Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Big Decisions

I am done trying to get pregnant. The miscarriage last spring was about all I could take, but we decided to give it another go this summer. One chemical pregnancy four months later, I am just finished. I don't know what the causes of any of these losses were, but I can't help but feel like it's all a big blaring neon sign telling us to be happy with what we have and go on with our lives. I had actually decided to give up this month- then I took an early HPT and got a faint positive. So I switched back into pregnancy mode for about 4 days, while I waited to do a follow-up test. Well, other events intervened and I am definitely not pregnant now. I've been trying to do some (more) soul-searching about all this and why I developed the urge to be a mom again in the past year, when I had never really had any big plans about it before. I still don't know, but I guess I wanted to go through the experience again- to feel a baby growing inside me, and nursing, and rocking him/her in the middle of the night.  Maybe I just miss those times with D- like somehow I didn't enjoy D's pregnancy or her time as a baby. But the truth is, I did enjoy that time. Maybe the time that has passed makes it seem like I missed something- I don't really know. I've had a pretty rough day and some old wounds were opened this morning, but I'm feeling OK. H has said all along that he would be perfectly happy if we never had another baby- even though he would have also enjoyed having another one, so he is fine with this. I guess it will take some time before I come to terms with it myself, but I know it is the right decision for us.

ETA: I cried a lot last night (and watching emotional political speeches really didn't help), drank a couple beers, and I'm feeling OK this morning. I don't feel as awful as I did back in April, but this has certainly set me back a bit. I know I'll be fine again and I really want to enjoy my family and job now that the pressure of tenure is off of me- I have a lot to be thankful for and need to remind myself of that. Thanks for the hugs- they are definitely appreciated.

10 comments:

USJogger said...

{{Addy}}

Sorry this has been so rough. I think you and H are wise to make a decision and move on, even if it's a really hard decision. I'll pray for you.

Jogger

Seeking Solace said...

Hugs!

JustMe said...

lots of hugs to you. i am sorry you have been going through this difficult time.

luckybuzz said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm sending lots of hugs your way too.

Albatross said...

Wishing you the best possible right now

MommyProf said...

My thoughts are with you.

Amelie said...

(o)

comebacknikki said...

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this. :(
(((Addy)))

science cog said...

Oooh, so sorry to hear your anguish. Have you tried Clomid? Maybe worth a try.

ScienceGirl said...

{{{Addy}}}