Catching Up

As you know, I haven't been keeping up with the blog. I haven't been reading blogs either- mostly because I'm not reading content through the blog reading apps these days. I'm more likely to read tumblr or see something Twitter, so I've missed out on happenings on the blogs. I realized it's been almost two years since I posted something over here! Let me catch up with some random bullets:

• D is in high school now(!) and I drive her to a performing arts school almost an hour away (two rounds trips every day). It is worth it for her to go this school, but also to get out of the local high school here which is 99% white. She loves her new school, but still has the same teen struggles. Her eating disorder never got too serious, but she's still coping with body dysmorphia issues. She's in therapy and it definitely helps.
• I've been advising students in our major, minor, etc for the past three semesters. I enjoy it, since students stop by to see me and talk about class scheduling, etc. It's a good fit for me since I like talking to people. 
• I still haven't gone up for promotion. In theory, I could have gone up this year, but I just need some more research productivity to strengthen my record before I can do that. And with my current commuting schedule that is going to be even more challenging than before (I'm in the car 20+ hours a week). I really need to get another grant funded, but I'm sure you know how hard it is to get those things written and submitted- and then they're usually not funded, either. To be honest, I don't even care that much about promotion- other than the salary increase. I'm not a star researcher and never will be and that's fine. I like to have some leisure time in my life. Wow, I am a slacker.

Otherwise, things haven't changed a whole lot around here. We still live in the same house, our newer kitty is hilarious to have around- H even likes her. D is growing up (she'll be 16 this year!) and I'm already thinking about how my schedule will be freed up when she goes to college (without the commuting). Time flies.  I won't make any promises about posting over here, so if I do it can be a little surprise for everyone. 

Blogging FAIL.

Well, this has not gone as I'd hoped! I'm already missing days, so maybe a more realistic goal is to blog at least 2/3 of the days this month (or post at least 20 times?). I am really swamped with work and have really been forgetting that I wanted to post! I was also caught up in the election- I even stayed up until 2:00 on Election Night when I had to teach at 8:00 the next day! Last night was recovery time (I slept 10 hours!) and today is grading jail and catching up with other teaching and service (like a manuscript review that is already late!)

Ah, November. I have been enjoying the cooler than usual weather we're having though. It's been below freezing most mornings, then warms up to the 50s. I love having a real fall!! The trees seem like they are bare extra early this year, too (expect for our maple tree in the front yard).

Okay, back to grading jail!!

Mentoring

I've never really had much formal mentoring and H and I have often leaned on each other for support with professional activities and research since we're in the same field and have similar research interests.  We even went up for tenure together!  I always joked that he should have been an honorary PhD committee member for me since I worked on my dissertation long distance for the last 2.5 years of my PhD.  It was easier to ask him which statistic might work better than trying to reach my advisor. 

We both managed to get through tenure this way with a little guidance from others at times and over the last few years I've started to feel that I can serve as a mentor to colleagues who are just starting the tenure track.  The only issue now is I don't have my own good experiences to draw on to be a good resource to this colleague.  How do I be a good mentor? Did any of you have mentors early in your career? Have you served as a mentor? We're supposed to start having discussions about this in my department, but I think many of us are in the same boat. Please share your thoughts!

NaBloPoMo 2012!

It's November 1st, so what better time for me to get back to this blog? It makes me sad that I've given up blogging. It's been taken over by FB for the most part, but lately I've been using Twitter more (my IRL account- this one has also been neglected!) There are a lot of things I would like to blog about- work, family, life- and I'll be visiting those topics as I get back to blogging and try to step back into being Addy N.

One thing that really makes me want to get back to this space is that it's been almost seven years since I started it- I was just about to begin my first sabbatical/leave semester when I started this blog in December 2005. I was in my fourth year on the tenure track, D was kindergarten (she's now in 7th grade and taller than me- just turned 13!). Next semester is my second sabbatical/leave (finally!) and a lot has happened over those years- a lot of it documented in my posts here. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic that way- and when I realized that today is the start of NaBloPoMo, I decided it was time to come back here.

