One more reason that April should be over...

Dear Dr. N:

Thank you for submitting an application for the U.S. 2008 HP Technology for Teaching Grant Initiative on behalf of Small College Town University. It is with sincere regret that we must inform you that your proposal was not selected to receive a grant award. 

yada yada yada....

10.5

That was my hCG level at yesterday's appointment (down from 35.8, one week earlier). I have to go get stabbed again next week. And the nurse told me that there is nothing like it halving every 48 hours- it doubles every 48 hours when you become pregnant, but it doesn't go away that fast. Bummer! It's not that I mind the blood draw so much any more- I'm getting to be quite a trooper about it (although I still insist on lying down as they do it). I just wanted the closure of being done with this too. It would have been nice for all of the unpleasantness to be contained within the month of April. I'm so excited about this month ending that I feel like staying up until midnight just to see it go! I really am feeling fine- other than a general lethargy and crabbiness that will likely go away once I start eating better and exercising regularly (this will begin on May 13th after grades are in!)

I started reading a book on miscarriage- but it isn't a self-help type of book. It's an academic book written by an Anthropologist who experienced SEVEN miscarriages of her own (I cannot even imagine). She writes about the influence of culture on women's experiences of miscarriage and it sounds really interesting so far. I love the title too: Motherhood Lost. Am I a nerdy academic or what? I deal with my own loss by reading an academic book!

I will also be celebrating the arrival of May tomorrow by going to lunch and visiting the closest Lush Store with a friend (who also teaches MWF). I got some advice about Lush products for rosacea from the Lush Forums (what a great place to waste time and be tempted to spend even MORE money!) One of the products is refrigerated, so you can't buy it online (at least not in the U.S.)

Good bye, April 2008. You will not be missed.

Pissed off!

So, remember the grad student who was supposed to come this fall to work on my Big Grant? And he s/he sent this email AFTER accepting the position (in writing):

Due to personal issues, I might have to revisit the acceptance of the Research Assistantship offered at Small College Town University. I would like to know when I need to inform you if I cannot attend next fall. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

S/he officially decline last week:

Thank you for the great opportunity to be part of Small College Town University. However, I am sorry that my personal situation requires me to be closer to home and my family next year. Therefore I will not be able to attend Small College Town University in the fall. I apologize again for the inconvenience. I wish you all the best for next year.

Here is my reply:

I'm disappointed that you won't be joining us next year, but really appreciate you giving me plenty of advanced notice. I hope that you and your family are OK and that things work out well for you.

Well, this student had friended me on Facebook as soon as s/he received the offer in February. Today I saw an update: 

Flakey Student is now a member of the Neighboring State University network. (As in Grad Student NSU '10)

I am so pissed off. His/her emails made it sound like there were serious family issues going on- not that s/he had received a better offer. This really leaves me in a bind. I sent out another offer to an international student over the weekend and gave him/her a week to respond. If I don't hear anything I will have to advertise again, but this late- most people have already committed to other things for next year. Is it bad to wish bad things for this person's career??? (OK- I know the answer to that one...) btw- s/he is the first person I've ever unfriended on Facebook!

Plan? What plan?

As much as I consider myself a "planner", I have never really done much long-term planning- personally or professionally. I just read ScienceWoman's post about her initial career and life goals and thought about how I never really had a plan. I didn't decide to continue through PhD until I was almost finished with my Masters. I never planned to have children (or imagined I would find someone I wanted to marry and vice versa), but I got pregnant during my second year of PhD and married H a few months later. Despite my lack of "a plan", things have turned out amazing well: I am happily married as we approach our 9th anniversary this summer, I have a happy, healthy eight-year-old daughter, and I have just gotten tenure. I really can't complain (not that I don't!). 

I am at an interesting point in my life now, though. I feel like this year has been a bit of a wash in some ways- the post-tenure-submission slow-down (OK- slack-off is a more fitting term) that has caused me to take things a little too easy, for one. I feel like I need to make some big decisions about my future. I have plenty of research ideas and current work going on (with the Big Grant), so it's not that I am sitting around with nothing with do. I do wonder which direction I should head with my research, though. I wonder if my future work will be enough to eventually be promoted to full professor, too. It seems that requirements for promotion and tenure only go up and I wonder if I am up to the task. 

