last time we had a babysitter, so we could go out together). Money is a big stress, etc, etc. I guess it doesn't help that I am writing this with just one very hectic week left in the semester***, but I'm just feeling blah about things. I feel out of it in my work, too. I use technology in my research and feel like I must be lagging behind.

I'm sure it will all look brighter tomorrow. Maybe I should stop trying to reach out to people- even in my own family- if they just don't seem to have the time or interest to keep in touch.

*I still talk to my brother and see him when we visit PhD City.

**And yes- he is on FB regularly, so I know he saw the message!

***Maybe some PMS is creeping in, too.

Another sad anniversary

It's been two years since the miscarriage (can you believe it?). I'm OK with being a mom of one and most of the time I don't think I would want to start all over again with a baby at this point, either. It is really hard to have so many reminders, though. I always seem to know someone who is pregnant (even friends from high school who are as "old" as me), and I have three friends with toddlers that keep the dates fixed in my mind- one friend who had her baby the same day I had the miscarriage, and two other friends who had babies when I was supposed to have mine (they are around 18 months old now). Again, most of the time, I'm fine with it- but other times, I can't bear to look at photos of their kids on FB.

I read my post from last year at this time, and it seems like I'm in a better state of mind now than I was then. I am also getting ready for a conference trip (like I was then), but not stressing out about it in such an extreme way. This time we are driving to a conference (the whole family). I have my talk pretty much ready and am just worrying about getting other things done before we leave later in the week. It should be a good trip (if D feels better- she has a sore throat and I'm starting to suspect it is strep!)

One of the things I've been doing lately instead of blogging, is reading for fun. As I wrote about recently, I read the Harry Potter series. After that, I read His Dark Materials (finished The Amber Spyglass yesterday). I am going to read the short follow-up books to that, but then I need to find something else. I've really been enjoying getting back to reading fiction. It's reduced my TV watching, although I don't usually watch hours of TV, anyway. I've also been working my way through another kind of book. D and I have been enjoying yummy cupcakes on a daily basis and I make a new batch as soon as we finish one. I hope we can cope without them for a few days while we're gone!

We're down to three weeks in the semester (then finals) and I can't wait. I always feel burned out this time of the semester...

T-minus one week

It's Monday and D went back to school today. H and I had originally planned to go see a movie this afternoon (before D gets home), but decided against it. I have been finalizing syllabi and making granola (hopefully) bars. I am even thinking of going and taking ornaments off the tree. The next teaching prep I need to do is start looking over lectures and planning some in-class activities and discussions. That seems harder than just updating calendars and syllabi, so I am procrastinating right now. I just go over the syllabus on the first day, but do have intro things I'd like to do in both classes, so I do need to do some more prep.

I was watching a show about hoarders last night before I went to bed and I started thinking that I have some hoarding tendencies- in real life and in digital form. We have a LOT of things we could get rid of, but they continue to sit in the basement. We also have piles of papers that need to be shredded. We have a good shredder, but I don't see when we're ever going to get through all of it. Our house isn't scary messy, but we do have some clutter issues. The problem is always taking the time to sort everything- what should be kept? what can be pitched? I have the exact same problem with digital files. My hard drives fill up, but I am afraid to delete things- I might need that! Even my email is cluttered, too. A friend commented about her inbox on FB and I checked to see how many messages were in mine: over 13,000. This usually doesn't bother me, because I use labels (Gmail) and can usually find things- I just don't archive everything (clearly). I sometimes worry what will happen when I reach my quota, but then I'll probably just go purge a bunch of emails then. In real life, I think that H contributes to our clutter- since he grew up in a developing country, I think it makes him reluctant to get rid of anything. We have all kinds of outdated electronics and computer equipment, but he doesn't seem to want to get rid of it. I'm not blaming him- I came into our marriage with WAY more material crap than he had, but I think he has some issues with that, too.

So, I'm superficially organized for the semester, but still have plenty to do. I don't teach any labs the first week and the second week is short, so I'll get to ease into the semester a bit, anyway. Maybe organizing is something I should consider doing, too!

It's finally over...

... and I vow NEVER to teach five days a week again. Whew!

