10 Years Ago Today

I only have one story when it comes to overcoming challenges in my career, because for the most part, I have been extremely lucky. I don't have tales of long separations from my husband because of the two body problem, because we were only apart for a few months when we were first married. Those times were not easy, but it was short. I have also been lucky to not to be touched by tragedy in my personal life. My story is different, because nothing bad actually happened to me- it was a challenging and tough time, but the outcome was a very good one.

During my second year as a PhD student, I made plans to finish my required coursework, take (& hopefully pass) my written and oral exams and reach the status of ABD. In fact, when I was out for New Year's Eve and it turned 1999, I yelled "This is the year that I will be ABD!" That much was true, but a lot of other things changed in 1999. In 1998, I had worked in a department outside of my own for my research assistantship and had met some new people in that department. One of those people was H. We had talked in the computer lab a few times and agreed that we should go out to lunch some time (with other grad students).

We started dating in early 1999 and on March 8th (10 years ago today!), I found out I was pregnant*. We decided that we should have the baby and H even suggested getting married. When we shared the news with friends and family, everyone was shocked. My mother stopped speaking to me and sent a nasty email accusing me of having unprotected sex. Her reaction seemed more fit for a pregnant 17-year-old than a 28-year-old PhD student, and she even called my dad**, who proceeded to call me and leave a message- which I didn't return for weeks, because I knew he had nothing good to say. Why all the hoopla? Well, maybe I forgot to mention that H is black- and (to make matters worse in their eyes) actually from Africa! What could be more scandalous?! I even had a good friend from high school who told me to be careful because H might just be using me to get citizenship.

Wow. Was I feeling supported by my family! During all of this, I started having morning sickness (at a conference & during my morning classes) and by April I was taking my written exams. Four of the five were take-home-and-write-over-two-days kind of exams and during one of them, H got a tenure track job offer at a U that was almost 2000 miles away. I also threw out my neck at this point and it was excruciatingly painful to even lift my left arm (and no ibuprofen for me, either). Once we settled on H taking the job and me staying behind for the first year so that I could finish my proposal and have this baby, things calmed down a bit. I finally called my dad back, who alternated between telling me that "they're a different breed of people" and "I'm sure they treat their women really well"*** and "you're still in the honeymoon period and not making rational decisions". I was so glad to have that phone call over with. We haven't spoken since.

I passed my writtens, although one was not what the committee member had wanted, and my oral exam was scheduled for early May. I was still hanging in there with my classes and everything and H and I looked for a house to rent for the next year so that we would have more room for the baby. My oral exam lasted three hours and when I finally was told to leave the room, the discussion went on for quite a while. I was later told that one of my committee members said "Addy doesn't seem very excited about her research." He didn't know I was pregnant at the time. The truth is that I was so tired by the end of that oral exam, I just wanted to be finished! I passed, so it was all OK, but had no family members to call and share the good news with. To be fair, my brother was still talking to me, although he was in shock about everything, and my stepdad was always supportive. He told me that my mom would come around- which she eventually did. 

We got married that summer- just a few weeks before H moved to Bible Belt State. My mother-in-law came from Very Distant Country to be at the wedding (at the court house), as did H's brother (who was living in the Midwest), and some of my very excellent friends from Adopted Home State. We had a party/reception at a friend's house and it was very nice. When it came time for H to move across the country, I drove with him in a rented cargo van (I was 6 months pregnant at the time) and flew back alone. Before he left, my stepdad flew in for just one day so that he could meet H. My mom had started speaking to me again and I went for a visit over Labor Day (and she threw a surprise baby shower- the only one I had). 

When D made her appearance (almost three weeks early), H was almost 2000 miles away and he didn't get to meet her until a week later (the same day that he also met my mom, her husband, and my grandma). He likes to tell D that he met at the Circle K, because it was where the airport bus dropped him off and I had brought her with me to pick him up. He was able to stay for 10 days, then went back for about six weeks, and came home at Christmas break- we've been together ever since, since I decided to just move in January instead of staying until May. I was very lucky to get a three year fellowship that started the fall that D was born, so I never worked until I got my job here at Small College Town U. I was able to stay at home with D, while finishing my dissertation. I defended in June 2002 and we moved here in July. 