The other big decision is personal. After my recent miscarriage, we have to reconsider our whole plan to expand our family. Since this is so fresh, I'm still sorting through my feelings about it, but also considering what we will do over the next few months. Will we try again? Should we? I can't help but feel that maybe we should take it as a sign that we're done with kids. I also kind of hate to accept defeat. Since D was born and H got his first tenure-track job, we've let our careers drive our personal plans. Now that we both have tenure, we feel free to plan our personal lives without worrying about how it might affect our ability to get tenure. This is what drove us to try for the baby that we just lost, but now we feel obliged to reconsider. We have been content being parents of an only child, but have always talked about maybe having another. As I creep closer to 40, we know that time is running short on that option. 

I am happy with my life so far, so my lack of goals and planning doesn't seem to have hurt me too much. Maybe NOT having a plan about my future will be OK, too. 

scientiae carnival

Random Bullets of Saturday

It's nice and sunny outside, but I'm avoiding going out there because my allergies have been bad. I've been feeling pretty lethargic today, but managed to get a little exercise (I jumped on the mini-trampoline for 15 minutes), since I thought that might be contributing to my laziness. Here are some things I've been doing/thinking about:

• Last fall, we had talked about going to Very Distant Country (H's home country), but when post-election violence broke out, we decided to postpone it.  Things settled down, but then I was pregnant and couldn't travel to a malaria-prone area. Now, I'm not pregnant, so I can travel (and have lots of vaccinations), but I've committed to a couple of things this summer. H will likely go either way (his ticket is paid for), but I'm torn about whether D and I can go, also. I volunteered to go to a conference in early August (and my abstract was just accepted)- we'd be back in time, but I'd need time to get ready. I also volunteered to mentor a student this summer and if I go, s/he will be without a mentor for 2-3 weeks. None of this is insurmountable, but I just wonder if we should go under such hasty circumstances.... Tickets are also about $2000 (a piece). We'll see.
• I am feeling 100% physically and even emotionally, I feel just fine. I'm sure I will encounter things that will set me off in the future (like when my due date approaches- especially if we are not trying again or we are, but I'm not pregnant by then), but for now I'm feeling really good. I think that was one benefit of doing the "natural" miscarriage, rather than a D&C, because it took almost two weeks for all bleeding to stop and by then I was feeling like myself. It's almost like it coincided perfectly- body is healed? check. Mind healed? somewhat- now I can feel like it's really over. I had my hCG levels checked on Tuesday and they had dropped to 35.8* (they keep checking until they fall below 3). The nurse thought that next Tuesday could be the last check since they were that low already. I found on the web, that they are supposed to halve every 48 hours, so that would put me near 3 by next Tuesday. I'm just glad the whole ordeal is over. I started having bleeding on April 1st, got the bad news April 10th and had the miscarriage April 11th. I was basically bleeding for most of the month!
• I have one week of classes left and I don't know if the students can tell, but I am totally slacking off. I have grading to do in the upper-level class, but I keep blowing it off. I am showing a video and doing a group activity, then exam review in the freshmen class, so I am not lecturing. The upper-level class is all presentations, too! I feel like such a flake.
• I have not been eating very well, but that will all come to an end on May 12th!!
• I accidentally honked at my 87-year-old neighbor yesterday. She was blocking traffic so I honked, then realized who it was. I'm hoping she didn't know it was me.
• I'm going to miss our graduating graduate students this year. They're an awesome group.
• I made an offer to another prospective graduate student for my RA! I hope s/he accepts!

I am going to go look for something to cook for dinner. We thought about going out, but we really have plenty of things here- they just need to be cooked!! I hope you are all enjoying your weekend- where ever you may be.