I hope I'm still in your reader feeds! Leave a comment and let me know if anyone is still reading.

Failure

I was at a PhD oral exam this morning and the student failed. For the second time.  It's not clear what happens now, but s/he will not be getting a PhD in that program.

I have not served on many PhD committees, because my department does not offer them. I am on several committees in related disciplines, but few of them have gotten this far in the process (a few students dropped out before this stage) and the other one that is further along than this went well.  I would have been okay with passing him/her on my part of the exam, but a few other committee members felt the s/he did not even work to learn the follow-up material for theirs (and I agree).

I feel just terrible about the whole thing and keep wondering what went wrong- should the advisor have held back on the oral exam when the written exams were not stellar? (I think so!) Should this re-take have been postponed to allow more time for the student to prepare? It's not clear. We did not have the student come back in afterwards, but I saw him/her with her/his advisor afterward and gave her/him a hug (I'm the only woman on the committee, by the way). I told her/him to come and see me soon. I want to encourage this student to apply to another PhD program (maybe in my field instead), because s/he is smart and I think s/he could do it. But today is just NOT his/her day. 

Feeling out of whack

We have had a very strange winter around here- no measurable snowfall yet and much of December was in the 40s and 50s. I don't love the frigid weather- or shoveling snow- but it makes me confused about what month it really is. We got our first "wintry mix" last night, which means everything has a thin layer of ice over it this morning. Thankfully, I don't have to drive anywhere until later today.

December and Christmas were also strange for me because H was out of the country for a research trip for almost 4 weeks- he left the first day of finals and didn't get home until the Friday before classes started. D and I stayed here because we didn't want to spend the money to go to my mom's or grandma's (after our international trip in the summer we're feeling pretty strapped). My sister-in-law was supposed to spend the holiday with us, but she ended up heading to Very Distant Country at the last minute (she comes home today, actually).

I'm getting into the swing of the semester but next week will my first week with labs and a full schedule- plus a PhD oral exam, dentist appointment, and other things. I'm hoping to have a relaxing weekend, although I should really do some house cleaning. The mood has not struck me- I'll blame it on the weather.

And now for something completely different...

A blog post! I can't believe it's been almost two months since I posted here. Although, I can because this semester is a killer. I am just counting down the days until Spring Break so that I can have a break from putting out teaching fires and spend some time catching up on research (whatever that is). I don't feel like delving into the details of my teaching so far, but it's been extra hectic- as I expected it to be. I have Big Conference coming up in April and need to get some work done for that, so Spring Break will be my saving grace there. I'm already looking forward to the semester ending, but obviously that's a long way off.

We have a visiting speaker here this week who I know from my Master's program. I love having campus visitors that I know and it's fun to catch up and hear what is going on back in Favorite City in Adopted Home State. I think I also need that kind of reset that comes from imagining something different for the future- something that doesn't come from all the negative energy that being in my department can bring. I feel like I've let myself down, though. I think I pulled myself out of the post-tenure slump, but I've also had some professional disappointments lately, too. I wish I had some good ideas and felt inspired about research, but I don't right now.

Anyway, I'm still here- way overwhelmed- but hanging in there.

The countdown begins...

Two weeks until classes start. Which means that this is my last week of no work obligations (although I do have a service-related meeting in Capitol City this week). I'm glad that I got that paper submitted before our vacation, but now I have syllabi to update, readings to update, classes to plan, and a short proposal to write. I've also been thinking that another quick vacation trip would be nice, but that's probably not realistic at this point. I had also thought a weekend trip over Labor Day would be nice (since it is also my 40th birthday), but then I realized that most places will be booked up and crowded, so I guess we'll just stay here. See? I was trying to write about work and went off about vacation. You can see where my brain is these days.