Now ten years have passed since that fateful day that I went for a follow-up appointment and they thought I should take a pregnancy test. It was surreal when the nurse came back in and told me that it was positive. I was just stunned. Things have worked out amazingly well for us and I consider myself extremely lucky. Even when my family wasn't supporting me, I had H and some wonderful friends (including the three friends who were at D's birth!) to keep me going. 

*We had a contraceptive mishap early on and I had taken the morning after pill, so this came a real shock to us both!
**My parents divorced in 1977 and don't speak to each other.
***Ironic comment coming from someone who was physically abusive to my mother.

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Plan? What plan?

As much as I consider myself a "planner", I have never really done much long-term planning- personally or professionally. I just read ScienceWoman's post about her initial career and life goals and thought about how I never really had a plan. I didn't decide to continue through PhD until I was almost finished with my Masters. I never planned to have children (or imagined I would find someone I wanted to marry and vice versa), but I got pregnant during my second year of PhD and married H a few months later. Despite my lack of "a plan", things have turned out amazing well: I am happily married as we approach our 9th anniversary this summer, I have a happy, healthy eight-year-old daughter, and I have just gotten tenure. I really can't complain (not that I don't!). 

I am at an interesting point in my life now, though. I feel like this year has been a bit of a wash in some ways- the post-tenure-submission slow-down (OK- slack-off is a more fitting term) that has caused me to take things a little too easy, for one. I feel like I need to make some big decisions about my future. I have plenty of research ideas and current work going on (with the Big Grant), so it's not that I am sitting around with nothing with do. I do wonder which direction I should head with my research, though. I wonder if my future work will be enough to eventually be promoted to full professor, too. It seems that requirements for promotion and tenure only go up and I wonder if I am up to the task. 

The other big decision is personal. After my recent miscarriage, we have to reconsider our whole plan to expand our family. Since this is so fresh, I'm still sorting through my feelings about it, but also considering what we will do over the next few months. Will we try again? Should we? I can't help but feel that maybe we should take it as a sign that we're done with kids. I also kind of hate to accept defeat. Since D was born and H got his first tenure-track job, we've let our careers drive our personal plans. Now that we both have tenure, we feel free to plan our personal lives without worrying about how it might affect our ability to get tenure. This is what drove us to try for the baby that we just lost, but now we feel obliged to reconsider. We have been content being parents of an only child, but have always talked about maybe having another. As I creep closer to 40, we know that time is running short on that option. 

I am happy with my life so far, so my lack of goals and planning doesn't seem to have hurt me too much. Maybe NOT having a plan about my future will be OK, too. 

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Foolishly causing myself stress

So every spring, I do this to myself. If you've read my previous post, you can see that I have an overwhelming amount of work to complete in the next week. Every fall when the call for abstracts go out, I ambitiously write mine with big plans of what I will have accomplished six months later. This year was no exception. Small conference in driving-distance city? Yes- I'll do a talk- no need to do a poster! My RAs and I will have lots of results by then. Giant conference that I hate to miss? Sure- I'll submit to an organized session that could fit my in-progress research! Now that these conferences are looming, I am frantically trying to finish analysis and prepare my talks- on top of the other things that are coming up- like two Master's defenses next week. And a poster session for the undergraduate advisee I agreed to take on (without really knowing what would be involved). 

So, here I sit in my usual stressed out state for this time of year- working all weekend to get things done in time. And I just got tenure! I should be feeling relieved (which I am about that). All I know is that next year I will take a break from conferences- maybe I won't go to any! I just wish I had decided to skip one or do a poster for one of them. I was just a little too foolishly ambitious about things last fall and I'm paying for it now! sigh

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Women, family, & academia

I am feeling compelled to revisit a topic that I have written about before.  But first, let me share some recent blog-reading I've done. I recently sent an (unpublished) response to Rate Your Students regarding this post. Go read it....

