I had a real low point late last night when I made the mistake of looking at my sister-in-law's FB page (I actually hide some of my relative from my newsfeed for this very reason). I saw a message from my stepmom telling her that my (half)sister is expecting her second baby early next year. I know I should be happy for her, but I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. It also didn't help that my stepmom made some comment about "all the grandkids having January or May birthdays" (since this one is due in January). Well, D was born in October- and I know that I am not really connected to that part of my family because of my racist father, but it just made me realize that we really are a non-issue to everyone else. Not that I didn't know this already, and not that I have any interest in getting in touch with my dad, but my stepmom has always put up this impression that she wants to stay in touch with us (we are friends on FB and get a Xmas card every year). Another kick in the gut. I felt sick when I went to bed. And I can't talk about any of this with H, because he doesn't understand why I even want to stay in touch with them. Ugh. I wish we weren't even planning to visit my brother now- not that he and his family have done anything to us, but they see my dad and stepmom pretty frequently and I just don't even want to think about that side of my family at all right now.
I feel better this morning, but last night just felt awful. I was thinking about how the baby we lost would have been about 18 months now and how D was at that age (and how my friends who had babies when I was due have kids that age now). And my brother and his wife have a one-year-old now. I used to think I was so tough and could handle anything that life threw at me and be just fine. The last few years have proved that I am the biggest wimp I know. Ugh- when will it stop hurting? I suspect it never will. And as I inch closer to 40 (only about two more months!), I know there is little chance of doing anything about it...
I'll try to blog a bit from the road (we are DRIVING across country). It will be an adventure for sure- I hope a good one!
UPDATE: I know I shouldn't torture myself, but I just looked at my stepmom's FB page, where she announced the news of this new grandchild in her status. Her friends wrote messages of congratulations, which she followed with "Thanks, everyone. This will make 5 beautiful grandkids!!!" (That's one from her son, two from her daughter, and two from her stepson- my brother- so his kids are not blood relatives of hers either. I guess my child- who was born before any of the other grandkids does not count in her book). Would it be weird to unfriend my own stepmother? Because I am thinking I will do just that! WTF?
9 comments:
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I can understand the family thing. There's no shame in feeling sad or grieving what could have been. That's what makes you strong.
Hugs.
Thanks. I just had a talk with H about all this and I broke down crying again. He made one very good point that sometimes friends are more important than family. I just need to not leave myself open to being hurt by people that don't really care about me- whether we're related or not. Easier said than done!
OMG. That's just outrageous. I'm so angry for you. You know they say you can't pick your family - but you've already chosen the only family worth having, the ones you live with. If the rest of them can't deal with it they're going to be the ones regretting it some day. Sorry if I'm being incoherent - it just infuriates me.
On a nicer note, you guys should visit our area again soon!
Aw, thanks Arbitrista! I know you're right. And H is about as angry about it as you are. Yes- we should come see you guys before Dr. BH gets a fancy job somewhere and you guys move away! :)
I don't think you're a wimp at all. It sounds like you've had some tough challenges with your family and the loss of the baby. I know that feeling you're talking about when you hear or read something that you just can't shake and it makes you sad/angry/upset. I sympathize. You'll get through it! It sounds like you've got great support from your husband and friends.
I would unfriend her. Then you don't have to see that stuff: even though you know how she/they feel, you don't have to be reminded on FB.
I am a bit late to comment, sorry.
I feel terrible for you, and I can sympathize with how you feel regarding the loss of a child and how everything around you reminds you of it.
I know you don't want to try again for a biological child, but why not try and adopt? I am sure you and your family would be a prime candidate as an adoptive family. A colleague of mine just adopted a third child (she was older than you and didn't want to go through the uncertainties of pregnancy at 40+) and it's been wonderful. From your post, I understand you would not care about the race of the baby, in which case there are multiple wonderful oportunities to adopt both within the US and abroad.
As for your stepmom, first tell her how full of crap she is and then unfriend her. I second your husband's opinion -- you don't actually have to be in contact with either your dad or your stepmom.
Best of luck.
Thanks again, all.
GMP: I have thought of adoption, but H would never go for it. I'm OK with things now- it really depends on the day you ask me! I unfriended my stepmom right after I wrote this post. She has requested to friend me twice and I have ignored both times (I don't think she even realizes whey I disappeared from her list). I don't even want to get into communicating with her, so I'm just maintaining my silence. I'm sure she'll hardly notice since we didn't really talk anyway.
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