Happy Belated Blog-o-versary to Me!

OK- now things are getting pretty pathetic if I missed my own 4th blog-o-versary! Of course, I haven't been writing over here that much lately, so I hardly feel like like I've accomplished something with this milestone. However, I am not willing to give up on this space. Even if my posts are rarer these days, I don't feel like I want to abandon this blog. I actually have ideas for posts swimming around in my head some days, but then don't have the motivation or time to actually write those posts. As much as I love Facebook, I still like having this pseudonymous space to write, too. There are plenty of things going on at work that I want to post about (some of which are escaping me right now!) and I could never write about them on FB in the same way.

Maybe my lack of writing here is also linked to my lack of writing in general. I have not been very productive in my research lately, despite being in the last year of my first Big Grant. I am thrilled with RA this year and have high hopes for making some good progress during our last year of funding, but I have been so swamped with teaching that I haven't done much work myself. I'm starting to wonder how I managed to get tenure, because my teaching load is the same as it was during the 2004/2005 through 2006/2007 academic years. I was getting research done, writing papers, writing proposals AND teaching my full load. Now, I can't seem to do much more than just teach and do grading and class prep. So, maybe that's part of it. I have not been reading blogs much lately, either, though. And that's even more sad, since I am not as connected with many of you. However, I am friends with lots of you on FB now, so I am in touch in that way at least.

So, here I sit, four years after starting this blog. I am sitting at the same desk, but typing on my MacBook instead of my desktop PC (which I still have!) I'd like to get back into the groove of writing for research, and maybe writing over here is a good start. You've all heard that one before, right?

Thinking of years gone by

I have been in Adopted Home State for the past few days on an unscheduled trip. One of my good friends from high school days (and after) committed suicide. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years and last spoke to him about year ago, but the news hit me really hard. I came out for the memorial and I'm really glad that I did. I got to see his family and mutual friends that I had not seen in many years. I met people that knew my name, because of my friend and his brother, and it was comforting to see the look of recognition in their faces when I introduced myself. It also made me sad that I hadn't kept in touch. We were friends on Facebook, but he was not a fan of digital communication- he much preferred talking on the phone. It's been a sad couple of weeks since I heard the bad news, but most of the memorial was spent with his friends sharing their memories and laughing about the things that he did.

This trip also reunited me with other friends that I hadn't seen since D's baby shower ten years ago. I went out to dinner with some of my core group of friends from high school. We're all married now- one with three kids, two of us with one kid, and another who just got married and is trying. I was surprised to learn that two of my friends have had multiple miscarriages, too. It made me feel kind of like a wimp or something for being so affected by *just" one. I hope my friend gets pregnant and stays pregnant soon so that she can have her first! When I was pregnant, few of my friends were even married and none were having kids yet. I had no one to connect with over pregnancy and baby things then.

I also got to spend some time with my step dad and his wife while I'm here. This is my first visit to my mom's house alone in ten years. Since that baby shower trip in 1999, I have always been here with D and H or just D. The only solo trips I ever take are for conferences and we try to do those a family anyway.

OK, I'm digressing- I wanted to write about how the death of my friend has caused me to dig up memories that I'd forgotten and see people that had almost fallen out of my memory. Thinking back to those days of high school, college, and when I moved back here for 8 months after undergrad, makes me sad for losing touch with those friends. I haven't lived in this area in 16 years and left the state 12 years ago, but people can stay friends over the miles if they want to. I think I have been so caught up in my own things- work, especially- that I haven't made it a priority. I am determined to stay in touch now, but I hope that it happens. Maybe, we'll go back our busy lives and lose touch all over again. I hope not. I can't help but feeling like I've been living my own version of the The Big Chill this weekend. I'm doing a lot of reflecting and thinking about a lot of things... and missing my friend.

damn.

I got Tuesday's blood test results.
My hCG was 4.9.
I have to go for another blood test next week.
Today, it's been four weeks since the miscarriage.
I've been grading shoddy student work all day.
A honey bee bath bomb didn't even cheer me up.
I'm almost out of beer.*
bummer.


*I did not drink the beer today!

I'm an aunt again!

My sister had her baby on Monday (my step-mom sent pictures). I feel like crying and I don't know if it's because:

1. I am jealous
2. I am feeling sad over my miscarriage all over again
3. I haven't seen my sister in over six years
4. I haven't met her husband
5. I can't believe my sister is a mom (she's 12 years younger than me from my dad's 2nd marriage)

I hope I can keep it together- I'm at work...

10.5

That was my hCG level at yesterday's appointment (down from 35.8, one week earlier). I have to go get stabbed again next week. And the nurse told me that there is nothing like it halving every 48 hours- it doubles every 48 hours when you become pregnant, but it doesn't go away that fast. Bummer! It's not that I mind the blood draw so much any more- I'm getting to be quite a trooper about it (although I still insist on lying down as they do it). I just wanted the closure of being done with this too. It would have been nice for all of the unpleasantness to be contained within the month of April. I'm so excited about this month ending that I feel like staying up until midnight just to see it go! I really am feeling fine- other than a general lethargy and crabbiness that will likely go away once I start eating better and exercising regularly (this will begin on May 13th after grades are in!)

I started reading a book on miscarriage- but it isn't a self-help type of book. It's an academic book written by an Anthropologist who experienced SEVEN miscarriages of her own (I cannot even imagine). She writes about the influence of culture on women's experiences of miscarriage and it sounds really interesting so far. I love the title too: Motherhood Lost. Am I a nerdy academic or what? I deal with my own loss by reading an academic book!

