More reflections on *the* grant

I hope that am not making my blog boring by only talking about this grant, but I am still coming to terms with what this all actually means. H doesn't think that I am acting nearly excited enough about it. He keeps calling me the "new star of the department", although only a few people have heard the news so far. I am starting to realize that it is even more significant than I first thought, too. My collaborator (who just made full professor) has had a grant from the same program, but never for this much money (almost $400K). Another colleague who has had several grants has also never had one for this much money. I was shocked to hear this and assumed that they routinely received grants in the half million range, but apparently I was mistaken. Of course, the kind of research I do requires more money, so that is probably the biggest factor in the dollar amount.

I had a phone conversation with my collaborator yesterday and he told me that we need to make this project a priority and not expend a lot of time and effort pursuing other projects for the next few years. Once he said that, I knew he was right, but I hadn't really thought of it that way. Now I really need to finish this paper and get it submitted before the grant officially kicks in.

I've been through the grant proposal process MANY times in the last five years, so I am familiar with the procedures and paperwork. All of the procedures and paperwork for an award are new to me. I'm glad my colleague is the PI and has already dealt with the forms and bureaucracy of this agency! We're also scrambling to revise our budget since they didn't award the entire amount we requested (although it's 95% of what we asked for).

A colleague (who is on the P&T committee) shook my hand and said that I had guaranteed myself tenure. Really? I guess it would be ridiculous of them to dump me after I've gotten a big grant (which isn't even required for tenure in my non-PhD department), but I never really thought of it that way.

The other side of all this is that this also puts a LOT of pressure on me. I am in charge of significant parts of the project, I need to recruit a graduate student, purchase large quantities of expensive data, carry out the research, and get published. I am excited about this and don't feel that I've gotten in over my head, but I am also a bit freaked out about it. I should have lots of blog-fodder for the next few years as I struggle through all of this. It should be great- I am excited about the research and I'm going to be working with some great people.

I think I should go update my CV for my web page!

Does this f---ing university actually want us to publish?

Greetings! If you reached this post from Inside Higher Ed, please take a look around. Browse my Posts of Substance (on the right). Look in my archives. Not all of my posts are bitch-and-moan sessions like this one. Cheers!

I had a co-authored paper accepted a while back (I'm second author) and we got the proofs the other day along with the page charges. My U has a process to obtain money to "cover" publication costs. We are limited to $500 per year. My co-author and I (in the same department) thought we could contribute $500 each to the charges for the paper (which are just over $1000). Our admin assistant checked to see whether we needed two forms and this is the email I just got from her:

I spoke w/[research office person] to check if we needed to do 2 applications or how it worked. S/he said that $500 is the maximum for the paper. S/he could split the $500 between the two of you and you both would have $250 left to use towards the next reprint or the total $500 could go towards one of you, and one of you would still have $500 to use. I've also spoken with [dept. chair] about where you're supposed to get the remaining $527. S/he said the department would support each of you for $200, which leaves $127. I've checked your contingency and grant overhead accounts and Addy has $100, and [co-author] has $50. So that will cover the total. How's that sound?

This pisses me off for several reasons.

1. I have not used that alotted $500 every year (but apparently it's 'use it or lose it'),
   
2. I am SECOND author on the paper, but since my co-author used up his/her contingency money last year on OTHER page charges (so s/he's being penalized for too many pubs??), I have more to spend,
   
3. why the hell does the U have this $500 per paper limit? If we use our funds on one paper, that is our own problem,
   
4. is it reasonable to limit our funds on required activities (including how our conference travel funds cover little more than REGISTRATION at this point),
   
5. if our department can come up with $400, is another $127 really a hardship?

I am so angry right now- I have three conferences this semester and I will be paying at least part of my own expenses on every single one. Is it too much to ask my U to pay publication charges??

ETA: I wanted to follow up on ScienceWoman's and Chaser's comments about using grant money for travel, publication costs, etc. My department does not have a strong record for getting grant money (we teach five courses per year and have no PhD program). Since I came here, I have been trying to obtain grants despite this lack of mentoring and support (those of you you've read my blog for a while have heard about some of my trials and tribulations there). So far, I have not had any success, so I am left without any supplemental money for papers and travel. Every time these issues come up, I am reminded about those unfunded proposals, too.

Tech Tags: academia research publishing

Work-at-home Thursday

Did I mention how much I've been enjoying having some non-teaching days this semester? I can't believe what a difference it makes to not have to go teach a class (or two) every day of the week. I can actually get my mind to focus on other things (like research!). I can work at home without having to go into campus. I live really close to work, so it's not the distance, but rather the mindset. I taught a morning class every day last semester, so I never had a weekday to be at home and regroup. I had time after class to come home and do things, but I find that mornings are more productive for me, so the day was mostly a loss. I also don't have to come up with FIVE suitable teaching outfits every week, either. That was a real stretch for me. I mean, I could have easily worn the same five outfits every week, but I like to mix it up and dressing up every day was hard for me. I LOVE my days at home in sweats in my home office.