D has a day camp this week, so I can't use her as an excuse to goof off, but I am just not excited about getting back to semester-work. And I'm still on this vacation sleeping schedule. I got up at about 7:15 today and that was a huge accomplishment. And I'll be teaching at 9:00 three days a week.* H has been killing himself with an NSF proposal, so he's been burning the 3AM oil working on that the past week or so. I hope they get funded!

I also have another distraction- I got a new phone. It's supposed to be for my birthday, but we ordered it early and it came the next day, so I've been spending all of my time playing with it and setting it up. It's great fun, but hopefully can be a good productivity tool too since it integrates with my calendar and everything. Or that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

So, this feels like my typical August so far. Lamenting the end of summer, trying to get back in a work groove, another birthday looming on the horizon. Life is going along just fine over here. I think I may have another New Year's Resolutions post brewing soon... Or maybe I'll just re-use last year's!

*Unless the class is canceled due to low enrollment, which is entirely possible at this point.

Spousal Hiring

I started to write a comment on Profgrrrrl's post about this, but it was getting out of hand!

Because I am one of the very lucky ones, I don't really feel that I can comment in an objective way about this. I am extremely lucky to be in the same department as my husband (H) and we are both tenured (went up at the same time even!) I felt like that was the true test of our 'worth'- could we both get tenure? Yes.

I was hired here first, then H was offered a job later (his record is what got their attention in the first place, but he was put through as a 'diversity hire'). I know we were extremely lucky and there are some people (at our U and in our department) who were not pleased about his hire, but he was a net new line- a faculty line we wouldn't have otherwise. I know it would never happen now given budget cuts, but we came in at a very good time and had a department chair who knew how to schmooze the administrators on our behalf. At the time, H was prepared to stay in his old (tenure-track) job and commute back there for a few days at a time (3 hour drive). It would not have been ideal, but we would have done it and probably kept looking. D was not even three then, so it would have been especially tough for me the days that H was away.

H contributes to the department in significant ways and I often wonder who would be teaching his courses if he hadn't been hired. We don't have any kind of monopoly on department politics (in fact we often feel that nobody listens to anything we say!) We collaborate on research sometimes, alternate teaching one course between us, and I really don't think that our being married has much (if any) bearing on the department at all.

As lucky as we are, it hasn't always been easy. H was shortchanged by the P&T committee one year and forced to forfeit ALL of his years in a TT position- that meant that we went up at the same time. It was stressful to be going through the process at the same time, but also a lot of pressure to not 'blow' our excellent situation. That was why we never talked about having another baby until after tenure (and that didn't work out). I sometimes wish that we had just had another child earlier, but H always reminds me "what if we didn't get tenure?" I tend to think that things would have been fine, but who knows how having another baby would have impacted my pre-tenure productivity.

I think it's hard to make sweeping statements about spousal hiring one way or the other. In some cases they can be good and other times there can be problems. I can understand the resentment from others, but I'm in no position to judge. I'm just very lucky that my U has a favorable attitude about it- they have even created positions (non-TT) for same sex partners. Pretty progressive for Small Town Midwest!

Feeling dissed

I have a few different things that I've been wanting to blog about lately, both personal and professional and even started writing a few times, only to abandon the post. This is one topic that I can write about in both contexts. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too sensitive and take things too personally, but maybe not.

