Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Warning: whining ahead...

I'm in a bit of a funk today and even feeling a bit depressed. I've been thinking a lot about the miscarriage, because I told two people about it yesterday. I went to get my hair cut for the first time since March and had to tell my hair stylist- the last time I saw her was when D got her hair cut and we told her the good news that I was pregnant. Then at a party last night, I was talking with a colleague from another department. She asked me if I thought we might have any more kids, and instead of being vague and just saying "no, we're done", I ended up saying "actually, I had a miscarriage in April". I don't know if it's because I'd had a beer, or because I was talking about it earlier in the day, but it just came out. 

I'm feeling OK about things, in general, but it's really hard when I see pregnant women (on TV, in real life- they seem to be everywhere), see all of these people with more than one child- I just feel kind of sick. I feel stupid that I thought I could have another baby. I feel stupid for trying to do it when so many people I know (in real life and through blogging) were already pregnant. I'm so happy for everyone who's just had a baby or counting down the days until it's time, but it's also been overwhelming. My friend from work had a baby the day of my miscarriage. Another work friend had her baby last week. There's been a baby boom around the blogosphere, as well, and it's leaving me feeling... left out? sad? I don't even know how to describe it. It's been two months and I've been OK, but the last couple of days have suddenly been hard. I probably have PMS, too. I haven't been eating very well, I haven't been exercising, so I'm not helping myself out too much that way.

I also woke up with a terrible headache this morning (no- I wasn't hung over- it's my sinuses). I woke up during the night and was to warm, and kept tossing and turning the rest of the night. After I took D to her science camp this morning, I came home and ended up sleeping for another almost two hours! The headache subsided, but it's not completely gone. It sucks, too, because it is just gorgeous outside today (I'm sitting on the porch right now).

I guess I don't really have anything to say- I was reluctant to write this post because so many of you are celebrating new babies and I didn't want to make anyone feel bad- I hope it hasn't had that effect. I also feel like I have no right to complain, since I already have one happy healthy amazing daughter, so I should just shut-up because there are lots of people who don't have any children. I'm sure everything will look fine tomorrow- my funks don't usually last too long. I'm just feeling a bit low today...

15 comments:

USJogger said...

Addy,

We (the Internet) would love it if you were always happy and never depressed and had nothing to blog about except how great your life is. But failing that, feel free to think of us as one big, distributed shoulder to cry on.

I'm sorry that this is hard for you. I expect that it will keep coming up, sometimes unexpectedly, as many major losses do. Hang in there. We're right there with you, even those of us who are miles away.

Jogger

Anastasia said...

I so feel you on this. For me, the feeling comes and it goes. Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and it's fine, others times it isn't. And I feel bad for wanting and mourning the loss of a third child. seriously, how greedy am I?

anyway, I feel you and I feel for you. I am so, so sorry. (hugs)

Psych Post Doc said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I really do think you have every right to feel down, your sadness for a terrible thing you experienced does not = lack of happiness for those who have wonderful things happening in their lives. Cut yourself some slack.

Seeking Solace said...

I am so sorry you are having a tough go. Please, whine away.

And enjoy the wine!!!

Ianqui said...

It's true that there are sort of an inordinate number of women in the blogosphere having children right now, so I can understand that it's really hard for you to read about that. Just as you hope that your post doesn't make us feel bad (it certainly doesn't make me feel that way), I hope that our posts aren't alienating you either.

MommyProf said...

{{Addy}}

Addy N. said...

Thanks so much, everyone. You sure do know how to make a person feel better! I guess I always have trouble feeling like it's OK to be sad or complain when so many people in the world don't have food or shelter (or are living in war zones), so my personal problems hardly seem significant. I've also always been the "tough one" in my family who always adapted to big changes. I've been VERY fortunate to not experience the loss of a close friend or relative in my life, so the big things for me have been my parents divorcing (I was 6), moving (5th grade, 8th grade), and oh so ironically- getting pregnant very unexpectedly, dealing with H getting a job across the country, while being pregnant AND finishing classes and written & oral exams for PhD. I always managed through unscathed. And for the most part, I think I am dealing with this loss very well. Like Anastasia mentioned- it comes and goes.

And, Ianqui- I am not feeling alienated by any of the pregnancy/new mommy blogging- after all- I have already been there and I am excited for all of you first-time-moms to enjoy and share your experiences. I'm just starting to feel like it was an awfully long time ago (D will be 9 this year!) and on some level I do feel left out. None of my friends were having kids when I did, so I didn't get to go through it with anyone.

EcoGeoFemme said...

oh! you are being awfully hard on yourself. My heart broke when I read that you feel stupid for thinking you could have another baby. It's never stupid to be hopeful or to try to make your dreams happen.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

luckybuzz said...

((((Addy)))))

I'm sorry you're in a funk. I think it's totally understandable, and you should feel free to complain or bitch or whatever helps.

Sending you hugs and good wishes for a better day tomorrow, sweetie.

Super Babe said...

I hear you on this one -- just yesterday as I was coming back from my run I saw a pregnant woman and my first thought "I guess I'd be around 5 months now". Then I had to force myself to think "well, in that case I probably wouldn't be running"...

My underlying feelings have been more of the not motivated kind... I think I'm ok but I'm not motivated to do any real work at all... and some of the days I don't have to run (I'm training for a half marathon) I really don't want to get out of bed...

It comes and goes I guess. I hope you're feeling better today. Hugs.

Amelie said...

(o)
Hope you feel better soon!

Twice said...

I hope the funk passes. I'll join the chorus when I say try not to be so hard on yourself. Take care and feel free to whine.

Mary Coussons-Read, Ph.D. said...

Wow- Thank you for sharing this with us. I think it's amazing how you've responded to the comments and hope that hte coming days will continue to be a bit brigter. Hang in there, hug H and D, and be kind to yourself.

Chaser said...

(((Addy))))

That's me wrapping you in a big squishy-armed fat-lady hug.

Breena Ronan said...

Hey, sometimes I feel left out of the blogosphere's baby boom. Everyone feels down sometimes and everyone is different. Some people want lots of children and some want none and neither is wrong, right?