Today, I have some teaching prep to do, I need to read over some P&T files, and want to get some research work done- I need a more specific plan for that, though. If I just say I will work on research, I'll just go in a million directions and not get much done. My wonderful RA is trying to sort out her thesis topic right now and it's tied in with our project, so it's all connected. I'm really enjoying working with her- I wish I had more grant money to fund her for next year, too (she'll switch to a TA).

I also get to spend some time playing with my NEW MacBook Pro! I replaced my old* one with money I had from a workshop and the grant. I can't believe how much faster 4GB of RAM is- and I can add more! I just got it yesterday and am loving how fast it is. I can run a Windows XP AND a Linux virtual machine at the same time! And nothing is slow. BTW, if anyone has experience with Linux, I'd love to hear how you use it. I just installed it and haven't had much time to play around it.

D will be home this morning (at least), because they have a delay due to ice, so my morning may not be as productive as usual... Have a great Thursday, everyone!

*I bought the old one in late 2007 after getting word about tenure. It's underpowered for what I want to do with it.

5th Week Check-In

I feel like things are going well so far this semester. My classes are engaging(!), I'm making progress on some of the new research work, and I am not going too crazy yet. The absence of the freshmen-behemoth is really making my schedule manageable. Between the lab sections, TA meetings, and logistics of dealing with almost 100 students, that class is a huge time sink. My classes this semester are both upper level and most of the students seem genuinely interested in the subjects. There are some things that I am neglecting, however. I feel that pit in my stomach every time someone mentions writing. I have completely abandoned that paper at this point. I still plan to finish it, but am not feeling motivated to dig it out and get back to where I was (I know- it's bad). I am enjoying my schedule, but next week things are looking a bit busier:

pink is personal, purple is work-related

I signed up for a grant-writing workshop that starts next week. It's in the area that I had the failed proposals over the last few years, and if I submit a proposal, I will get $1000! We'll meet about 8 times over the semester, but it means I have to go to campus an extra day those weeks (I'm so spoiled, working at home, I know!) I have some mixed feelings about this right now, since I just got The Grant, but I don't think this will overextend me if I do actually get funded. There is a program with an early November deadline that I want to apply for. I could do the workshop and apply this year, but I would like have that Grand!

I also volunteered to help with D's class once a week. I'm not entirely clear what I'll be doing, but it's for their Accelerated Reader program. I'd never heard of this until D came home with a very cryptic sheet talking about ZPD scores last week. They read books and take computer-based quizzes, so I'm guessing I'll be helping with that.

A doctor's appointment this morning threw off my schedule and I not in work-mode now, either. I think I will try to get a few research things done, though, in the couple of hours I have before D gets home. Or I could go watch The Office or waste MORE time on Facebook.... No. Must. Work.

RBoC: Semester Imminent Edition

Sorry, I've been so sporadic with the blogging and not really posting much substance. While I was traveling, I didn't have much time to blog and since getting home, I am just trying to get something done before all of the students invade Small College Town again.

• I didn't finish that paper I started back in May. I am not going to finish it before my dossier is submitted, either. Nothing actually leaves my department until October, so I will be sure it is in review by then, but the distractions of summer got the best of me again. I was so productive in May when D was still in school- even when MM arrived, but by July things just started to fall apart. It's OK, though.
• I set up up my GIGANTIC (I will take a picture today) new office computer yesterday. I still need to go install all the software today. We do have a tech person to do all of this, but since I know how to do it myself and I don't want to wait for him to return from being out of town, I just went ahead. The CPU box weighed 70 pounds! I also got a 24" monitor. I couldn't afford to get a second one and I planned to keep one of my old CRTs, but there are NO drivers available for Vista, so I will have to go to a single monitor until our grant money comes in (my U bought the computer because of the grant, since we had to trim our budget)
• I did a lot of cleaning projects this summer. I cleaned out every closet in the house (guest room, our room, D's room, hall closet, pantry) and yesterday donated a ton of stuff to the Vietnam Veterans. We also cleared a lot of stuff out of our basement. We've been in this house for four years, which is the longest I've lived in the same house/apartment since high school! We still had a lot of baby stuff for D and I will still be making a trip or two to Goodwill to get rid of the rest. I used to think we might have another baby at some point, but now it doesn't really seem desirable (D is almost 8). I've also been trying to jazz up the house with some minor decorating (new curtains, throw pillows, finally replacing my college stereo cabinet from 1990!) Summer just seems like the time to do these things!