Today was the last day of classes and I am so ecstatic that I don't have to get up at 6:30 any more. This morning when my alarm went off, I thought "at least it's the last time!" I'm teaching my earliest class at 10:10 am next semester (and not teaching at all on Tuesdays and Thursdays), so I'm relieved to have this rough schedule done. I still have a week of exams and a mountain of grading to do, but I as I sit here in my fleece robe, smelling like a LUSH blackberry bath bomb, I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. I'm also remembering that I had made of list of academic new year's resolutions and wondering how I did. Here they are:

1. I will not let the students in my big first-year course get me down. If they are obnoxious, I will ask them to leave and not get all worked up about it.

I think I did pretty well with this one. I did have a couple of emails that rubbed me the wrong way, but I can't think of any students who were just the bane of my existence this semester. I never asked anyone to leave class, but nobody was being disruptive either.

2. I will do my darnedest to get students to participate in discussion in my upper level courses. And I will try to bite my tongue, so that I don't take over the whole discussion!

I'm sure I could have done better with this one. I was probably better than I have been in the past, but I know that I probably monopolized a couple of discussions over the semester. I think discussion were better than in the past, but I think it's because I am more willing to sit and wait for students to speak up. I also had some great students this semester, and they contributed in class.

3. I will keep exercising at least four days a week (ideally five) when classes start. I may have to revert back to my EARLY schedule of yesteryear, but I am going to do it, dammit!

I was doing really well with this until I caught a cold right before Thanksgiving. I was severely congested and coughing for weeks (I'm finally just about over it now!) I have gotten out of the habit, but now that my schedule is more flexible, I am going to get back into it.

4. I will try to have a positive attitude about life in general. This has usually been easy for me, but has seemed harder over the last year or so. I need to shed some cynicism.

Wow- I didn't do well with this one at all. I have still been plagued with periods of depression and feelings of hopelessness about the future. This is a hard one- sometimes it's hard to pull myself out of feelings- even if I know they are irrational. We'll see how I am next semester.

So, I had planned to get some grading done tonight, but that has not happened. I wrapped presents with D instead, which was fun. I'll be in grading jail this weekend for sure...

Nothing like a blogger meet-up...

...to get me blogging again! Yes, I'm still here. Of course, a lot of you already know that since I'm friends with you on Facebook, but for anyone else still out there, I've finally decided to check in. What better format could there be to catch up on the last month, than RBOC?

• I had a blogger meet-up with Dr. Super Babe and her man this afternoon. They were in our general area to visit some friends, so H, D, and I met up with them for coffee before they got on the road this afternoon. It's always wonderful to meet virtual friends in person, and it was especially nice to meet them both. We all bonded over our shared liberal views of the world and wondered why more people don't agree with us. We had a great talk about all sorts of things and after they left, I thought of more things I wanted to ask them! No foot pictures this time- we took a couple 'real' photos that will likely end up on FB, though. I'm so glad that we were able to meet up. :)
• I'm giddily (ok, that's an exaggeration) counting down the days in this 5-teaching-days-a-week semester. The end is definitely in sight, but I have a mountain of grading to climb before it's all over. I've already been scheming about next fall and how I can avoid teaching five days a week again. I really miss having just one day a week when I can stay in my sweats, take D to the school bus, then get some work done without having to be anywhere.
• Personally, I'm not too thrilled with things right now. I'm generally upbeat and happy most of the time (as I have always been), but I have been noticing some real low periods creeping in now and then. I'm exercising three to four days a week, so that should help, but I still seem to get into a funk now and then. I can't point to any one thing, but I know I am still being haunted by last year's miscarriage. It doesn't help that I have two friends (who live far away) that had babies when I was supposed to last fall (and they both celebrated their first birthdays in the last few weeks). And these friends were BOTH at D's birth- how's that for a coincidence? There are times when I enjoy seeing photos of their kids, but other times I just can't bear to see a baby at all. I keep thinking the feeling will fade, and I can't believe that I'm feeling like this almost two years later (ok, 18 months). Good grief, people.
• I have to end on a more positive bullet point, right? Well, I am thrilled with my RA this year. She is doing great work and I get along with her on a personal level. It's SO refreshing after last year's disaster. Hooray for good grad students!!

So, that's it. Four bullet points to summarize the last month. I guess I could have gotten into more details about the crazy traveling for my friend's memorial, followed by my mom's annual visit and D's 10th birthday, then H's friend visiting from Very Distant Country right after that, and D's swine flu shot, and going to the ballet, and some other things, but that about sums it up! I hope everyone out in blogland is doing well.

