Talking myself into (and out of) things

Those of you who've been visiting this blog for a while know that I have a tendency to 'jump the gun'. Remember the job search last spring? I had resigned myself to not getting an offer... then I did. I ended up turning it down, but I did actually get the offer (unfortunately, it wasn't feasible for many reasons). Even when I was just applying, I checked the housing in the area on realtor.com. I imagined how we would transport our cars and 14-year-old cat across the country during the summer when we moved back out west. Of course, none of that happened.

So why do I convince myself that I know the outcome of things (which are beyond my control) BEFORE they are revealed to me? I really have no idea, except that it is the way I mentally prepare. I cannot even fathom NOT planning out these possible scenarios. I have to imagine myself in the new situation before it happens (or doesn't). I think most of it has to do with my control-freak nature. I feel like if I have a plan and know what MIGHT happen, then I still have some control over the situation and everything will be alright. I am currently doing the same thing, because I am waiting to hear about tenure (and will hear from the Dean THIS WEEK!). I am checking job ads in case things go well (and I can apply for associate jobs). I am checking in case, I am turned down, but H gets tenure (I actually don't have a good plan for this one yet). I am checking in case I get tenure and he doesn't (then he can leave academia and I will apply for associate jobs). Or if we are both turned down and I am back looking for assistant prof jobs. This level of uncertainty really drives me crazy. I can't DO anything about tenure at this point, so I watch the schedule that was published at the beginning of the year and guess what might be happening- I did the same thing with job searches last year. I talk to H about these things and he thinks I am crazy. I am counting my chickens before they hatch. I really don't know how to function any other way and it hasn't really caused me problems, either, I suppose. It's just my M.O. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go WAIT to hear some more!!!

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