All of our crap!

New curtains (JC Penney) & throw pillows (Meijer)

• I am avoiding thinking too much about classes until I absolutely have to. I have to finish revising my dossier and get some research things organized before classes start in two weeks, so I will wait until the last minute to get syllabi in order. After classes start, I can get back to that paper that I meant to finish over the summer.

I'll post some more photos later of the monstrous tower.

On the verge of tenure...

Well, the time has finally arrived. I am going up for tenure. Like now. My final dossier is due to my department promotion and tenure committee this week. My external letters are due back in the next couple of weeks. The semester is about to start. Am I freaking out? Actually, I'm not- and that's the strange thing. I don't mean that I am not worried about making it through the process, but I have a vague feeling of calm because I've already done everything that I can do. It's out of my hands. If I'm not good enough, it's too late to do anything about it now. I feel good about my prospects, though: I have had positive annual reviews. Any requests for additional publications have been met. My teaching is good (good enough, anyway, although I'll never win a teaching award). My service is good. And to top it all off, I just got that grant over the summer- which is totally beyond any requirements for tenure in my department (we have no requirements for external funding). So, that's it, then.

I had always thought that this semester would be stressful, and I guess that waiting to hear will be driving me crazy, but it's not like the rushing around trying to get one more paper published or get that grant proposal written. It will be a semester of waiting to hear if I've passed to the next level in the hierarchy. By Christmas, I will know my fate. If all goes well, I will be the second woman to earn tenure in my department. Ever. I will also no longer be fearful of pissing people off- although I've never let rule my life now (I hope that hasn't been a mistake!) I'll get to move out of the rank of "junior faculty". If I don't make it, I'll be back on the job market. I'm keeping my eyes peeled even now, in case there are Associate jobs that open up- just to keep my options open. I am not assuming anything or taking anything for granted.

So what do I do now? I have classes to plan for, two research projects to get underway. Grad students to recruit. If anything, this is where the pressure will be from. I have research responsibilities like I've never had before and I want to do a good job. I don't want to let people down.

scientiae carnival

I'm feeling the love

Thanks to everyone for the congratulations on my totally gratuitous post below. I am feeling so pleased about the grant being funded that I want to stand on the roof and yell about it. All the nay-sayers who thought it was a waste to spend time working on proposals can just shut up, now. Of course, I'm sure that someone will think that I am just riding my colleague's coattails (which I am not, but you know how some people will criticize anything). I also wish that I could tell those Mountain U people that I would have brought three years worth of RA funding with me- damn them! We have to cut our budget (of course) and I'm reluctant to give up any summer salary (it's very little to begin with), because I need the money! Hopefully, we can trim elsewhere.

Another awesome thing about this grant is the way H is so proud of me, too. I really need to appreciate him more sometimes- he is never jealous or threatened when I succeed- he's just proud and excited for me. I'm sure there are plenty of spouses out there who would not be that way- he's just the best.

OK, I"m off to continue my laziness. I need to work on the paper tomorrow and figure out how to trim this budget! Thanks again, everyone.

One more reason that April should be over...

Dear Dr. N:

Thank you for submitting an application for the U.S. 2008 HP Technology for Teaching Grant Initiative on behalf of Small College Town University. It is with sincere regret that we must inform you that your proposal was not selected to receive a grant award. 

yada yada yada....

How life is pretty sucky at the moment

Hey, remember me? Well, I think I know a lot of you on Twitter and Facebook these days, so it's not  like I've really been out of touch, right? Well, my semester leave is officially over, but of course it's summer now, so still no teaching for me. I had a fairly productive semester, submitting a big collaborative grant proposal, attending some conferences and meetings, working with grad students- I'm advising four plus serving on other committees, so I was on campus most weeks to meet with students. I still have a PhD exam tomorrow, then that should be all wrapped up. I have a lot more I hope to accomplish this summer- especially since we're not headed to Very Distant Country this year. H will go for his grant, but D and I will stay here. I have a work trip in late July which will be welcome after all that time alone with D (H will be back by then).

However, I'm quite miserable right now. D is being treated for an eating disorder. She had been starving herself during the day, overexercising (which she is still doing), and also does some binging (exercise is her form of purging). Life in our house has been hellish. We have the same conservations/arguments/discussions about food and exercise on a daily basis. D doesn't seem to believe us- she also thinks the counselor, dietitian, and doctors are all in cahoots with me, and everyone in the world is delusional about her appearance and weight but her. Everyone who meets her tells her how beautiful she is, but she thinks she is fat, ugly, and disgusting. I can't tell you how heartbreaking this is as mother. I'm so lucky to have a smart, talented, gorgeous child, but she thinks she is totally worthless. We have never made a big thing about appearance or weight in our family, so she must have headed down this road because of kids at school or media or who knows what. It doesn't help that she is one of the only non-100%-white kids at her school, so she looks different and has a different body type, but she is not overweight and never has been.