I will also be celebrating the arrival of May tomorrow by going to lunch and visiting the closest Lush Store with a friend (who also teaches MWF). I got some advice about Lush products for rosacea from the Lush Forums (what a great place to waste time and be tempted to spend even MORE money!) One of the products is refrigerated, so you can't buy it online (at least not in the U.S.)

Good bye, April 2008. You will not be missed.

Plan? What plan?

As much as I consider myself a "planner", I have never really done much long-term planning- personally or professionally. I just read ScienceWoman's post about her initial career and life goals and thought about how I never really had a plan. I didn't decide to continue through PhD until I was almost finished with my Masters. I never planned to have children (or imagined I would find someone I wanted to marry and vice versa), but I got pregnant during my second year of PhD and married H a few months later. Despite my lack of "a plan", things have turned out amazing well: I am happily married as we approach our 9th anniversary this summer, I have a happy, healthy eight-year-old daughter, and I have just gotten tenure. I really can't complain (not that I don't!). 

I am at an interesting point in my life now, though. I feel like this year has been a bit of a wash in some ways- the post-tenure-submission slow-down (OK- slack-off is a more fitting term) that has caused me to take things a little too easy, for one. I feel like I need to make some big decisions about my future. I have plenty of research ideas and current work going on (with the Big Grant), so it's not that I am sitting around with nothing with do. I do wonder which direction I should head with my research, though. I wonder if my future work will be enough to eventually be promoted to full professor, too. It seems that requirements for promotion and tenure only go up and I wonder if I am up to the task. 

The other big decision is personal. After my recent miscarriage, we have to reconsider our whole plan to expand our family. Since this is so fresh, I'm still sorting through my feelings about it, but also considering what we will do over the next few months. Will we try again? Should we? I can't help but feel that maybe we should take it as a sign that we're done with kids. I also kind of hate to accept defeat. Since D was born and H got his first tenure-track job, we've let our careers drive our personal plans. Now that we both have tenure, we feel free to plan our personal lives without worrying about how it might affect our ability to get tenure. This is what drove us to try for the baby that we just lost, but now we feel obliged to reconsider. We have been content being parents of an only child, but have always talked about maybe having another. As I creep closer to 40, we know that time is running short on that option. 

I am happy with my life so far, so my lack of goals and planning doesn't seem to have hurt me too much. Maybe NOT having a plan about my future will be OK, too. 

scientiae carnival

Not a productive day so far...

I had my follow-up appointment this morning and was late because of this:

Yes- that is a train off in the distance. It was barely moving. It was blocking most of the roads in town (the tracks runs NW-SE through the middle of town). 

They poked another hole in my arm (and it bruised this time) so that they can check my hCG levels. I have to get it checked once a week to make sure it goes to zero. I also have to decide whether do any other testing to see if I am at risk of another miscarriage because of underlying health problems. They did a full blood count when I was first pregnant and it was all good, but there are other things to check for. The midwife said that they don't usually do those with "just one" miscarriage, but I could elect to do them anyway. I left feeling a little depressed, because I don't know for sure (and will never know) if the miscarriage was caused by a defect or a hormonal problem. If I do get pregnant again, they will be monitoring my hormones very closely to see if I need supplementation. This just threw me, because it means that MAYBE the baby was fine and it was my hormones that ended it. I went back to my usual thinking that I am too old now* and should not even try again. I'm sure I'll continue to go back and forth about it- until we do try or I just keep wondering. I still haven't cried since Thursday, so I am feeling pretty much like my normal self again. I have managed to do NO work today. I have vacuumed out my car and washed the floor mats, but that's about it. I still have two hours until D comes home, so I guess I better go get some things done. 

*I know that LOTS of women have babies in the their 40s, but maybe MY body is too old.

Southern California is Burning

I am feeling homesick for a place I left over 10 years ago. Large parts of San Diego County are burning and it makes me sad. I'm not wishing that I was there to lose a home (or worse), but I feel a strong attachment to San Diego, especially when there are fires. Most of my research has focused on wildfire- from my Master's thesis to dissertation to more recent work. Every time I hear about a big fire out west, it reminds me that I am out of loop. I don't live out there any more. I don't do research out there any more. And it makes me sad. I emailed a friend from grad school today to see if he had heard about the fires yet, and his reaction was "I have done field work in every site shown in these maps. It makes me want to get down there!" I feel exactly the same way! In 2003, most of my Master's thesis study area burned to the ground and I felt strange to be here in the deciduous forest and corn fields of the Midwest. I guess I just feel displaced. The Grant will take my research in a completely different direction (i.e, NOT fire) and I am excited about it. But I am also sad to get away from my first love- the research that got me through graduate school after piquing my interest as an undergrad (especially when a family I babysat for lost their house in a Southern California wildfire). I visited their neighborhood shortly after they let people back in and it was truly shocking to see the burned out houses and cars.

Now, I know that some of you will comment and suggest that I collaborate with some researchers out west and start some work out there, but I have not found that to be an easy thing to do. I don't really have any good connections left out there AND there are plenty of other things I would like to do in THIS part of the country, too. It's just that fire is not going to be one of them. Sigh. I'll just go back to checking online maps and images to see just how bad it is- and it sounds pretty awful- last I heard they are estimating 500,000 people being evacuated in So Cal. My thoughts are with them- I hope they stay safe.