*HPTs are usually sensitive to about 25

Keeping up the streak

Well, I've got nuthin', but who am I to break this great blogging streak I've got going?? I didn't want the day to end without a new post, so here I am: it's almost 11:00, I'm pretty tired, I have a scratchy throat that I hope is not a cold coming on, and I can't motivate to get off the couch and go upstairs to bed (pretty pathetic, I know). I managed to totally ignore the virtual grading pile I have accumulating in digital space, too. I am going to be in grading hell next week or the week after if I don't get my act together, but that is currently insufficient motivation for me to actually do anything about it. Tomorrow is a work-at-home day (after my weekly visit to D's class), so maybe I can accomplish something then. I really have no excuse- it's purely procrastination. 

So, nothing exciting going on here. The blood-draw bruise is turning a lovely blue-green shade and I am still waiting to hear about my blood test results- maybe tomorrow. Hopefully, tomorrow also will inspire me to get some crap done and have something more interesting to blog about.

Music meme I couldn't resist

As seen at Anastasia's...
Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike through when someone gets them right I'm doing italics
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.

1. Early in the mornin'
2. Someone knockin' at the door
3. I don't wanna go and party
4. Janie always said I was a mess
5. When you were young and your heart was an open book
6. I wrote a letter on a nothing day
7. and I won't give it up to you.
8. How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
9. I've done myself an impossible crime
10. Frozen into coats, white girls of the north
11. In my eyes, indisposed
12. Chill light on my sight as my ego becomes
13. Unholy, I feel sick and unholy
14. I wondered all night
15. Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
16. You should have seem me with the poker man
17. These days I feel immune
18. We're so sorry, Uncle Albert
19. With a little luck
20. My love is in league with the freeway
21. Well you can tell by the way I use my walk
22. Down there at the pawn shop
23. Don't get too tired for love
24. We've got nothin', but that's alright
25. The gutter may profess its love

Not a productive day so far...

I had my follow-up appointment this morning and was late because of this:

Yes- that is a train off in the distance. It was barely moving. It was blocking most of the roads in town (the tracks runs NW-SE through the middle of town). 

They poked another hole in my arm (and it bruised this time) so that they can check my hCG levels. I have to get it checked once a week to make sure it goes to zero. I also have to decide whether do any other testing to see if I am at risk of another miscarriage because of underlying health problems. They did a full blood count when I was first pregnant and it was all good, but there are other things to check for. The midwife said that they don't usually do those with "just one" miscarriage, but I could elect to do them anyway. I left feeling a little depressed, because I don't know for sure (and will never know) if the miscarriage was caused by a defect or a hormonal problem. If I do get pregnant again, they will be monitoring my hormones very closely to see if I need supplementation. This just threw me, because it means that MAYBE the baby was fine and it was my hormones that ended it. I went back to my usual thinking that I am too old now* and should not even try again. I'm sure I'll continue to go back and forth about it- until we do try or I just keep wondering. I still haven't cried since Thursday, so I am feeling pretty much like my normal self again. I have managed to do NO work today. I have vacuumed out my car and washed the floor mats, but that's about it. I still have two hours until D comes home, so I guess I better go get some things done. 

*I know that LOTS of women have babies in the their 40s, but maybe MY body is too old.

No more slacking off

I've always preferred to overload the front part of my week, so that I can feel like the worst is over by mid-week. This semester is no exception. Monday afternoon has labs for my freshmen class, which I don't teach myself, but feel that I should be around and available to the students and my TA. Last week, there was no lab (after-exam break), the week before I was on doctor-ordered "rest", so this was the first Monday in a while that I actually put in my long day.  It wasn't bad, either. I went to lunch with a few friends from work- we took a nice walk across campus in the sunny spring weather. I also got some research stuff done this afternoon and made some progress with my RA-replacement issue (we have a current applicant that may be a good fit). When I got home, I wasn't even that tired. Instead of collapsing on the couch, I did some cleaning before dinner! I just got finished playing a game with D and am now watching MSNBC with H. I'm feeling really good to have the end of the semester in sight- even though I have lots of grading to do before then. I hope to hit the ground running to get a couple of papers out this summer. I have one paper that should have gone out last summer and another new one that I need to write for a special issue. I say this every summer, but I REALLY don't want to squander this summer away. I don't have tenure pressure any more, but hope to be productive. 