I've been told it takes a long time to get over an eating disorder, but I am feeling so hopeless about it right now. She doesn't care about ANYTHING else any more- not her friends, not reading (which she used to LOVE), not school (her grades have dropped this year). I've been trying to get her into some fun summer activities, but she only worries how that will cut into her exercise schedule. And I don't know how I'll keep her from exercising all day long once she's out of school. I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, like there is nothing to look forward to now. Things I love to do- like cooking and baking- make me worry that I'll encourage her binging. Going places or going out to eat are a struggle because she wants to know how many calories are in things and how soon we'll be home so can exercise.

Being away from campus this semester also reminded me that I don't have any close friends any more. I don't know anyone who calls me or that I call or share things with. One of D's friend's moms contacted me recently about the eating disorder since her daughter told her about it. I ran into her at the grocery store and we had a nice talk, but I can't imagine actually calling her just to talk. She's busy with two kids and her work and friends, so who am I to impose on her time? I used to think I had some good friends at work, but I haven't heard a peep from them since I'm not on campus this semester. It's fine really, since I think I shouldn't get so close to people at work who are involved in all the political crap there, anyway. The time that having no close friends becomes a problem is a day like tomorrow. H and I are on a committee together and the exam goes until after it's time to pick up D from school. I don't have anyone I can ask! I've tried arranging rides with a friend but it never seems to work out and we're not on anyone's way home either. I was going to have D ride the bus home, but with her fragile mental state, I don't want her getting off the bus alone. The plan now is for her to stay and wait and school and we'll get there as soon as we can. Sucks.

So comfy on the couch.

The only bright side is that we recently got a new cat after 15 months of being a catless home! She's almost 8 and was at a shelter near here. She's very sweet and much more friendly and outgoing than Green Eyes was. I even think H likes her better- he really didn't want another cat! I need a good blog name for her instead of her actual name.

Anyway, I'll try to blog more this summer. I'll have a research student in again this year and hope to get some research and teaching planning done. March and April were crazy with proposal writing, traveling, and grad students, but now I can't seem to do anything. I need to get organized, make a plan, set goals, and get my shit together. Summer has never been a productive time for me, but every year I try to do better.

Hope everyone out there in blogland is doing well!

Getting out of the post-tenure slump

I know- you'll cry me a river for the pity you feel for me- being a tenured professor and all- it's so sad, right? Well, it certainly is anti-climactic- the same way that defending your dissertation is anti-climactic. Don't get me wrong- I am THRILLED to have tenure and to have gotten the big raise before all of the economic downturn crap. BUT, I have been in a professional funk this semester. I can't seem to push myself to be productive. I am doing small things here and there for the grant, but I mostly feel in limbo. Part of it is that we are waiting to get some more data- then there will be more to do in that respect- but there are still other things I could do. I also have some other projects that need finishing- including the one I plan to finish for InaDWriMo. It's a paper I started (and almost finished writing) summer 2007 and then essentially dropped when I got news of our grant being funded. The paper is mostly written, so it is ridiculous that I have not finished it and submitted it. 

Then, there's a project H and I started with a summer research student that we never finished. I think we tried to do too much in the short time we had and as a result need to do more analysis to really be able to finish the paper. I also had a paper in review from a student thesis. The student is notorious for being AWOL- he had graduated and left, but we don't even know where he is (we have an email address). He emailed to tell us that the paper was rejected, but did not send the reviews. We have to get the reviews from him, since he's the corresponding author, but have not heard back since requesting them (I think I'll go email him after this). I have another paper (I am like 4th author) from another student thesis that is being revised for resubmission, too. It just seems like this semester, all I can manage is to catch up on teaching stuff. Next semester will be worse, because I am teaching the big freshman class again (with a new book- why do I always decide to do that?) and modifying my other course, too. 

I am hoping to get out of this slump/funk/laziness/whatever soon. I still love research and have exciting things to do, but am just lagging right now. I feel really guilty when ever I read profgrrrrl, too- she was also just tenured and is pregnant, too! If anyone has reason to slack off, it should be her, but she sounds like she is getting stuff done. Maybe the impending arrival is motivation to do work now, while she can? Anyway- I have no excuse. I have a lot of grading coming up this week (a lab exam, first draft papers, etc.), but I also have my Tuesday/Thursday work-at-home days this week.  I am not writing this post to beat myself, but more to try to make myself accountable. I'll let you know how things go. Maybe I can get some grading this weekend and have more time during the week for research.