Let's start with being dissed in my personal life. As my long-time readers know, I haven't talked to my dad in over 10 years (actually it's 11 years now). That was his choice, but I really have no desire at all to reconcile with him. While I don't miss him, this whole situation makes it awkward with my stepmom, brother, and (half) sister. My dad and stepmom are still married (although I sometimes wonder why) and my sister is now married with a toddler and in the Air Force. I haven't seen any of them since my brother's wedding in 2002*. I get a Christmas card from my stepmom (which she also started signing for my dad in the last couple of years). Nothing has been strained with her, but we haven't kept in close touch. It's the same with my sister, although we communicate through Facebook fairly regularly and I sent her a care package while she was deployed. It makes me sad to not be in closer touch with them and seeing pictures of my sister and niece makes me a bit sad, too. I recently (back in February) sent a message to my sister's husband (whom I have never met), just to say hello and let him know that I would like to be FB friends if he's OK with that. I never got a response**. And I am very insulted about it. I didn't mention it to my sister, because it's not the end of the world, but I am truly hurt. I thought that he wasn't like my dad, but I now I have to question that. I feel like not even reaching out to them at all, now. I have never been really close to my sister since we've never even lived in the same state, but I have always tried to keep some contact and know what is going on in her life.

Professionally, I ran into a few people at a conference recently- people I knew in grad school- and felt like some of them really just didn't want to talk to me. For me, one of my favorite parts of attending Giant Conference in my Discipline is to see people from grad school and hear about what they are doing now. One of them was someone I was excited to see since I know she recently had a baby. I saw her from a distance and she waved, but just kept moving on without even stopping to talk (and she didn't look in a hurry). Maybe I'm just too friendly and perky for my own good, but I really enjoy those encounters with people I haven't seen in years.

As I said, maybe I'm just too sensitive. People are busy with their lives (so am I!), but what is life if you can't make those brief connections with others. It just bummed me out. I also read this post from Profgrrrrl earlier and it got me thinking about how my life has changed since I started this blog. I've decided that I am less happy now than I was before I got tenure. Sure, I had that pressure to get tenure, but I honestly think that I was generally happier then. I was perfectly thrilled to have one child and didn't even consider wanting another one. The future seemed full of possibilities. The same political crap at work is still there, even though some of the people have changed. I feel like I spend less time with H than ever (I can't remember the last time we had a babysitter, so we could go out together). Money is a big stress, etc, etc. I guess it doesn't help that I am writing this with just one very hectic week left in the semester***, but I'm just feeling blah about things. I feel out of it in my work, too. I use technology in my research and feel like I must be lagging behind.

I'm sure it will all look brighter tomorrow. Maybe I should stop trying to reach out to people- even in my own family- if they just don't seem to have the time or interest to keep in touch.

*I still talk to my brother and see him when we visit PhD City.

**And yes- he is on FB regularly, so I know he saw the message!

***Maybe some PMS is creeping in, too.

Another sad anniversary

It's been two years since the miscarriage (can you believe it?). I'm OK with being a mom of one and most of the time I don't think I would want to start all over again with a baby at this point, either. It is really hard to have so many reminders, though. I always seem to know someone who is pregnant (even friends from high school who are as "old" as me), and I have three friends with toddlers that keep the dates fixed in my mind- one friend who had her baby the same day I had the miscarriage, and two other friends who had babies when I was supposed to have mine (they are around 18 months old now). Again, most of the time, I'm fine with it- but other times, I can't bear to look at photos of their kids on FB.

I read my post from last year at this time, and it seems like I'm in a better state of mind now than I was then. I am also getting ready for a conference trip (like I was then), but not stressing out about it in such an extreme way. This time we are driving to a conference (the whole family). I have my talk pretty much ready and am just worrying about getting other things done before we leave later in the week. It should be a good trip (if D feels better- she has a sore throat and I'm starting to suspect it is strep!)

One of the things I've been doing lately instead of blogging, is reading for fun. As I wrote about recently, I read the Harry Potter series. After that, I read His Dark Materials (finished The Amber Spyglass yesterday). I am going to read the short follow-up books to that, but then I need to find something else. I've really been enjoying getting back to reading fiction. It's reduced my TV watching, although I don't usually watch hours of TV, anyway. I've also been working my way through another kind of book. D and I have been enjoying yummy cupcakes on a daily basis and I make a new batch as soon as we finish one. I hope we can cope without them for a few days while we're gone!