So how much more time until your summer begins (what ever it may be)??? What plans do you have?

It's official

I need to hire a new RA for the Fall. I'm very disappointed, because this person seemed like a great fit and a great person to have a grad student. The reasons for the change of plans were vague, so I just told them that I hoped that everything was OK and how much I appreciate the advanced notice. Still- it's a bummer- I'll have to advertise again. 

Bad timing

So Juno is out on DVD and I had added it to my Netflix queue a while back. It came on Friday (because I hadn't checked to see what was waiting in my queue before returning some other movies) and I don't even think I can watch it now. They also had posters for it all over the mall on Thursday- it was just too depressing. And I shouldn't really harbor any negative feelings about unplanned pregnancies- D was one (a VERY unplanned one, in fact). I just find it so ironic that I got pregnant with her without even trying (in fact, trying pretty hard NOT to), had no problems with the pregnancy and she was born healthy as can be. This time, we decided to have another baby- didn't have to try too long, but then it didn't work out. I know I'm lucky, because there are so many women who are unable to conceive- at all, but life is just odd that way sometimes. I was mentioning to another blogger yesterday, that I feel foolish somehow- like how silly of me to think that I could get pregnant AND carry on a full pregnancy. I also feel like I was asking too much or something, too- to get tenure AND have a baby this year. I know it's ridiculous to think like that, but it's hard for me not to. I'm doing OK today- going on my THIRD consecutive day without crying. I go for my follow-up visit on Tuesday and I just hope they say that everything is fine and I don't need to have anything "done". 

I have to take D to a Brownie meeting later- it was just two weeks ago that I told the other moms that I was pregnant, but having problems. I know at least a few know that I miscarried, but some of them won't, so I'll have to share the news. Tomorrow is a LONG teaching day (with my afternoon labs), but the end is near- only two more weeks! I've been working on my LAST lecture for the freshmen class and I will be done with class prep, since my other class is all presentations the next two weeks. I can't wait until it's over!

Lazy Saturday

And I'm not kidding about that. I haven't left the house. I haven't been outside. I slept about 9 hours last night, but still took a nap this afternoon. I don't know what my problem is, but I am not feeling motivated to do a thing. H was gone all morning at the car dealership, finding out that we needed to give them almost $900 to fix the problem (good-bye tax rebate check). This is the first weekend day I haven't had a bunch of work that had to get done. Last weekend, I had to finish my talk for Big Giant Conference and the maps for that student poster. The weekend before, I was starting on that stuff and still agonizing over whether I was going to that first conference. This weekend, I do have some teaching stuff I should do (grading labs, updating lectures), but nothing that has to be done for Monday, so I am just being incredibly lazy. I feel like eating more chocolate, actually (I've already had some Ghirardelli with caramel filling- yum). I don't know what we'll have dinner, but I'm wondering if I can get my butt off the couch and cook something... 

T.G.I.F.

I woke up the same way that Alice and many others did this morning, by earthquake! I am further away from the epicenter than she is, but it was enough to briefly wake me up (it was about 5:30 here). It was only after I got up at 6:00 that I realized what had happened (when they said something on NPR). I suddenly remembered hearing the house rattle (I dismissed it as wind, even thought I wondered in a sleepy haze very briefly if it was a quake). Even later this morning, I remembered thinking that H was shaking the bed, because of a dream or something. (I blame him for everything!) It was the first earthquake I've felt since moving to this part of the country. I've felt several, since I lived in California for 14 years. There was even an earthquake half an hour before D was born (the nurses in the room felt it, but I didn't). The timing of this quake felt so strange to me because of that, too. I think I "made some more progress" in the miscarriage last night (hopefully it's really done now), so it was odd to have the earthquake so close to that. I had a rough evening yesterday and I'm wondering if part of it is hormones that are still affecting me (especially given last night's event). I know that it's only been a week and I will be grieving for some time, but I have been taking it even harder that I think I should. I'm hoping that the hormones are on their way out and I can be back to my normal self soon.