If I am going to get tenure, why am I so stressed out? (updated)

We started classes yesterday, which meant that I was at work at 7:30 (I'm teaching an 8:00AM class this semester). One big advantage of this is that I got an AWESOME parking space. Another is that my class is not full (they all scrambled to get into the other section taught by my colleague that is offered twice a week and later than 8!) I ended up staying in the office until 5:00, then had to go out again later for another meeting, so I was wiped out last night. It felt good to "sleep in" today, but I need to get a bunch of non-teaching work done today (my work-at-home day). OK, here's my to-do list:

• make semester schedule for Big Grant, so that I can assign work to my RAs tomorrow done 10:15 a.m.
• work on some data pre-processing that has become the bane of my existence- I don't know why I can't seem to get it finished. And I have to do it myself, because it's too complicated for my RAs to handle- we tried that. If I had PhD students that would be a different story, but we're a Master's only program.
• work on grant proposal that I started before our trip to CA- it's due in a month, and not too terribly long, but I'm feeling panicked that it's just sitting there right now.
• read grad student internship report for Friday's defense (may put this off until Thursday)
• read grad student thesis chapter ASAP
• walk on the treadmill for 45+ minutes (I actually spent about two hours cleaning D's MESSY closet, which involved carting many loads of toys down to the basement. It was more strenuous than my walks usually are!)

Wow. I actually feel better seeing it in a list, than I did when it was a blob of stress in my brain. The research stuff is stressing me out, because I feel pressure to not let anyone down. I want to the work to be good, but I am also pushing a lot of things to my RAs. They are good students, but don't have tons of experience doing this kind of work, so I need to keep them on the right track. I am also chairing a search committee. I started reading files yesterday and am optimistic that we have some good applicants. Our first meeting is next week.

I met both of my classes yesterday and think that they should be fine. I am testing out student response devices ("clickers") this semester, so it should be interesting. I made it a big part of their grade, so it should be interesting... My upper-level technical class is 85% male- and I don't know any of them, which is weird. I hope they aren't trouble-makers!

Alright- I better start tackling that to-do list. I'll update when I finish things (I know you'll be dying to know what I'm doing all day!)

RBoC: Midsummer Edition

I have been reading blogs and leaving comments around, but haven't managed to write my own post for a while. Because I have so many different thoughts floating around, here are a few bullets:

• the grant The initial excitement has worn off, but I am still quite happy about the grant and the research that I will be doing over the next few years. The thing I'm not so pleased with is the reaction from my colleagues. I am about to go up for tenure, but only one person mentioned that this will help me. An announcement went out by email to the other faculty (as we always do when someone gets published, gets an award, etc.). I received congratulations from a few people, but haven't heard a peep from others- including someone who I thought was sort of a mentor. My department does not have a history of getting grants- especially bigs ones, like the one I got- so maybe that explains the silence. One colleague also commented that I must be pleased. Of course, I am , but is s/he forgetting that this is also good for the whole department? I have funding for a grad assistant for the duration of the project, so you'd think that people would be happy about that. I have been enjoying spending other people's money on things like a new computer, so it's all good. The sour grapes crowd can just go away.
• shopping We are enjoying our new car and it seems to have put us in a spending mood. For instance, why would I rather browse the handbags at ebags.com than do some work this morning?
• my mother-in-law is back on Very Distant Country. We have a vague plan to visit her next summer (my first trip there), but we have to be sure that things are on track for tenure first. Of course, we probably should have waited to buy a car, too, but it's too late now!
• cars Since the new car is so shiny and nice, we had the old car detailed and it's going for it's 60K mile service today. It will be sitting in the garage more, now that our new car is the main transportation. I love the gas mileage on the new car, but the A/C is dragging it down. We've averaged about 43 mpg with the current tank of gas (we've driven over 350 miles and it's still above 1/4 tank). It's rated better than that and when H drove it alone and with no A/C the other day, he averaged 56 mpg on a 50-mile trip! I can't wait to see how it does our road trip in a couple of weeks!
  