We're down to three weeks in the semester (then finals) and I can't wait. I always feel burned out this time of the semester...

Work-at-home Thursday

Did I mention how much I've been enjoying having some non-teaching days this semester? I can't believe what a difference it makes to not have to go teach a class (or two) every day of the week. I can actually get my mind to focus on other things (like research!). I can work at home without having to go into campus. I live really close to work, so it's not the distance, but rather the mindset. I taught a morning class every day last semester, so I never had a weekday to be at home and regroup. I had time after class to come home and do things, but I find that mornings are more productive for me, so the day was mostly a loss. I also don't have to come up with FIVE suitable teaching outfits every week, either. That was a real stretch for me. I mean, I could have easily worn the same five outfits every week, but I like to mix it up and dressing up every day was hard for me. I LOVE my days at home in sweats in my home office.

Today, I have some teaching prep to do, I need to read over some P&T files, and want to get some research work done- I need a more specific plan for that, though. If I just say I will work on research, I'll just go in a million directions and not get much done. My wonderful RA is trying to sort out her thesis topic right now and it's tied in with our project, so it's all connected. I'm really enjoying working with her- I wish I had more grant money to fund her for next year, too (she'll switch to a TA).

I also get to spend some time playing with my NEW MacBook Pro! I replaced my old* one with money I had from a workshop and the grant. I can't believe how much faster 4GB of RAM is- and I can add more! I just got it yesterday and am loving how fast it is. I can run a Windows XP AND a Linux virtual machine at the same time! And nothing is slow. BTW, if anyone has experience with Linux, I'd love to hear how you use it. I just installed it and haven't had much time to play around it.

D will be home this morning (at least), because they have a delay due to ice, so my morning may not be as productive as usual... Have a great Thursday, everyone!

*I bought the old one in late 2007 after getting word about tenure. It's underpowered for what I want to do with it.

New Year's Resolutions

Yes, I know it's August, but what better time to set some resolutions for the academic year?

• I will not let the students in my big first-year course get me down. If they are obnoxious, I will ask them to leave and not get all worked up about it.
• I will do my darnedest to get students to participate in discussion in my upper level courses. And I will try to bite my tongue, so that I don't take over the whole discussion!
• I will keep exercising at least four days a week (ideally five) when classes start. I may have to revert back to my EARLY schedule of yesteryear, but I am going to do it, dammit!
• I will try to have a positive attitude about life in general. This has usually been easy for me, but has seemed harder over the last year or so. I need to shed some cynicism.

These seem pretty attainable, right? I need to be more disciplined about some things, but I think I can do all of these. Monday is the start of the new semester, so we'll see how it goes.

Summer milestone

I'm off to a slow start today, but it's probably because I don't have to go to campus for the first time this week. My exercise bike is being delivered today between 10:00 and 2:00, so I need to go clear a good spot in the basement for it. I have teaching prep I want to work on, too. I met with my summer intern for the last time yesterday. They did their presentations in the morning and by today, most of them will have left town. I had a positive experience again this year and s/he did some work that I probably wouldn't have managed if s/he hadn't been here. However, it's not publication-ready work and s/he wrote very little that can be used right now. I need to do some additional analysis and think about some data issues before a paper would even be a possibility. I would like for him/her to remain involved, but it will be tricky when we both start classes. I co-advised a student last summer and that work was good, but still hasn't been published either. That student was busy with school when s/he went home and my co-adviser (who ended up taking the lead) hasn't put time into it either. 

So, I have a lot to think about for research. I have mostly been thinking about classes, though. This is the earliest I have prepared for classes (although I'm not anywhere near being ready yet). Partly, it's because we are going out of town right before classes start and I want to have things ready before we leave for that trip. 

Otherwise, summer is really winding down. It's almost August. The students will be back in a few weeks and my full-load semester will start (with classes every day). I have a new RA coming, too. I am very optimistic about him/her if for no other reason than s/he has no chance of being the disaster that I had last year. I hope.