Here is my response:

I'm sure you will get plenty of responses to the Sour Leprechaun, but I couldn't resist putting in my own two cents. He has tried to counter most of the typical arguments to his point, but as I read his post, I thought about some of the other similar posts that have told us all to 'quit our whining' because we have the best jobs in the universe. Most of the time, I agree- I love my job and wouldn't want to do anything else (well, most days). However, he has lost sight of the point of this blog- it a place to vent about our students, since they get to vent about us all over the web (MySpace, Facebook, the site that shall rename nameless). Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't recall reading any 'quit your whining' posts that were written by women. They seem to come from tenured, male (I would guess white) faculty, who are never called 'Mrs. Smith' by their students or had their credentials challenged because they are foreign or have dark skin. I would also suspect that the 'quit your whining' crowd are married to women who are not academics. Maybe these white, male faculty have never felt discriminated against by the administration (or department chair) because of their gender or race, but they should consider that there are others who have more crap to deal with because they are not white men.

Then, today Mommy/Prof had a comment on this Chronicle First Person column. I commented over there that "I was at a lunch the other day, when a fellow academic woman noted that she didn't know any female academics with more than two kids."

I just wanted to bring all of these things together because there are some important themes, here.  As I'm sure all of the newer mom blogger-academics can attest- it is really hard having a baby on the tenure track. Now, I can't claim to know this in the same way that these women do, because my daughter was born during my PhD (a week after I defended my dissertation proposal). I had my own struggles with this timing, but I never had to go teach a class when she was a baby, or pump breastmilk in my office, or even put her daycare until she was almost two. I know that many academic fathers are much more involved with their kids than dads a generation ago, but I think that a greater burden still falls on the mothers- especially when they are infants and moms are still nursing.  I can sympathize with the man in the Chronicle column on some level- and he does sound very involved in his family life and taking care of his kids. However, like many male academics, I would bet that his wife still takes on the majority of domestic and childcare duties- and that is fine, if that is the arrangement that they have made as a family- I am NOT criticizing that situation. I just wanted to touch on the idea that women academics with children have different struggles than male academics with children.  Do any of you have experiences with this? Are there any dads that would beg to differ? I am in a dual-academic marriage and know how things are for us (and I am not suggesting they are bad, or anything, btw!), but I would be curious to hear other points of view- especially in view of these links I've posted above.  Have we really made strides in gender equality in academe? I would say "no", but would love to hear from others.

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Talking myself into (and out of) things

Those of you who've been visiting this blog for a while know that I have a tendency to 'jump the gun'. Remember the job search last spring? I had resigned myself to not getting an offer... then I did. I ended up turning it down, but I did actually get the offer (unfortunately, it wasn't feasible for many reasons). Even when I was just applying, I checked the housing in the area on realtor.com. I imagined how we would transport our cars and 14-year-old cat across the country during the summer when we moved back out west. Of course, none of that happened.

So why do I convince myself that I know the outcome of things (which are beyond my control) BEFORE they are revealed to me? I really have no idea, except that it is the way I mentally prepare. I cannot even fathom NOT planning out these possible scenarios. I have to imagine myself in the new situation before it happens (or doesn't). I think most of it has to do with my control-freak nature. I feel like if I have a plan and know what MIGHT happen, then I still have some control over the situation and everything will be alright. I am currently doing the same thing, because I am waiting to hear about tenure (and will hear from the Dean THIS WEEK!). I am checking job ads in case things go well (and I can apply for associate jobs). I am checking in case, I am turned down, but H gets tenure (I actually don't have a good plan for this one yet). I am checking in case I get tenure and he doesn't (then he can leave academia and I will apply for associate jobs). Or if we are both turned down and I am back looking for assistant prof jobs. This level of uncertainty really drives me crazy. I can't DO anything about tenure at this point, so I watch the schedule that was published at the beginning of the year and guess what might be happening- I did the same thing with job searches last year. I talk to H about these things and he thinks I am crazy. I am counting my chickens before they hatch. I really don't know how to function any other way and it hasn't really caused me problems, either, I suppose. It's just my M.O. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go WAIT to hear some more!!!

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Unleashing about the first week back.