• kids I've been really intrigued by the conversation going around the blogosphere about kids and having or not having them. I'm sure I could fill up a post on the subject, but I will just reiterate what I left in a comment over at Seeking Solace's blog. I do not consider myself a baby/kid person, yet I have a child. I love her dearly and don't feel that I lack mothering instincts, but I am still not terribly interested in most other people's kids. I'm not into hanging out with the other moms, either. I often wonder if I would be parent at all if D hadn't decided to show up herself (and she was quite determined to be here- as those who know me in real life are quite aware!). It's always interesting to hear perspectives of those who do and don't have kids. I don't know if I'm more or less understanding of people with small children than I was before I had a daughter. Sometimes, I think I'm MORE annoyed my bratty kids, because mine isn't like that!
• summer research I have tons to do and as usually happens in the summer, I'm having trouble focusing. There are so many things to do in the summer (like take cars for service and buying new kitchen faucets) that seem impossible during the semester. In May I was focused and wrote quite a bit, but since D got out of school, I've been distracted- and it isn't her fault- she's been playing at the neighbor's house very morning, so I have no excuse! This is probably why I haven't been blogging lately- I don't feel like I am allowed to spend time writing a blog post when I have other things that need to get finished (including my revised final dossier).
  
• teaching evaluations I just got my spring evaluations back and they were atrocious (for my freshmen class). My first reaction was "those little fuckers!" I hated them all semester- maybe they could tell! I'm sure my traveling didn't help- I was gone the two weeks before the last week, plus the earlier interview trip in February. BUT- I used a new textbook and completely re-vamped the course from the last time I had taught it. One asshole even had the nerve to say that I am "an embarrassment to Small College Town U"- as if he's in any position to make that assessment. I don't take those remarks personally, but they piss me off. The students were pissed because I didn't spoon-feed the content to them (as I've done in the past). I have to wonder if it's also because they heard from friends that it was easy and they had note-taking guides, then they didn't them this time. It just makes me want to put very little effort into the class, because I knocked myself out and got nothing for it.

OK- I just read over this post and I'm not even going to fix the typos- you guys know what I'm saying! I really need to do something useful this morning. btw- it's so hot and gross outside- I hate summer- except for the no-teaching part!

Jumping on the band wagon!

OK- so tomorrow is the start of InaDWriMo and I though I better take the motivation while I can get it! I have that paper that I started over the summer and totally abandoned. It sits at about 3,500 words and just needs to be finished and submitted. I told Dr. Brazen Hussy that I would pledge 2,500 words, which looks really lame compared to the others who are doing this, but it will be plenty to finish the paper and start to revise a grant proposal I keep kicking around (and have been talking about in the grant-writing workshop I am doing this semester). Plus- with my new Mac Book Pro on its way, I will have no excuse NOT to write! I just need to go find and install a word counter in my sidebar. We'll see how it goes!

Conference reflections

Well, D and I made it home last night and H picked us up at the airport. We went out to dinner at our favorite place- which was almost closing and didn't get home until after 10:00. The trip was good overall and I am feeling physically better than I was before the trip. I didn't get to do any spa treatments at the conference (children were not allowed and I had no place to leave D). It was nice to get away from Small College Town for a little while, though. 

I was not thrilled with the conference this time, though. I have attended this meeting twice before, but it was in cities where I had lived, so there were lots of locals that I knew. This time, I knew about three people (and not well). I felt like a complete outsider- also because we didn't attend any of the social gatherings, including the lunch (that I paid for). I asked the organizer if D could come and just share my plate of food and she said it was OK, but only because there were some no-shows and she seemed quite irritated about it. We decided to go eat elsewhere. 

I gave a poster instead of a talk and ran into that same old problem: "Are you a PhD student?" I played it off as a compliment that I look young, but was really quite annoyed about it. I'm almost 39! Is it so hard to believe that I am a tenured associate professor?? Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it just brings up all sorts of confidence issues for me and I start second-guessing everything about my research. But then, that is silly, too- I am a co-PI on a federally-funded grant and was presenting research from that grant. Why should I feel like this? I don't seem to do well when I strike up conservations with other conference attendees, either.  

The whole thing just gives me a major case of impostor syndrome (which I tend toward, anyway). I feel like never going to another conference and forgetting about ever going up for full professor, because I don't know how to schmooze or make connections within my discipline. Ugh. 

I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer over here lately, especially because it doesn't reflect my actual mood most of the time (as those who know me on Facebook know). I am hoping to have a productive summer of research (yes- we've all hear THAT one before!), and get a paper written. Today, I am playing catch-up from my week away by writing a lecture for tomorrow and other teaching chores...

The conference was in a BEAUTIFUL place (I wish I could post pictures, but it would give me away- they're all on Facebook!) and we got to visit Adopted Home State before that, so the week away was definitely good for me. Now, if I can just survive these last two weeks of the semester!!!

