Friday, August 07, 2009

Heart-breaking

As D was eating some dessert tonight, she says, " Mommy, can't I have a sibling?"

I kind of snapped at her, because it's not the first time she's asked me that and I've told her we tried and it didn't work out. This time, I told her that it makes me feel bad when she says that. That I can't just snap my fingers and make it happen. I felt bad to snap at her, but it hurts so much every time she brings it up. I've tried acting nonchalant about it in the past, but this caught me off guard- it just came out of nowhere.  And I was angry. Like I made a conscious decision NOT to have another child (lord knows we gave it our best shot). I was having a nice relaxing evening, but now am feeling depressed. And H is busy working on that proposal, so I'm on my own this evening. Ugh.

12 comments:

TiredProf said...

I'm so sorry. We were never able to have children (and surgery eventually ended our chances), so I have some notion of the pain. I guess there's nothing I can do, but wanted to let you know someone's reading and thinking about you. {hugs}

Terminal Degree said...

I'm sorry. That's got to hurt.

I was an only child. My parents took a big interest in my life and hung out with me a lot, and usually I didn't even want siblings. But every now and then, my "differentness" would bother me, such as the time in elementary school when I discovered I was the only "only" in the class. I also hated the thoughtless comment from people who didn't even know me: "Only, huh? You must be spoiled." That stung. At such times I'd mention it to my parents and suggest it was time for a sibling. (They finally got me a cat, and I quit bugging them about it!) So maybe D wants a sibling. Or maybe she just wants to be like the other kids in the class?

Partly due to health reasons, my parents decided not to have more kids. Yet people bugged them about it all the time. I'm sure it bothered them, although they never let on.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Addy N. said...

Thanks to you both.
TiredProf: I'm sorry you couldn't have children- and when I hear that it makes me feel guilty for being sad about "only" having one! I think the loss last year hit D harder than I thought- I never even looked pregnant, but she was exciting about getting a little brother or sister- I think that's why she still brings it up sometimes- even though I told her we're done.
Terminal Degree: I don't know if it's other kids or not, but *I* always feel like we're the only ones with *just* one kid. Maybe she does feel left out sometimes.

Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry.

Maybe a dog would help. :)

Addy N. said...

Thanks, BH: I'm sure D would LOVE a dog, but as long as our geriatric kitty (she's about 16 now) is around, that is totally out of the question!

Super Babe said...

I'm sorry :( I understand the pain. People keep asking us why we're not trying again, but I think part of me is terrified of going through the same thing again...

Not to step into that "it's not your business area", but do you think you're done for sure? Have you ever considered adoption? (We have... and I think I would love to do it even if we could have a kid of our own)...

And... if not... I'm sure as D gets older, she'll embrace her uniqueness :)

Addy N. said...

Super Babe: I know that must have been so tough for you! I think you just have to convince yourself that it *won't* happen again. I can't say with 100% certainty that we're really done, but the more time that goes by it seems less and less likely. I used to think I would never want to have a baby past 35, now I think before 40 sounds reasonable! Maybe I won't know for sure until I'm 50! I'm not opposed to the idea of adoption, but H is, so it's off the table. I sometimes wish I had never gotten the idea into my head in the first place, because we were always content being a family of three. I honestly change my mind about the whole thing a couple of times a day.

Addy N. said...

Oh, and we really did get rid of ALL of our baby stuff, so we're pretty sure we're done...

Seeking Solace said...

I am so sorry. I wonder if it is possible to revisit the issue of trying again. Even if you gave away all the baby stuff, does that really end the discussion?

Does D know about the miscarriage? I know she's young, but is there an age appropriate way to explain what happened and why it's so hard for you when she brings up having a sibling?

Addy N. said...

Seeking Solace: Oh yes, D knows everything. I told her pretty early when I was pregnant and have often regretted the way I told her about losing the baby (I tried to be casual about it, so that she wouldn't be so upset). She was 8 when it all happened and pretty aware of everything. I am just surprised by how hard she took it- it's been almost 18 months! She is a very sensitive, compassionate, empathetic girl- almost too much so, because she is so affected by the suffering of others. And of course, giving away all the baby stuff doesn't preclude having another one- I just think of it as a sign that I was pretty certain about it for a long enough period of time to sort through things and actually get rid of them!

JustMe said...

oh dear...so sorry addy... hugs to you.

Twice said...

I'm so sorry. I think it is okay that you told her it hurts you when she brings it up, even if you snapped a little. Strong emotions happen.

For what it is worth, I was an only child and thought it was awesome. The spoiling comments are annoying, but I just embraced the idea. I'd say "hey - always had my own room AND my own bathroom - what's not to like?"