I expected to write a rant for the "unleash" theme of the September scientiae carnival, but surprisingly enough- after teaching my classes this week, I have some positive things to unleash about:

1. I am so unbelievably thrilled that I am NOT teaching my big freshmen class with multiple lab sections this semester! Hooray! Hallelujah! Woo hoo! It's such a treat to teach only classes that students are actually (at least somewhat) interested in. I also had crappy evaluations in that class last semester, so the break will give me a chance to get over the bitterness of that. (also remember this: that was my semester of three job interviews and two conferences and I tried to make the class more interactive and used a new book!)
2. I am teaching two upper-level classes: one small (<10) and one medium (<30). They are both on subjects that interest me and I have taught both of them before. Did I mention that I am not missing those freshmen?
   
3. I have TWO research projects getting underway- one is The Big Grant, the other is an internal project that I was asked to contribute to. I am supervising one grad assistant this semester and will have two in the spring. This is a first for me, as I've only had TAs in the past. Just yesterday, I realized how completely awesome it is to have a grad student doing a lot of the computer work that I would usually be doing myself. He does some work, checks in with questions, we resolve issues, he goes back and does some more. I hadn't considered what a huge time saver this is!
   
4. I am going up for tenure! I should be saying "arrgghhhh!", right? As I mentioned in an earlier post, it's all done. My current accomplishments are what will be used to evaluate my performance, so all I can do now is wait. I shouldn't have anything to worry about, but I am not assuming anything or taking anything for granted. There is still a sense of relief that the frantic part is over, though.

The only obligation left for this week is a faculty meeting. I may more to unleash about after that- stay tuned!


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On the verge of tenure...

Well, the time has finally arrived. I am going up for tenure. Like now. My final dossier is due to my department promotion and tenure committee this week. My external letters are due back in the next couple of weeks. The semester is about to start. Am I freaking out? Actually, I'm not- and that's the strange thing. I don't mean that I am not worried about making it through the process, but I have a vague feeling of calm because I've already done everything that I can do. It's out of my hands. If I'm not good enough, it's too late to do anything about it now. I feel good about my prospects, though: I have had positive annual reviews. Any requests for additional publications have been met. My teaching is good (good enough, anyway, although I'll never win a teaching award). My service is good. And to top it all off, I just got that grant over the summer- which is totally beyond any requirements for tenure in my department (we have no requirements for external funding). So, that's it, then.

I had always thought that this semester would be stressful, and I guess that waiting to hear will be driving me crazy, but it's not like the rushing around trying to get one more paper published or get that grant proposal written. It will be a semester of waiting to hear if I've passed to the next level in the hierarchy. By Christmas, I will know my fate. If all goes well, I will be the second woman to earn tenure in my department. Ever. I will also no longer be fearful of pissing people off- although I've never let rule my life now (I hope that hasn't been a mistake!) I'll get to move out of the rank of "junior faculty". If I don't make it, I'll be back on the job market. I'm keeping my eyes peeled even now, in case there are Associate jobs that open up- just to keep my options open. I am not assuming anything or taking anything for granted.

So what do I do now? I have classes to plan for, two research projects to get underway. Grad students to recruit. If anything, this is where the pressure will be from. I have research responsibilities like I've never had before and I want to do a good job. I don't want to let people down.

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Scientiae #7

The latest Scientiae Carnival (on women in science, technology, engineering, & math) is up over at FemaleCSGradStudent's place. Check it out! My contribution is here.

Being taken seriously.

I just read Elli's post about wanting to feel like a "real" scientist and it really hit home for me. Her situation is quite different than mine- she is just starting graduate school and I am beginning the process for tenure. However, I still feel that I struggle to be taken seriously and to be seen as a "real" scientist. I am almost 37 years old, yet am frequently mistaken for a graduate student. While, I do enjoy looking young, it can also be a disadvantage.

I was recently introduced to a professor emeritus in another department and he asked "are you a grad student?" My colleague had introduced me as someone he was collaborating with, yet I was still assumed to be a student. At a conference I recently attended, I was mistaken for a grad student by current grad students! The frequency of this misidentification has recently caused me to question other aspects of myself: Do I come across as unprofessional? Does my work seem too basic? I try to convince myself that it's just my "youthful appearance", but can't help but wonder.

The other issue that I face is that I am in a discipline where some people are social scientists and others are natural scientists. While my social science colleagues no doubt see me as a scientist, there are others who do not. My research has always been scientific, but I do occasionally feel like a "second class" scientist.

