Big Decisions

I am done trying to get pregnant. The miscarriage last spring was about all I could take, but we decided to give it another go this summer. One chemical pregnancy four months later, I am just finished. I don't know what the causes of any of these losses were, but I can't help but feel like it's all a big blaring neon sign telling us to be happy with what we have and go on with our lives. I had actually decided to give up this month- then I took an early HPT and got a faint positive. So I switched back into pregnancy mode for about 4 days, while I waited to do a follow-up test. Well, other events intervened and I am definitely not pregnant now. I've been trying to do some (more) soul-searching about all this and why I developed the urge to be a mom again in the past year, when I had never really had any big plans about it before. I still don't know, but I guess I wanted to go through the experience again- to feel a baby growing inside me, and nursing, and rocking him/her in the middle of the night.  Maybe I just miss those times with D- like somehow I didn't enjoy D's pregnancy or her time as a baby. But the truth is, I did enjoy that time. Maybe the time that has passed makes it seem like I missed something- I don't really know. I've had a pretty rough day and some old wounds were opened this morning, but I'm feeling OK. H has said all along that he would be perfectly happy if we never had another baby- even though he would have also enjoyed having another one, so he is fine with this. I guess it will take some time before I come to terms with it myself, but I know it is the right decision for us.

ETA: I cried a lot last night (and watching emotional political speeches really didn't help), drank a couple beers, and I'm feeling OK this morning. I don't feel as awful as I did back in April, but this has certainly set me back a bit. I know I'll be fine again and I really want to enjoy my family and job now that the pressure of tenure is off of me- I have a lot to be thankful for and need to remind myself of that. Thanks for the hugs- they are definitely appreciated.