I had a short day at work- just teaching this morning- since everyone is still at Big Giant Conference (and they missed the earthquake!) H and I went to lunch and ran errands before D came home from school. I have no real plans for the weekend- I have grading I should finish and other teaching things to get organized, but I will probably just do the bare minimum. At least it's Friday and I have cold beer from Trader Joe's in the fridge. 

Looking for some closure

Yesterday, I packaged up the maternity clothes that I had ordered and put the boxes in the trunk of my car. This morning, I dropped them off at UPS. I also put away some other pregnancy things: the B6 lozenges that I never needed because my morning sickness ended early, the pregnancy information book from the doctor's office, the couple maternity clothes that couldn't be returned, ultrasound picture of the baby at 8 weeks, some morning sickness tea, etc. It's put away in the back of the closet where I won't see it all the time. I was out all day today- starting with my weekly visit to D's class. I went shopping and met my sister-in-law at Cheesecake Factory for lunch (we shared a piece of chocolate coconut cream cheesecake for dessert). I also finally visited the nearest Lush store (I now have two bath bombs to try out once the doctor OKs baths). I wanted to cash in my Talbot's gift card, but their spring clothes were a bit too colorful and pastel for my tastes, so I'm hanging onto it. I used part of my Kohl's card on a new Calphalon stir fry pan and lid. On the way home, I picked up Thai food (which I probably won't even eat until tomorrow, because I'm still full from lunch). I'm feeling a little down, despite the retail therapy. I know it will take time to heal from this. It's been over a week since we got the news. Tomorrow will be one week since the "event". I am looking forward to getting more weeks between me and all of this. 

Missing out & other RBOC

• Today was the first day that the department was REALLY deserted, because just about everyone is at Big Giant Conference. Aside from H and I, I think only two other people are not going. This is the first time I've missed it in over 10 years. My favorite part of the conference is seeing old friends from grad school (and going out drinking with them!) This year, would have included a blogger meet-up, too. How sad.

• We had our big annual undergraduate research forum today, so I went to the mentor lunch and went to see posters from other students, as well. I am very disappointed about what happened with my student's poster. I had sent her a big ppt file with 10 megapixel photos and 300 dpi maps. Somewhere in her cutting and pasting of the files or when they had it printed, the image sizes were dramatically reduced and looked all crappy and pixelated in the finished product. It just makes me mad, because I spent all the time to make the maps for her to use and then someone along the way screwed it up. How irritating. 

• I am also not pleased about last night's email. I agree it is better to hear this now than in August, but it's still such a bummer. I had really looked forward to working with this student and now I'll have to scramble to find someone else. Of course, I can't actually do that yet, because s/he hasn't officially pulled out, either. 

• Tomorrow is a work-at-home day, but I'm thinking of taking the day off and doing some shopping. I don't like spending the whole day alone in the house right now (H teaches tomorrow) and I have gift cards for Kohl's and Talbot's that I've been hanging onto. I guess I'll see what sounds like fun in the morning. I wish I had someone to meet for lunch, but everyone is working (of course). 

• I've decided to give myself the next few weeks to not worry about how I'm eating. We only have two more weeks of classes, and the end of the semester is never a good time to try to eat healthy! After that I am thinking of going back on WW. I don't know if we're going to try to get pregnant again later this year, but either way, I could stand to lose some weight. I lost 20 pounds last year and have only gained about 5 back, but I would like to keep going. I would be healthier to get back to where I was after D was born. (or even in grad school) I'll have to do a post over at The Active Academic soon...

Bummer!

I got an email from my new RA who is supposed to be starting in the Fall. She/he may not be coming now. I need to find another one. CRAP.