More summer laziness

Sigh.

I haven't made much (any) progress on that rest of the summer to-do-list. I have gone in for necessary meetings this week, then come home right afterward. Today, I ran errands with D and H all afternoon and spent this evening feeling incredibly sleepy. I think my lack of exercise is not helping me feel very energized. I did get good news that I did NOT have a stress fracture in my foot, but it still hurts and I am not allowed to do any exercise that impacts it (even walking). I should start swimming again, but I am not feeling motivated to drive over to the U pool and parade around in a swimsuit (I have officially reached my heaviest ever). I also know that I will struggle to get there when classes start, since I am teaching five days a week. I ordered a recumbent exercise bike today, because then I will be able to exercise in the basement like I am used to. I am really excited about being able to read while exercising, too. I never felt comfortable reading on the treadmill, so I always watched movies instead. I think I'll be able to get a lot more reading in on that bike. While I wait for it to arrive, I should just drag myself over to the U pool and do some swimming. Of course, D will want to come and that will mean I won't get in much actual swimming.

Anyway, I need to start making some serious lists. I have decided I should just start in on teaching prep, since I can't manage to get anything else done. We'll see what I can do tomorrow. This weekend will be busy with D starting riding lessons again, going to a birthday party, and we have a going away party, too. I know I will be kicking myself in a few weeks and wondering how I managed to squander another summer. I am seriously considering taking next summer off and not even bothering to work. Of course, that is totally unrealistic considering that I am going to be doing some service work in June and still have summer salary from the Big Grant next summer. 

I'll get my act together at some point. I swear. Ugh.

Gloomy 4th of July

I don't mind, actually. We have no plans, so it isn't spoiling anything for us to get rained on today. I do feel bad for people who were planning to attend the outdoor music and fireworks event in Major City, though. Bummer.

We are just hanging out at home, spending a VERY lazy Saturday. H went for a run on the treadmill, but I have been sidelined by a foot problem. I think I must have injured myself at Relay for Life. In hindsight, I probably need new running shoes- I only walk in them, but I've had them for over three years now. It might have been the combination of the heat wearing me out quicker, my old shoes, and a concrete surface that did me in. I'm wondering if I could have a stress fracture, although it's not very painful. I kept waiting after the weekend to resume my usual treadmill walking, but after walking around the zoo on Wednesday, my right foot was really sore (I never made it to the treadmill). It hurts if I pull my third toe up, but not the others and it was sore yesterday after doing some shopping. It just seems like any kind of fracture would be more painful than this, but who know. Whatever is wrong, it's not great timing since we are headed to Adopted Home State next week for our family visit/anniversary trip and H and I planned to do some hiking on our side trip without D. I'm sure I can do some walking, but I don't want to overdo it and make it worse.

In other news, I am somewhat out of my funk, but still feeling like I am just doing too much thinking about life in general. About decisions and my age and time running out for certain things. I'm having a constant internal struggle that causes my mindset to shift almost daily (or hourly!) I don't know why I am driving myself crazy like this, but I can't help it. Ugh. I am looking forward to getting out of town for a while and having a change of scenery. I am also looking forward to celebrating ten years of marriage to H this month. Our side trip from my mom's will be only our second trip without D ever- and the first trip without her was to a conference! If you know me on Facebook, watch for pictures in the next few weeks.

More of the same

I have been feeling depressed the last couple of days*, but can't really blog about it. Don't worry- nothing has happened- I'm just feeling low. I don't think anyone can tell I'm depressed, though. I am usually pretty cheery around other people, but when I'm home and just thinking, I feel sad. Hopefully, this weekend's Relay for Life will put things into perspective. Although, I always feel like I am being a selfish loser when I get depressed, because I really have no right to feel this way. I'm tired of taking D to doctor's appointments and just want her to be better. The physical therapy at home is just torture, because her arm hurts and she whimpers through every single exercise. It's really hard to get her to understand that building muscle is hard and is going to hurt. She's in good spirits the rest of the time, though.

Anyway- just checking in to fill your day with sunshine. Hopefully, I'll be out of this funk soon.

*I would love to go crawl back into bed and just cry this morning, but everyone is home and I have get ready for a meeting at school.