To address the scientiae carnival theme of "how we are hungry", I'd have to say that I am hungry to be taken seriously: in my discipline, in my university, in my college, and even in my own department. I am in a technical, natural science part of my discipline in a male-dominated department, so this is often a tall order. I have to wonder if things will change when I get tenure? Given the experiences of my female senior colleagues, I have to doubt it. Which brings me to my final point: If I were male, would I have these same problems?



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Academic Dishonesty & Co-Dependent “Kids”

I had a case of plagiarism this semester in my freshman general education science course. I reported the incident to my department chair and the student was notified. S/he immediately called his/her parents, who called my chair AT HOME. It turns out the student was supposed to be graduating. I don’t get many seniors in my class- just those that put off the requirement until they need it to graduate. The student was also barely passing the class before the assignment was graded. What this all boils down to, is that the plagiarism decision also decided the student’s ability to pass the course. As you can imagine, the meeting was not pleasant, but the final decision was that the student was to be held accountable for submitting someone’s work as his/her own. I’m left feeling anything but vindicated and the entire process was an ordeal (no wonder people don’t bother to report it).

However, I have larger concerns about the process and outcome in the context of academic integrity. During the meeting with the student (at which the parents spoke more than the student), it became clear that neither the student, nor the parents were willing to accept that the student had intentionally done anything wrong. I’m sure they are still convinced of this, despite the chair’s decision. The student pays the penalty of failing the assignment, but has s/he learned from this? Is s/he less likely to be dishonest in the future? When the perpetrator plays victim it seems unlikely for the experience to be a learning one.

Another aspect of this case is the “pleading ignorance” defense (which I did not buy, since the student was a senior). Give me a break! The student knows what s/he did and that it was wrong, but again, what will s/he learn from it? S/he sabotaged his/her own graduation from college, but the family had no problem blaming me, as the course instructor- again they are the victims of my cruel plot. I’m very disturbed by the turn of events: the total lack of responsibility for one’s own actions, the reliance on parental intervention (with one parent even referring to him/her as a CHILD- your “child” is at least 21 years old!), the dishonesty to plagiarize in the first place…. It’s a sad state of affairs. I think when I was college, my mom once offered to call about something and I was mortified! I can’t imagine meeting with a professor and having my mom there to speak for me. Get some distance from mommy and daddy and get your act together.

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Doomed to Small College Town?

As the semester's end draws near*, I feel a bit like reflecting on the academic year. I go up for tenure in the fall** and should be in good shape, but I still need to develop my list of external reviewers and revise my dossier in the next couple of months. As I approach this process, I have mixed feelings about some things. Do I want to spend the rest of my career here? The thought of being tenured is VERY appealing, but do I want to spend the next 20 years or so with these people? In this town? There are certainly worse things, but it's also not anything that I am excited about.

I sometimes wonder if I have a 5-year itch. I haven't lived in any one place for more than 5 years since I moved from my first home town at age 10. I lived in Junior High Midwest Suburb for 2.5 years, then 5 years in West Coast High School Suburb Place, then 4.5 years at Party School College Town, 4 years in Master's City, 2.5 years in PhD City, 2.5 years in LD-Diss Town, and now I've been in Small College Town for almost 5 years. Would I feel the same way about any place I had gotten a tenure-track job? I sometimes wonder. But, I also think that I wouldn't mind the annoying things about my job (as much) if we lived somewhere we really liked (like near my family or somewhere with great weather). Maybe we would still be fed up- I don't know. Of course, there is always the possibility of NOT getting tenure and having to leave. Would Small College Town look better if I couldn't stay?

There are actually some pretty good things going on for next fall here. I get a course release to do some research with a grad student who I already know and is hard-working. There are students interested in taking my upper-level classes in the fall. There's a good chance that I will get a smallish grant with a colleague I work well with. There are also still the annoying things & department politics.

So is it just the 5-year itch or am I really dissatisfied?

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*We actually have 4 more weeks, but I will be gone for two of them AND it's so warm outside it feels like it's almost summer!
**Unless another job pans out, which is unlikely but not totally out of the realm of possibility.