Work-at-Home Tuesday

I am really excited about the "at-home" part, but not excited at all about the "work". D has a field trip to Major City Museum today. Last year, I went along and it was really fun. I decided I better not volunteer this time, since I didn't know how I would be feeling. The one thing I HAVE to do today is grade paper drafts from my upper-level course. I think I will revise a rubric to help me with the grading, so that it's more structured. I am really not excited about this grading. I started reading one of them in the doctor's office the other day and it was god-awful. I'm sure there will be some good ones, but it wasn't a promising start. I think the approach that I will take is to try to finish them this morning, then maybe take the afternoon off if I can get them finished. I am hoping that the reward of not working this afternoon will motivate me to finish this morning- I sure hope it works. 

In more depressing matters: I am debating what to do with the maternity clothes that I prematurely ordered. I don't know if we're going to try again, and even if we do, I can certainly buy more clothes then if I need them. If we don't try again, it's a waste to keep them. So, I am just torn. I already wore one pair of jeans, because they were so comfy, so I have to keep them now. I also can't return the $10 dress because it was final sale. If I return the rest, I can get about $200 back on my credit card, so that would be nice. I just don't know... I think I'll stew over it for another few days.

Survived!

I made it through a day of work without crying or evening tearing up at the office. A lot of people stopped by to say that they were sorry and talk- which was really nice. One colleague even gave us a card. During the exam this morning was probably the worst, because I was just standing around watching the students with lots of time to think. I got out of there fairly early, stopped at the store (we were out of soy milk, but also bought a bottle of chardonnay and a 4-pack of Guinness in those cans with the widgets), and now I'm home until Wednesday. I have teaching stuff to work on, like grading and lecture updating. Tonight, I am going to cook dinner and enjoy a drink. I'll also watch Dancing with the Stars and just relax. I cancelled my plane ticket, so I have a credit with Delta that I can use until next February- I was supposed to be on the plane right now to Big Giant Conference. One day down. Whew.

Back to work tomorrow

I was supposed to leave for Big Giant Conference tomorrow afternoon, but I will be missing it for the first time since 1997. What a bummer. I am giving an exam in my big freshman class tomorrow (the one with the needy students who post practically every question from the study guide on the Q&A page- why don't I just fill it out for them before posting it?) I'll have to lecture in my other class- I just realized this is my last week to really do much of anything, because they need to do presentations and I have a big class this time. I am way behind on things, too- like reading their project drafts so that they can revise them- I think that will be on Tuesday's work-at-home agenda. We have a candidate in for a visiting position tomorrow and I think I may be going to lunch with him/her. I think that I may also be meeting with the freshman advisee at some point. I'm not looking forward to such a long work day, but I don't see any way to avoid it. I already feel like I've dropped the ball on so many things over the last couple of weeks. Tuesday and Thursday are work-at-home days, Wednesday should be easy and short, so it's just tomorrow that will be bad. I hope. I should start working on Friday's lecture for the freshmen...

Like I really need this right now...

Dear Dr. N:

I do not how other students feel but this is how I feel. I don't feel 100% prepared for the exam on Monday. In preparation for the exams in the past I found the "in class review day" very beneficial. I really benefited from coming into your office hours after the review and clearing everything up. I was wondering if there was any way that you could possibly move the exam to Wednesday, while doing a review on Monday and having office hours as well.

Sincerely,

Needy Student

All they know is that I wasn't feeling well yesterday. They have a lecture outline for every topic, a study guide for the exam, and Q&A page on Blackboard where I respond to questions. For fuck's sake.

Recovery

The "main event" happened yesterday afternoon, but I don't think I should blog about the gory details. I'll just say that I never imagined that it would feel like labor, but it did. I actually think it was MORE painful that labor, but of course I haven't been in labor since 1999 so my memory of it may be a bit hazy. I'm just hoping that everything resolved itself and I won't have to have additional "intervention". I had a nice afternoon with H before all of the pain started- we went for lunch, returned my lame-ass new phone, wandered through our new IKEA, and things only got bad at our last stop.