A new car!*

After two years of not having any car payments (because both of our cars were paid off), we bought a new car yesterday:
We knew that our next car would be a hybrid, but didn't know which one. We went with Honda because we like the way the car looks and it's a reliable company. We never got to even try out a Prius, because nobody had them in stock! We traded in our older car, which is the first car I bought all by myself- it was the first semester of my PhD and my old car had been costing me a lot of money. When it required a new transmission, I decided to look into buying one. I had that car before I met H, then it became his car when we bought our second one. It was sad to leave it behind, but it's always exciting to have a new car! We got the one with the navigation system, which looks very fun. I am especially excited about owning a hybrid. I can't wait to see how the gas mileage is. I will need to lighten up my lead foot, however.

So I did nothing else yesterday- I exercised and vacuumed out the trade-in in the morning, then we spent the afternoon at the dealership. I stayed up too late last night, so I am only now waking up (7:15) and D will be up soon. Between the grant and the new car, I've managed to avoid actually writing anything for the paper. And since it's MM's last week here, we are doing extra shopping and sight-seeing, too. I guess I can tell myself that I will get serious next week, but I really need to get a draft of that paper finished AND make some progress on the the other project.

*You must say this in the style of the announcer on The Price is Right.

Still here!

I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger of late. I have been busy, but I don't think that is the only reason I haven't been blogging. I haven't been reading blogs either- my Google Reader now has over 200 unread, so I doubt that I will actually get to read everything. I was glued to the TV on Tuesday night watching the election results, but most nights I am crashing out pretty early. You see, I'm teaching at 8:00 three days a week, so my schedule has shifted to sleeping earlier. The semester is going along smoothly so far. I am giving my first exam to the Big Freshman class tomorrow, so we'll see if I made it too easy or not. We got the almost final word on tenure last week- the Provost and President gave their seals of approval. As of July 1, I will be Associate Professor with tenure. I had been told this was practically a formality, but I just learned that someone in another department (also in another college) was denied by the Provost! I don't really understand how someone can pass through their department, college, and a university committee and then have one person decide they don't get it. I'm glad I didn't know that before or I would have been freaking out! That really sucks.

I am also busy chairing a search committee. We are about to invite people for interview, so it's pretty exciting. I got to call a few of them to ask for missing letters and they sounded very excited to hear from me. And I understand why! You send out applications and just jump every time the phone rings that they are going to call you. It's very interesting being on this side of it- I've been on search committees before, but not chaired one, so this is my first chance to do those sorts of things. I am also working on another proposal- just a small teaching-related one. I have no idea how competitive it is, but we're sending it in next week. I have so much work to do on The Grant stuff. I have two RAs, but some of the work is too complicated for them and I have to do it. And I have no time. And I keep putting it off. I have two work-at-home days per week and that work keeps getting pushed aside for other things- getting ready for classes, working on that proposal, search committee meetings at our other campus... I am presenting at two conference in April and need to use some of the results... I should be OK, but would feel better if things were out of my hands and passed on to the RAs!

So, I have no real excuse for the blogging silence. I wanted to do a Scientiae post, but missed that one, too. I hope you are all having good semesters (or quarters) out there!

More summer laziness

Sigh.

I haven't made much (any) progress on that rest of the summer to-do-list. I have gone in for necessary meetings this week, then come home right afterward. Today, I ran errands with D and H all afternoon and spent this evening feeling incredibly sleepy. I think my lack of exercise is not helping me feel very energized. I did get good news that I did NOT have a stress fracture in my foot, but it still hurts and I am not allowed to do any exercise that impacts it (even walking). I should start swimming again, but I am not feeling motivated to drive over to the U pool and parade around in a swimsuit (I have officially reached my heaviest ever). I also know that I will struggle to get there when classes start, since I am teaching five days a week. I ordered a recumbent exercise bike today, because then I will be able to exercise in the basement like I am used to. I am really excited about being able to read while exercising, too. I never felt comfortable reading on the treadmill, so I always watched movies instead. I think I'll be able to get a lot more reading in on that bike. While I wait for it to arrive, I should just drag myself over to the U pool and do some swimming. Of course, D will want to come and that will mean I won't get in much actual swimming.

Anyway, I need to start making some serious lists. I have decided I should just start in on teaching prep, since I can't manage to get anything else done. We'll see what I can do tomorrow. This weekend will be busy with D starting riding lessons again, going to a birthday party, and we have a going away party, too. I know I will be kicking myself in a few weeks and wondering how I managed to squander another summer. I am seriously considering taking next summer off and not even bothering to work. Of course, that is totally unrealistic considering that I am going to be doing some service work in June and still have summer salary from the Big Grant next summer. 

I'll get my act together at some point. I swear. Ugh.