Not a great day.

This post title applies on two levels: 1) father's day is always a reminder that my father is not a nice person and felt it necessary to "disown" me for marrying someone with dark skin, and 2) today (and this weekend) has been pretty crappy. 

H got home on Friday afternoon, which was very nice for all of us. We took him to dinner at a favorite restaurant and he went to bed before D. Then a thunderstorm knocked out our electricity for about 12 hours (before 2am to after noon Saturday). It was a bit warm with no fans or A/C, but not too bad- just more of an annoyance than anything else. I took D to the ER today, because her elbow looked bad. The wound has healed over, but she bumped it pretty hard yesterday and a big blister formed over it. The doctor drained it and took a sample to culture. She also prescribed TWO antibiotics- one 'regular' one and another in case she has MRSA. We have to wash it a couple times a day and keep it covered. And follow up with our regular doctor this week. The ER visit was not quick of course, but at least I don't feel like an overly paranoid parent (although I'd rather that nothing was wrong with her!). She starts physical therapy tomorrow to get her arm strengthened AND we have to get in to see the orthodontist because the wire came off on one side. 

So, nothing serious, thankfully, but I am more than a little worried about the elbow infection. It has closed up! Weeks ago! I don't understand how it could have gotten infected. Ugh. I realize there are worse things that could happen, but this elbow saga has been going for more than a month now. And I have PMS. And I'm ready for D to be healthy again. I am ready for this summer to take a different course. We go on vacation in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will be a nice change of scenery. 

I am trying to get back into exercising, which has been good AND I am doing Relay for Life next weekend. I am trying to get geared up for that- I've never even been, so I am looking forward to it. D was going to come for part of it, but now she can't be out in the sun (one of the antibiotics) and we may just have to skip that... I'm off for a LUSH bath now and maybe a beer.

Summer frustrations

Ah, summer. No teaching. Small College Town is peaceful and quiet except for the few students around taking summer classes and coming for freshman orientation. My days are generally unstructured and full of possibilities. And that is my major problem. I ALWAYS have trouble motivating and being productive in the summer. I think the endless stream of days ahead of me just lulls me into a sense of infinite time. "I can do that tomorrow! Or next week! Wouldn't it be better to just clean out this closet or watch a movie?" And that is just during the time that D is still in school. She has her last day on Wednesday, then I am really screwed. Not that she needs constant attention or supervision, but a day-long stretch of uninterrupted research time is just not feasible (OK- I'm just making excuses). But I want to do things with her, while we are both out of school, so I am distracted by making plans for those things. Maybe, I'm just lazy. Who knows, but summer is a time that I never seem to be productive and it's a shame.

What are your strategies for staying focused in the summer? I could use some ideas, because after seven years in this job, I still can't figure it out!

Can it really be different this time?

I am hoping that this summer can be different in one way from all other summers since I was hired into this tenured track job: I would like to accomplish some research. I usually start out with good intentions and have even been quite productive during the month of May (while D is still in school), but it usually all goes to hell in a hand basket once she is home for the summer. And I can't blame her- she is very independent and self-sufficient (she IS an only-child), but I just tend to lose focus. Either my mother-in-law is visiting (which has really been only two out of the previous six summers since starting this job), or we take a trip (we take at least a short trip every summer), or I am teaching (only two summers). Let's face it, I squander my summers away with going out to eat, shopping, getting caught up in household chores (cleaning out closets, or putting the house on the market like last summer). We have been officially done less than a week, but I did two days of service with third and fourth graders who came to visit our department. I don't high hopes for the coming week, because H is getting ready to leave for Very Distant Country (on Memorial Day). My only hope is that I will be productive while he's gone- although I will be depressed that he is not here. D has three and half weeks of school left, followed by a week-long all day camp (H gets home at the end of that week), then half day camp the following week. Hopefully, I can get myself in gear.

I am going to be advising a summer research assistant who arrives when H leaves, so I will have some contact time with her, need to decide what she should work on, etc. I also am supposed to be helping with a collaborative proposal (with too many collaborators!) that is due in a couple of weeks. Otherwise, I need to set some goals, make a plan, and stick to it. I also need to start exercising again- I'm hoping that will fall in line with my research plans and discipline.