Summer frustrations

Ah, summer. No teaching. Small College Town is peaceful and quiet except for the few students around taking summer classes and coming for freshman orientation. My days are generally unstructured and full of possibilities. And that is my major problem. I ALWAYS have trouble motivating and being productive in the summer. I think the endless stream of days ahead of me just lulls me into a sense of infinite time. "I can do that tomorrow! Or next week! Wouldn't it be better to just clean out this closet or watch a movie?" And that is just during the time that D is still in school. She has her last day on Wednesday, then I am really screwed. Not that she needs constant attention or supervision, but a day-long stretch of uninterrupted research time is just not feasible (OK- I'm just making excuses). But I want to do things with her, while we are both out of school, so I am distracted by making plans for those things. Maybe, I'm just lazy. Who knows, but summer is a time that I never seem to be productive and it's a shame.

What are your strategies for staying focused in the summer? I could use some ideas, because after seven years in this job, I still can't figure it out!

Can it really be different this time?

I am hoping that this summer can be different in one way from all other summers since I was hired into this tenured track job: I would like to accomplish some research. I usually start out with good intentions and have even been quite productive during the month of May (while D is still in school), but it usually all goes to hell in a hand basket once she is home for the summer. And I can't blame her- she is very independent and self-sufficient (she IS an only-child), but I just tend to lose focus. Either my mother-in-law is visiting (which has really been only two out of the previous six summers since starting this job), or we take a trip (we take at least a short trip every summer), or I am teaching (only two summers). Let's face it, I squander my summers away with going out to eat, shopping, getting caught up in household chores (cleaning out closets, or putting the house on the market like last summer). We have been officially done less than a week, but I did two days of service with third and fourth graders who came to visit our department. I don't high hopes for the coming week, because H is getting ready to leave for Very Distant Country (on Memorial Day). My only hope is that I will be productive while he's gone- although I will be depressed that he is not here. D has three and half weeks of school left, followed by a week-long all day camp (H gets home at the end of that week), then half day camp the following week. Hopefully, I can get myself in gear.

I am going to be advising a summer research assistant who arrives when H leaves, so I will have some contact time with her, need to decide what she should work on, etc. I also am supposed to be helping with a collaborative proposal (with too many collaborators!) that is due in a couple of weeks. Otherwise, I need to set some goals, make a plan, and stick to it. I also need to start exercising again- I'm hoping that will fall in line with my research plans and discipline.

In other news, we were totally screwed over by an appraiser (we wanted to refinance and combine our first and second mortgages). The guy appraised our house BELOW the tax-assessed value and used a comp that is not really a comp and not in our neighborhood as a gauge. We are still trying to see if we can just do the first mortgage, but the whole thing just pisses me off. This makes our remodeling plans pretty much impossible and we're even talking of just moving (we can qualify for a much more expensive house, but can't get money to fix this one up). I am wondering if we should file a racial discrimination suit, because the value is so unreasonable (it's almost the same amount we purchased the house for in June 2003, BEFORE the real estate bubble). I'm sure that would be a huge hassle, so for now we'll just see what else the mortgage person can do.

One other thing- I recently revamped my website for my real self and iWeb had an option to add a blog. I added one and decided I will try to keep a professional blog updated on there. Considering what a bad blogger I've been over here, I may end up scrapping it, but we'll see. That blog will focus on work stuff and I will be keeping it professional- no ranting like I do over here! It doesn't allow comments yet, but I may change that. If you know me IRL, check it out!