Catching Up

As you know, I haven't been keeping up with the blog. I haven't been reading blogs either- mostly because I'm not reading content through the blog reading apps these days. I'm more likely to read tumblr or see something Twitter, so I've missed out on happenings on the blogs. I realized it's been almost two years since I posted something over here! Let me catch up with some random bullets:

• D is in high school now(!) and I drive her to a performing arts school almost an hour away (two rounds trips every day). It is worth it for her to go this school, but also to get out of the local high school here which is 99% white. She loves her new school, but still has the same teen struggles. Her eating disorder never got too serious, but she's still coping with body dysmorphia issues. She's in therapy and it definitely helps.
• I've been advising students in our major, minor, etc for the past three semesters. I enjoy it, since students stop by to see me and talk about class scheduling, etc. It's a good fit for me since I like talking to people. 
• I still haven't gone up for promotion. In theory, I could have gone up this year, but I just need some more research productivity to strengthen my record before I can do that. And with my current commuting schedule that is going to be even more challenging than before (I'm in the car 20+ hours a week). I really need to get another grant funded, but I'm sure you know how hard it is to get those things written and submitted- and then they're usually not funded, either. To be honest, I don't even care that much about promotion- other than the salary increase. I'm not a star researcher and never will be and that's fine. I like to have some leisure time in my life. Wow, I am a slacker.

Otherwise, things haven't changed a whole lot around here. We still live in the same house, our newer kitty is hilarious to have around- H even likes her. D is growing up (she'll be 16 this year!) and I'm already thinking about how my schedule will be freed up when she goes to college (without the commuting). Time flies.  I won't make any promises about posting over here, so if I do it can be a little surprise for everyone. 

Pissed off!

So, remember the grad student who was supposed to come this fall to work on my Big Grant? And he s/he sent this email AFTER accepting the position (in writing):

Due to personal issues, I might have to revisit the acceptance of the Research Assistantship offered at Small College Town University. I would like to know when I need to inform you if I cannot attend next fall. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

S/he officially decline last week:

Thank you for the great opportunity to be part of Small College Town University. However, I am sorry that my personal situation requires me to be closer to home and my family next year. Therefore I will not be able to attend Small College Town University in the fall. I apologize again for the inconvenience. I wish you all the best for next year.

Here is my reply:

I'm disappointed that you won't be joining us next year, but really appreciate you giving me plenty of advanced notice. I hope that you and your family are OK and that things work out well for you.

Well, this student had friended me on Facebook as soon as s/he received the offer in February. Today I saw an update: 

Flakey Student is now a member of the Neighboring State University network. (As in Grad Student NSU '10)

I am so pissed off. His/her emails made it sound like there were serious family issues going on- not that s/he had received a better offer. This really leaves me in a bind. I sent out another offer to an international student over the weekend and gave him/her a week to respond. If I don't hear anything I will have to advertise again, but this late- most people have already committed to other things for next year. Is it bad to wish bad things for this person's career??? (OK- I know the answer to that one...) btw- s/he is the first person I've ever unfriended on Facebook!

12 days

That's how many days there are left until classes start. I've really taken a break since last Saturday. I've been sleeping in (past 8:00!), staying up late watching movies, not doing anything work-related, and have been just feeling generally lazy! On the one hand, I feel like I deserve some time off. Just because we stayed in town doesn't mean that I should ignore the break, right? Plus D is home until next Wednesday when she goes back to school. On the other hand, we have so little time between semesters here that I can't really afford to do nothing. There are a few critical things that HAVE to be done before classes start on the 8th:

• I have to revise that conditionally accepted paper. If I wait until classes start, it will be that much more difficult, so I am better off doing it now- I really need that one for tenure.
• I also have a pre-proposal due on the 5th. It's the same NSF grant that I have applied for twice before. We're hoping that the 3rd time's a charm. I don't have a lot to do for revising the pre-proposal- just updating some statistics and incorporating some things from last year's full version. However, there is a deadline!
• I need to revise my syllabi for next semester. I have taught both of my classes several times, but I am making quite a few changes to the freshman course (like changing textbooks). I also want to try doing some in-class problem solving/ case study approaches to teaching, rather than just lecturing TO them. This will require a lot of planning and I'm going to be kicking myself if I end up trying to do this the night before.
• Some other things that I should work on before the 8th include: making some research progress for the conferences later in the spring, planning some guest talks I will be giving in February, and cleaning out some closets at home. It's really time that I got rid of some clothes that I haven't worn in years.

So, I have a lot to do and today did not start out in a promising way- I slept in (again) and am not feeling motivated in the least! I think I need to force myself out of bed early tomorrow. I feel groggy from too much sleep and morning is my best chance to get some work done. I'll keep you posted! btw- I did a couple posts of real substance over the last week or so- if you've been away from your computer, check them out!

tags: academia teaching workload research planning