Three FIVE posts for January

ETA: Wow, I can't even count! October 2008 was also slow.... 

This is my leanest blogging month since October 2006 (I checked). I guess it's a lot of things- Facebook being a BIG reason that I don't feel as compelled to write over here. I am also pretty busy and still feeling like I am "not working up to my potential" (to quote my 8th grade guidance counselor).  I am teaching the BIG freshman science course and I changed textbooks this semester. This doesn't change the content of the course, but the organization is different and I have to update and revise and make new lectures. In fact, that is what I should be doing right now. 

I am trying (at least in my mind) to get my act together in terms of research, too. Since I can't have my RA do much, lots of things are just sitting and waiting for my attention. I did tell her/him that s/he is out for next year, so I am now advertising for a new student. I am stuck advising this student, however, and I am not happy about it. Being in a small program, I didn't see any way that I could really refuse- s/he is here because of my RA, so even though I am dumping him/her from that, I can't exactly pawn her/him off on anyone else. Such a pain- I don't see how s/he will even get through the program. 

Personally, I am feeling pretty good. I haven't kept up with exercising as much as I had hoped, but it's more than I was doing before, so that's an improvement. I am relieved to be in a non-pregnant and no-chance-of-being-pregnant state, too, because I feel free to have a beer or take ibuprofen or whatever without being stressed about it. I can feel things are shifting with H, though. We were in a certain "mode" the past year, while trying and have to get back to how things were before- or at least a new way for us to be. It's a relief for both of us, but I know I am still a little sad (H never says if he is or not). We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this summer. So much has changed in the past ten years. When we first got together we were under so much external stress and came through it fine. The past year has brought about a lot of internal stress and we have to find a way to work through that. I am not worried about our future, but there are some issues (that have always been there) that have been bothering me the last couple of weeks. I really let him have it about something this morning and I hope he got the message.

It has been a sad week for other reasons, though. A friend's daughter has a miscarriage after trying for more than a year to get pregnant. I feel so terrible for them- I always consoled myself with the notion that I already have a child, so I can't imagine how horrible it would be to lose your first- especially after trying for so long. It's so sad- I hope they are OK. 

Well, I am in a down mood because of this morning, so this may not be an accurate reflection of what is going on in my personal life- so don't worry! Just yesterday, I was telling D that H is my best friend. She thought that was funny, but I told her that it's the best way to be. 

What a great day...

Check THIS out!

Perspective (& non-bullets)

I don't want to say anything specific here, but a blogger friend of mine is having a hellish time right now and I feel absolutely terrible for her. It makes me put my own woes in perspective and realize that I really have nothing to complain about (which I knew anyway). I haven't been depressed all the time- it comes and goes- and I am trying to do something about it by getting plenty of sleep and getting back into regular exercise- which ALWAYS improves my life-outlook. 

We start classes tomorrow and I don't feel ready- another week would have been great, but that's not how the calendar is set up. I have syllabi ready for both classes and know what I am doing tomorrow, but Wednesday is still not prepared. And I have a manuscript review due Thursday. And need to finish some minor revisions of a paper. I just feel like my home office desk is a big mess (because it is) and should probably clear it off today, so that I can feel organized.

We are still progressing with the remodeling stuff, but have hit a snag with... you'll never guess... financing. We don't have enough equity to cover the whole job (which we knew), so we are looking into doing a HUD 207(k) loan. They base your loan amount on the value of the property AFTER the work is done. We have to wait for the contracting bids to come in, then have the appraisal done and see if the math works out. If not, we may do part now and the rest later. The same day we looked into this, we also got the BIG bill from our architect. He had told us an estimated amount for the whole job, but I didn't know we would get one bill that accounted for most of it. And he doesn't take credit cards. Ouch. Between that and knowing that the potential loan requires a down payment, we are feeling quite poor- which is silly given our income. We just don't have thousands of dollars just lying around to cover these things. We'll see what happens, I guess.

Otherwise, 2009 is not great so far, but it's not terrible, either. I spent the first week of the year without my car (the hybrid), because there was a part that needed replacing. They had trouble diagnosing the problem, then needed to order a part AND the tool to replace it. It seems fine now. Then our other car (almost 9 years old, 64,000 miles) needed a new muffler. And anything costing us lots of money right now is not welcome because of the remodeling plans. I'm sure we'll figure it out. 

I haven't written a really thoughtful post in quite a while- I'll have to work on that...

I have nothing interesting to say...

... so go read this great post from Chaser.

Regular blogging will resume when I pull myself out of yet another depressed slump:

Am I glad that's over.

Happy new year and goodbye to 2008- you won't be missed. I was talking with H over breakfast this morning, and we agreed that there wasn't much good about 2008. We were both officially granted tenure and promotion (a VERY good thing), but the deal was really done in 2007- this year was just a formality. 

Thankfully, nothing really awful happened to us, either- although having a miscarriage was pretty awful, I have to say. It shattered what we thought our family was to become and I think it made us even more persistent to keep trying. The failures of our attempts have taken a toll on us too, though and we've decided to throw in the towel for good. This decision has freed me to give away all of D's remaining baby stuff and I've had some fun the last few days picking out a few select things to send to my sister (who had a baby in May) and a good friend (who had a baby in October). We are giving some furniture and things to a friend's daughter and her husband who are due next summer and the rest is going to be donated. I've been reluctant the last year to really get rid of things with so much uncertainty. What if I get pregnant and we need those things? Now that we are done and getting ready to finish the basement, we really need to get things out of there. It feels kind of liberating and I really hated all the uncertainty, so it feels good to actually make a decision. It's not that I don't feel sad at all- I still do sometimes. But I find myself wishing more that we'd had another baby years ago, so that they would have been close in age. Even if we had succeeded in having a baby now, the age gap would have defined their relationship differently than siblings who are only a few years apart. 

I am not going to make any grand resolutions for 2009, but I do want to focus on a couple things:

• health- I have really let exercise slide over the last year and used lots of things to continue my lack of exercise: being pregnant, having a miscarriage, my skin surgery, my neck problems, etc. I will probably write a post over at the Active Academic about this, too. I also want to eat a more vegan diet. I already eat 99% vegan at home, but when we go out, I falter, or when there is frozen pizza around, I also eat it. 
• work- I need to get my act together and get out of the post-tenure, post-miscarriage slump I've been in. I am trying to have a positive attitude about things, so I hope that helps.

I know it's purely psychological to see a new year as a time make changes and say goodbye to unpleasant things from the past, but it works for me! I'll just leave you with one of the perks of living in Small College Town:

The bags come off next Monday!