I'm not going to Big Giant Conference next week- I have a grad student who will give the talk for me (I need to go work on that, actually). I finished what I needed to for that student I'm advising and posted it on an XDrive so that she could get the file and finish it. I'll meet with her Monday to talk more about it. It will be a quiet week around my department because most people will be at Big Giant Conference. I had planned to cancel my freshman class on Wednesday, because I was supposed to be gone and I am still going to do that anyway!

H and I are handling everything OK. It's been stressful and yesterday was really hard for him when I was in so much pain, but we're just spending lots of time together at home. Thanks again for all of the nice comments- I really appreciate it. We just need to recover and think about what we want to do next. I'll just be glad when this semester is over...

Thanks wonderful blog friends

Thanks to everyone who sent their good wishes. It's been really nice to receive all of the messages. H and I are both staying home from work today, so we'll have a chance to just be together. I'm obviously skipping next week's conference, so I have to decide if I can finish the talk in time for my grad student to give it or just cancel the whole thing. I also have the issue of the undergrad that I'm mentoring who needs to finish an assignment for Monday. I might go in tomorrow and meet with her (we were supposed to meet today). I'm so tired of crying- I hope to keep that to a minimum today.

Thanks again, everyone.

Sad news

We lost the baby. I'm just waiting for the miscarriage to happen now. Thanks to everyone for their support the last several days.

Quick check in

This is a work-at-home day for me and I have PLENTY to do:

• update study guide for freshmen exam & post it
• revise exam for freshmen class I need to go to my other computer to work on the next two tasks, but a nap might have to happen first...
• finish some analysis for next week's conference
• compile maps, photos for student poster

I have this overall feeling of stress, but I can't tell you specifically what I am stressed about. Well- OK I can think of several things: 

• getting things done for next week's conference- even if I can't go (which is another thing bothering me, since I am still up the air on this), my wonderful RA is going to give the talk, so it has to be ready no matter what! 
  
• I am still bleeding- not a lot, but enough to be unsettling and not very reassuring. The doctor said it might continue for 2-4 weeks(!)
• I'm still not allowed to exercise- the only way to relieve stress (other than drinking, which I can't do either!)
• Taking extra hormones is not helping any of the above. I have been having some serious bitchy moments and other times I'm feeling completely depressed. My progesterone levels are up where they should be now, at least.

OK- back to work... I'm also still trying to finish laundry from the weekend. Is it too early for a cookie? Hmmm... Eaten: one snickerdoodle and two Trader Joe's blue cheese-stuffed olives

Action Cat!

Taken with my new phone. I'm still deciding whether I should keep it or just go for a really fun one instead.

Pregnancy Post (update)

In pregnancy news, I am hanging in and trying to be optimistic. We canceled our conference trip. The doctor said it was fine to travel, but I felt like the stress of finishing getting ready for the trip (which would have made today completely insane with packing, laundry, cleaning, and other strenuous things I'm not supposed to be doing) was just too much- especially since I have ANOTHER conference the week after that. Remember this list? I had a TON of work to do this week, and instead, I spent many hours in the couch "resting" and ignoring it. I had actually pretty-much finished my talk for Monday, but the packing and cleaning and driving 400 miles part was the clincher (we would have left tomorrow). I had been pretty vague with my classes about whether I would be here or not, so that should still be fine. I have an extra day of class for the freshmen, but I just need to find a video and that will also be fine. I go today for a blood test to make sure my progesterone levels have gone up since the injections and taking the pills. Please keep sending your positive baby vibes this way- I really appreciate everyone's comments. 

Phone Recommendations?

I'm due for my "free" (with two-year contract renewal) phone, but I don't know what I should get. I am still pretty happy with my RAZR from two years ago, but it's always fun to get a new phone. Any suggestions? Do you have a phone that you love?

Pregnancy Post (the saga continues)

Well, it turns out my progesterone levels were a bit low (still in the "normal" range, but at the very low end), so I had to go in today for an injection (two actually- one in each hip). I was also prescribed some very strange-looking progesterone capsules (they are small pink balls) that I am to take twice a day. I am also supposed to go back for another injection in three days (I'm waiting to hear from the doctor about whether that will actually be Sunday or if I will just go into the office on Monday). It's looking more likely that I will be skipping the conference next week, since we were supposed to leave on Sunday- which is fine with me at this point. I'll feel better to talk to the doctor about more of the details, but I guess we are doing everything we can to make things hospitable for that tiny baby. Wow- I never knew pregnancy could be so stressful- I was really lucky with D and had problems. I'll keep you posted- thanks for all of the good wishes.