Preparing for grading jail

It's finals week here at Small College Town U and I'm giving my only in-class exam today. I have a pile of grading to do and have not had a lot of motivation to dig in so far. On Saturday, I was gone ALL DAY with D's Brownie troop on a trip to Capitol City's Fun Museum. Yesterday, I was mostly recovering from that and finalizing today's exam. I have various meetings this week for student committees, proposals, etc. and need to clean the house, because we are having an appraisal done on Thursday (for re-financing), then a meeting in Capitol City on Friday. I have a lot I want (need) to accomplish this summer and know that once D is out of school, I am pretty useless, so these next several weeks really need to be productive. I have managed to volunteer for some fun things and advising a summer research student, so I REALLY need to discipline myself. I also want to start exercising again, because that has fallen by the wayside and that's never a good thing. I'll probably try to start blogging some to-do lists to keep me motivated!

Conference reflections

Well, D and I made it home last night and H picked us up at the airport. We went out to dinner at our favorite place- which was almost closing and didn't get home until after 10:00. The trip was good overall and I am feeling physically better than I was before the trip. I didn't get to do any spa treatments at the conference (children were not allowed and I had no place to leave D). It was nice to get away from Small College Town for a little while, though. 

I was not thrilled with the conference this time, though. I have attended this meeting twice before, but it was in cities where I had lived, so there were lots of locals that I knew. This time, I knew about three people (and not well). I felt like a complete outsider- also because we didn't attend any of the social gatherings, including the lunch (that I paid for). I asked the organizer if D could come and just share my plate of food and she said it was OK, but only because there were some no-shows and she seemed quite irritated about it. We decided to go eat elsewhere. 

I gave a poster instead of a talk and ran into that same old problem: "Are you a PhD student?" I played it off as a compliment that I look young, but was really quite annoyed about it. I'm almost 39! Is it so hard to believe that I am a tenured associate professor?? Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it just brings up all sorts of confidence issues for me and I start second-guessing everything about my research. But then, that is silly, too- I am a co-PI on a federally-funded grant and was presenting research from that grant. Why should I feel like this? I don't seem to do well when I strike up conservations with other conference attendees, either.  

The whole thing just gives me a major case of impostor syndrome (which I tend toward, anyway). I feel like never going to another conference and forgetting about ever going up for full professor, because I don't know how to schmooze or make connections within my discipline. Ugh. 

I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer over here lately, especially because it doesn't reflect my actual mood most of the time (as those who know me on Facebook know). I am hoping to have a productive summer of research (yes- we've all hear THAT one before!), and get a paper written. Today, I am playing catch-up from my week away by writing a lecture for tomorrow and other teaching chores...

The conference was in a BEAUTIFUL place (I wish I could post pictures, but it would give me away- they're all on Facebook!) and we got to visit Adopted Home State before that, so the week away was definitely good for me. Now, if I can just survive these last two weeks of the semester!!!

10 Years Ago Today

I only have one story when it comes to overcoming challenges in my career, because for the most part, I have been extremely lucky. I don't have tales of long separations from my husband because of the two body problem, because we were only apart for a few months when we were first married. Those times were not easy, but it was short. I have also been lucky to not to be touched by tragedy in my personal life. My story is different, because nothing bad actually happened to me- it was a challenging and tough time, but the outcome was a very good one.

During my second year as a PhD student, I made plans to finish my required coursework, take (& hopefully pass) my written and oral exams and reach the status of ABD. In fact, when I was out for New Year's Eve and it turned 1999, I yelled "This is the year that I will be ABD!" That much was true, but a lot of other things changed in 1999. In 1998, I had worked in a department outside of my own for my research assistantship and had met some new people in that department. One of those people was H. We had talked in the computer lab a few times and agreed that we should go out to lunch some time (with other grad students).

We started dating in early 1999 and on March 8th (10 years ago today!), I found out I was pregnant*. We decided that we should have the baby and H even suggested getting married. When we shared the news with friends and family, everyone was shocked. My mother stopped speaking to me and sent a nasty email accusing me of having unprotected sex. Her reaction seemed more fit for a pregnant 17-year-old than a 28-year-old PhD student, and she even called my dad**, who proceeded to call me and leave a message- which I didn't return for weeks, because I knew he had nothing good to say. Why all the hoopla? Well, maybe I forgot to mention that H is black- and (to make matters worse in their eyes) actually from Africa! What could be more scandalous?! I even had a good friend from high school who told me to be careful because H might just be using me to get citizenship.