In other news, we were totally screwed over by an appraiser (we wanted to refinance and combine our first and second mortgages). The guy appraised our house BELOW the tax-assessed value and used a comp that is not really a comp and not in our neighborhood as a gauge. We are still trying to see if we can just do the first mortgage, but the whole thing just pisses me off. This makes our remodeling plans pretty much impossible and we're even talking of just moving (we can qualify for a much more expensive house, but can't get money to fix this one up). I am wondering if we should file a racial discrimination suit, because the value is so unreasonable (it's almost the same amount we purchased the house for in June 2003, BEFORE the real estate bubble). I'm sure that would be a huge hassle, so for now we'll just see what else the mortgage person can do.

One other thing- I recently revamped my website for my real self and iWeb had an option to add a blog. I added one and decided I will try to keep a professional blog updated on there. Considering what a bad blogger I've been over here, I may end up scrapping it, but we'll see. That blog will focus on work stuff and I will be keeping it professional- no ranting like I do over here! It doesn't allow comments yet, but I may change that. If you know me IRL, check it out!

Conference reflections

Well, D and I made it home last night and H picked us up at the airport. We went out to dinner at our favorite place- which was almost closing and didn't get home until after 10:00. The trip was good overall and I am feeling physically better than I was before the trip. I didn't get to do any spa treatments at the conference (children were not allowed and I had no place to leave D). It was nice to get away from Small College Town for a little while, though. 

I was not thrilled with the conference this time, though. I have attended this meeting twice before, but it was in cities where I had lived, so there were lots of locals that I knew. This time, I knew about three people (and not well). I felt like a complete outsider- also because we didn't attend any of the social gatherings, including the lunch (that I paid for). I asked the organizer if D could come and just share my plate of food and she said it was OK, but only because there were some no-shows and she seemed quite irritated about it. We decided to go eat elsewhere. 

I gave a poster instead of a talk and ran into that same old problem: "Are you a PhD student?" I played it off as a compliment that I look young, but was really quite annoyed about it. I'm almost 39! Is it so hard to believe that I am a tenured associate professor?? Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it just brings up all sorts of confidence issues for me and I start second-guessing everything about my research. But then, that is silly, too- I am a co-PI on a federally-funded grant and was presenting research from that grant. Why should I feel like this? I don't seem to do well when I strike up conservations with other conference attendees, either.  

The whole thing just gives me a major case of impostor syndrome (which I tend toward, anyway). I feel like never going to another conference and forgetting about ever going up for full professor, because I don't know how to schmooze or make connections within my discipline. Ugh. 

I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer over here lately, especially because it doesn't reflect my actual mood most of the time (as those who know me on Facebook know). I am hoping to have a productive summer of research (yes- we've all hear THAT one before!), and get a paper written. Today, I am playing catch-up from my week away by writing a lecture for tomorrow and other teaching chores...

The conference was in a BEAUTIFUL place (I wish I could post pictures, but it would give me away- they're all on Facebook!) and we got to visit Adopted Home State before that, so the week away was definitely good for me. Now, if I can just survive these last two weeks of the semester!!!

Another trip around the sun

It's been a year since this happened, and I have totally come to accept it and feel like I have moved on, but it still makes me sad to think about it. I don't think anyone else knows that it was today and I didn't want to mention it to H, while he's back at home and I'm here in adopted Home State with D (visiting my mom). So, I am just 'marking' the event without sharing (except for you guys!) While I may have recovered from that sad event, I have not been feeling quite myself. I was making myself physically ill before this trip, by stressing out over EVERYTHING. I was shaky, dizzy, light-headed, having digestive problems, nightmares, migraines, etc. I am feeling normal since we got here, so I am no longer convinced that I must have diabetes or a thyroid problem (which was only adding to my pre-trip stress). I only have about two weeks left in the semester when I get home from this trip, so I am hoping to keep myself together then.

Tomorrow, D and I are off to Mountain Resort for my conference (I dragged her along since she has spring break this week). I am very tempted to take advantage of their spa and have a massage or facial while we are there. I am also almost hoping to get snowed in (they've been having TONS of snow there)- except that I want to get home to see H. I'll post some pictures from there, but here's one from this leg of the trip:

It is definitely good to get away from Small College Town for a while- I hadn't left town since last August!! I also got to see my Stepdad for the first time in two years. I'm glad the semester is almost over and I will be able to get to things other than teaching soon!