I had a real low point late last night when I made the mistake of looking at my sister-in-law's FB page (I actually hide some of my relative from my newsfeed for this very reason). I saw a message from my stepmom telling her that my (half)sister is expecting her second baby early next year. I know I should be happy for her, but I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. It also didn't help that my stepmom made some comment about "all the grandkids having January or May birthdays" (since this one is due in January). Well, D was born in October- and I know that I am not really connected to that part of my family because of my racist father, but it just made me realize that we really are a non-issue to everyone else. Not that I didn't know this already, and not that I have any interest in getting in touch with my dad, but my stepmom has always put up this impression that she wants to stay in touch with us (we are friends on FB and get a Xmas card every year). Another kick in the gut. I felt sick when I went to bed. And I can't talk about any of this with H, because he doesn't understand why I even want to stay in touch with them. Ugh. I wish we weren't even planning to visit my brother now- not that he and his family have done anything to us, but they see my dad and stepmom pretty frequently and I just don't even want to think about that side of my family at all right now.
I feel better this morning, but last night just felt awful. I was thinking about how the baby we lost would have been about 18 months now and how D was at that age (and how my friends who had babies when I was due have kids that age now). And my brother and his wife have a one-year-old now. I used to think I was so tough and could handle anything that life threw at me and be just fine. The last few years have proved that I am the biggest wimp I know. Ugh- when will it stop hurting? I suspect it never will. And as I inch closer to 40 (only about two more months!), I know there is little chance of doing anything about it...
I'll try to blog a bit from the road (we are DRIVING across country). It will be an adventure for sure- I hope a good one!
UPDATE: I know I shouldn't torture myself, but I just looked at my stepmom's FB page, where she announced the news of this new grandchild in her status. Her friends wrote messages of congratulations, which she followed with "Thanks, everyone. This will make 5 beautiful grandkids!!!" (That's one from her son, two from her daughter, and two from her stepson- my brother- so his kids are not blood relatives of hers either. I guess my child- who was born before any of the other grandkids does not count in her book). Would it be weird to unfriend my own stepmother? Because I am thinking I will do just that! WTF?