Pregnancy Post (update)

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments on yesterday's post. Things seem to have settled down today, but I am in this constant state of paranoia- if I feel any odd twinge in my abdomen I fear there's a problem. Since I don't know if yesterday's scare is related to anything I did (in terms of straining or tearing something) I am being overly cautious about lifting and carrying things. My backpack is a real problem- I took out a bunch of papers that I didn't really need to be carrying around and I'm trying to only lift it from a chair or my car's backseat (rather than the floor). It's still a bit heavy (with my Mac Book Pro in it), but I am trying to be careful about how I lift it. I was able to come home early today and I've done absolutely nothing since I got here almost four hours ago (other than eating frozen pizza with H, watching last night's Dancing with the Stars, and taking a one-hour nap). I'm still not sure what we'll do about the conference- the doctor said it was fine, so I think we'll still go if things remain calm. It should be a relaxing trip anyway- staying at a Hilton, not having to get up for my 8AM class, and we're driving, too. OK- back to my non-working!!

On another non-related note: in return for some mentoring I'm doing this year, they are paying us with gift cards to the U bookstore instead of salary or cash. I got $250 already and will get another $250 at semester's end. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the money, but today I realized they sell Mac accessories! And this morning I realized that I have been winding up my power cord in a very un-smart way and the metal is starting to show where the cord meets the AC/DC adapter (I just this morning noticed that those little things flip out to wind up the cord onto- duh!) I went over the the bookstore and bought a new one with my "free" money. Yay!

Keepin' it clean for the kids

Created by OnePlusYou

Via Dr. Medusa

Pregnancy Post (10 weeks)

I WISH this was an April's Fools joke, but I had a VERY stressful morning. I had some bleeding and PANICKED, assuming the worst. H called the Dr. for me, because I was crying so much that I could barely talk. They weren't open yet, so we called the back-up number. The nurse told us to call when the office opened and tell them what was going on and they would get us in. H cancelled his classes so that he could take me and we went in later in the morning. I was supposed to go tomorrow afternoon for a check-up, so they had results from all the blood work and ultrasound from two weeks ago. Everything looked good in that respect, so the doctor (my midwife wasn't in today, but the doctor I saw was AWESOME) listened for a heartbeat with the Doppler. He said it might be too early to hear it that way- and sure enough he couldn't find it. He did an exam to check on the bleeding (and said it wasn't too much), then they did an ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat and it looked like the baby was doing the butterfly stroke in there! I was so relieved. The doctor said that he was still concerned about an irregularity in the gestational sac, which may have been the source of the bleeding. I wasn't entirely clear on his explanation of the source, but I think that this is what he was describing. He told me to "take it easy" for the next week and come back to see my midwife later next week.  We're supposed to drive to a conference on Sunday and he said that was fine, but we're going to cancel if I am still having bleeding by then.  They also took a blood sample to check my progesterone levels. I am trying not to worry too much, but how scary this is- I had no problems with D's pregnancy, so I never expected anything like this. 

A friend from work emailed to see if I was OK (my other friend at work told her a bit about what was going on). She wasn't sure she should ask, but I told her that one reason I didn't mind telling friends about the pregnancy early, was that I have a bigger support system if anything happens to go wrong.

H is being incredibly sweet and I know he is worried about me (and the baby). He drove me to work this afternoon for a thesis defense so that I wouldn't have to park far away. He also cooked dinner tonight. I am hopeful that things will be OK. I think my chances are about 75% for a good outcome (based on my obsessive compulsive searching and reading of medical studies online). Of course, the doctor didn't put a number on it- he just said that seeing the baby moving and the heartbeat were good signs.