Wow. Was I feeling supported by my family! During all of this, I started having morning sickness (at a conference & during my morning classes) and by April I was taking my written exams. Four of the five were take-home-and-write-over-two-days kind of exams and during one of them, H got a tenure track job offer at a U that was almost 2000 miles away. I also threw out my neck at this point and it was excruciatingly painful to even lift my left arm (and no ibuprofen for me, either). Once we settled on H taking the job and me staying behind for the first year so that I could finish my proposal and have this baby, things calmed down a bit. I finally called my dad back, who alternated between telling me that "they're a different breed of people" and "I'm sure they treat their women really well"*** and "you're still in the honeymoon period and not making rational decisions". I was so glad to have that phone call over with. We haven't spoken since.

I passed my writtens, although one was not what the committee member had wanted, and my oral exam was scheduled for early May. I was still hanging in there with my classes and everything and H and I looked for a house to rent for the next year so that we would have more room for the baby. My oral exam lasted three hours and when I finally was told to leave the room, the discussion went on for quite a while. I was later told that one of my committee members said "Addy doesn't seem very excited about her research." He didn't know I was pregnant at the time. The truth is that I was so tired by the end of that oral exam, I just wanted to be finished! I passed, so it was all OK, but had no family members to call and share the good news with. To be fair, my brother was still talking to me, although he was in shock about everything, and my stepdad was always supportive. He told me that my mom would come around- which she eventually did. 

We got married that summer- just a few weeks before H moved to Bible Belt State. My mother-in-law came from Very Distant Country to be at the wedding (at the court house), as did H's brother (who was living in the Midwest), and some of my very excellent friends from Adopted Home State. We had a party/reception at a friend's house and it was very nice. When it came time for H to move across the country, I drove with him in a rented cargo van (I was 6 months pregnant at the time) and flew back alone. Before he left, my stepdad flew in for just one day so that he could meet H. My mom had started speaking to me again and I went for a visit over Labor Day (and she threw a surprise baby shower- the only one I had). 

When D made her appearance (almost three weeks early), H was almost 2000 miles away and he didn't get to meet her until a week later (the same day that he also met my mom, her husband, and my grandma). He likes to tell D that he met at the Circle K, because it was where the airport bus dropped him off and I had brought her with me to pick him up. He was able to stay for 10 days, then went back for about six weeks, and came home at Christmas break- we've been together ever since, since I decided to just move in January instead of staying until May. I was very lucky to get a three year fellowship that started the fall that D was born, so I never worked until I got my job here at Small College Town U. I was able to stay at home with D, while finishing my dissertation. I defended in June 2002 and we moved here in July. 

Now ten years have passed since that fateful day that I went for a follow-up appointment and they thought I should take a pregnancy test. It was surreal when the nurse came back in and told me that it was positive. I was just stunned. Things have worked out amazingly well for us and I consider myself extremely lucky. Even when my family wasn't supporting me, I had H and some wonderful friends (including the three friends who were at D's birth!) to keep me going. 

*We had a contraceptive mishap early on and I had taken the morning after pill, so this came a real shock to us both!
**My parents divorced in 1977 and don't speak to each other.
***Ironic comment coming from someone who was physically abusive to my mother.

scientiae carnival

Another year, another RA offer...

So I emailed one of the prospective graduate students to make an offer. I am so afraid of what happened last year (where a student accepted- filled out paperwork & everything, then backed out in April). This time I have other potential students, but I am just nervous about the whole thing. Then, I am also worried that this student will accept, show up, and be a total disaster. I guess this is always a risk with RAs, but I have so few opportunities to do this, that I want things to go well- especially after this year has essentially been wasted. Ugh.